Could never get this story right. It started out as Writers' Group 20 minute exercise
(Each of us was given 2 items and a theme., mine were: knife, obstacle, parentage or similar.)
ON A KNIFE’S EDGE.
I just couldn't decide what I should do next; marriage and family or a carefree life? Surely living with someone is a reasonable compromise. But she is getting broody and has said that she is now over thirty and she wants more than one child! So we should start now!
I was on my way home from a hard day at work and lost in thought, I'd not noticed the following that I had attracted. However instinct took over and I'd found myself for no apparent reason shooting across the road and then clambering over the railings.
I'd looked back to the other side of the road and saw a gang of five “hoodies”. That sparked me into further life and I'd run at full speed away from them. The mob had then charged across the road and climbed the railing. However I'd found that I'd had played myself into a corner and was trapped.
The first of the mob arrived, he was brandishing a knife. Something in me snapped and I found myself poking his eyes in, punching his larynx, sweeping his legs from under him and finally stamping down on his throat. The others had stopped and I'd rushed at them. They'd parted and let me through. I'd slipped down an alley and quietly made my way home.
When I'd arrived, I was shaking and sweating. She'd calmed me down and gave comfort. I'd told her nothing apart from that I'd had a bit of a fright. Some yobs had threatened me and shouted insults.
We'd put the TV on. There was a news flash. Police had arrested four youths for the murder of a 17 year old. Witnesses had seen four “hoodies” chase the deceased into the cul-de-sac.They then went on to the larger subject of how our home town was becoming as violent as some Inner City Areas.
She'd looked at me and said, "Seems that you got off lucky"
That night I'd slept fitfully. I'd kept seeing the same hooded shrouded face. It repeated the words, "You have taken a life you must repay."
I'd woken her up and had said, "I think it is time that we started a family."
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unsettling
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 14th May 2006 |
There's often an unsettling quality to your stories. This one almost dares you,at your own peril, to go for the obvious. I supose the obvious theme is renewal but that cliche is subverted ,for me,by the very dark subtext. Every time he sees that child he will be reminded what he did. That was my take but I'm sure others will see it differently which is the hallmark of good writing. A very clever and complex little story,
BBS |
Hi BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 14th May 2006 |
Once again thanks for your time and comments.
I will be interesting to see how others interpret the tale,
Brian. |
like the ending
Written by ndobiecka (20 comments posted) 14th May 2006 |
I wasn't expecting that at all, I liked that.
It was also a surprise that the person running away was such an accomplished fighter.
I found it a little difficult to get from the starting a family to running away from hoodies. Had to read it again to get the on the way home bit. Maybe if I knew where you were on the way home from I would have connected the two bits... just a thought.
N
 |
Thanks Ndo
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 14th May 2006 |
"Maybe if I knew where you were on the way home from "
have added "from a hard day at work".
"It was also a surprise that the person running away was such an accomplished fighter." but not as much as it was for the Hoodie!
Thanks for your time and comments,
Brian.
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Written by Weirdreamer (17 comments posted) 17th May 2006 |
Sorry!!! I'm always apologising to you and I don't really know why.
I find your EGO too much to take. Don't sound so smug about how and what you write. A good writer is always questioning whether what is on paper is worthy of being read by others. Your wife is not necessarily the best person to sing your praises! |
Too True WD
Written by cynicsid (177 comments posted) 17th May 2006 |
But I'm not his wife but I'm not sure which one you think is his wife.
I think it's Nascent pretend Bottle Blonde Surfer.
You're winning a lot of friends with you candour, keep it up,
CS |
Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 1st June 2006 |
| I think I am with BBS on this one. I think he should have showed some kind of remorse for killing the hoodie, and shouldn't have let the other gang members take the rap. And I don't think that having a baby was a way of paying back for what he did. Wrong sort of motivation for parenthood. But that doesn't mean that I didn't like the story because I did, and to have done that in two minutes means you deserve your ego. |
Fancy you finding this one.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 1st June 2006 |
However it was 20 minutes and it has been polished since then. But it is largely as it was when originally written.
Re remorse, my father and my Uncles felt little such emotion when the War came to an end, though they all had killed. The Emotion they felt was relief at having survived.
Violent death on our streets is a far too regular visitor, innocents victims abound. More time is subsequently spent worrying about the Killers' Human Rights than is ever spent on the Victimes Families and loved ones.
Finally there were a spate of births starting in June 1946
(9 months on from the end of World War 2) and continuing for several years after- this became known as the "Baby Boom" . Think of it, a whole generation conceived for all the wrong reasons.
Brian
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darker than dark
Written by netkwake (31 comments posted) 2nd June 2006 |
I enjoyed this and to me it just signals the start of a whole new story.
The new baby won't shake off the past and I forsee a haunted future for the bloke.
It happens too, you defend yourself and wind up a victim anyway.
A dark tale well told in my view.
nk |
Thanks NKW
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 2nd June 2006 |
For your time, comments and for the enjoyable well written read that your piece is.
If I'd killed an innocent person say through a car crash then I'd agree. But if I had been looking at my potential Death and had avoided it, I think that I would not give a jot; other than worrying about being caught.
I've done neither so it's all academic.
I admire your and others' ability to handle detail, I just get bogged down and lose focus.
I'll keep an eye out for your work in future,
Brian. |
Written by Phil (7010 comments posted) 1st October 2006 |
Just found this on that blue 'work awaiting review' thing and thought I'd give it a whirl.
Deep and dark at many levels, and raises many questions - many above.
My take is that told a complex story in a simple way with no judgements. This left the reader free to think and ponder. It's certainly provoked a variety of responses.
On a more personal level, I know where you're coming from when you say, 'I wouldn't give a jot,' but even in self defence, to kill someone must have some lasting effect on a person. Perhaps that's a simple and comfortable twenty-first century perspective.
Enjoyed it.
Phil. |
Gosh
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 1st October 2006 |
I'd forgotten all about this.
I think the most lasting effect would be relief at not having been killed.
For a lighter take on the subject see "Hoody Boys' Pick-kick (Poetry or Comedy not sure which.)
Brian |
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