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Comedy
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| Flying on Budget Airlines | |
| By Bottleblondesurfer | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 11 May 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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This is dedicated to Gwynn my good friend and leading light in the comedy forum. I fear she may be pining for a new episode of Fasten your seat belts and as we both know it may be a long wait. So I have devised a little air plane based humour as a thank you for her hilarious Boring Bastard Frank sketch.(which I recommend to those who like intellectual humour) I realise this doesn’t measure up intellectually and it is not the real thing but it may help ease the pain of waiting This is your captain speaking. Welcome to Poundstretcher Airline’s flight to Malaga. We are now in the air and flying at..…, right..well I’ll tell you later when the speedometer kicks in and I’m not sure how high we are. I usually go by the clouds. I know there’s a dial for it somewhere but the names are all in Arabic. My co-pilot, Pepe, has just pointed to a dial, our speed is 5000 mph….ah…no that’s the fuel is it? I’m sorry but English isn’t his first language. Anyway as we have a full tank we can dispense with the ditching procedure. That’ll please the aircrew they start to whimper when we practice that one. The tannoy sometimes cuts out but in the event of a problem you will be made aware of it by the persistent screaming of Helga and Petra our stewardesses. They panic easily. Their English is limited but they know some interesting phrases, which they picked up in their last job at the pink pussy nightclub. In an effort to keep costs down we have cut back on some extras so you might feel a drop in temperature as we climb. You’ll find stamping your feet helps, especially as we come to land, the undercarriage does tend to stick. I would like to reassure you that the bullet holes are very old and caused no structural damage and they are a useful source of fresh air since the air -con packed up. As we climb to cruising height you may hear a loud whining sound that’s not engine it’s Pepe, he suffers from vertigo Those of you in first class, with seats, will find under them your life jacket, you’ll see it’s one between two. You have to strap your self to a neighbour. We find the practice session can be popular with the right pairing. Helga and Petra can pair up with any single gentlemen. You can get raffle tickets from Petra. For those standing in second class who are hanging on to the straps; you will find that if you pull them sharply downwards, they will come off in your hand so please don’t do that. To further keep costs down we have dispensed with certain luxuries like meals, drinks and radar, but Pepe is Spanish and says he can recognise the coastline. And instead of toilets we have a mobile commode, so when we do start to bank could someone drop the lid down sharpish. And lastly for your in flight entertainment Helga and Petra will be performing some of their quaint traditional country dances. I’m sure you will enjoy the ancient and venerable Croatian custom of dancing with the pole When we do land you’ll find the weather is hot, the food foreign and the people are, unfortunately, Spanish. This is your Captain, Givitsum, hoping to God we make it
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