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Poetry
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Unsaid Things
By Espiral
14 May 2006

I'm still unsure about poetry - but here's another attempt.


 
 He came round this evening
 Watched me boil the kettle 
 We talked about work, the weather, his car
 And I watched him drink his tea.

 I showed him the hall
 And it was just the two of us
 I showed him my bedroom
 And it was just the two of us
 I showed him the attic
 Just the two of us

 And all the unsaid things 
 Stared at us from the shadows.
 

Reviews
wow
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 14th May 2006
I really like this. It's wonderfully simple and the last lines really hit you. I'm unsure as to what effect the repetition of "just the two of us" is supposed to have- is it designed to emphasise the fact that the two people are alone together, and suggest that they are uncomfortable?  
Good work :)
Me too
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 14th May 2006
I'm unsure about poetry too which is why I don't write any. 
I too like the last lines they made sense of the whole poem. In fact something as powerful as that deserves a longer poem. I would like to see the poem start with 
"I showed him the hall" 
I think it would make a stronger piece but its your work and I'm no poet. I did like it though. 
BBS
Thank you both
Written by Espiral (44 comments posted) 15th May 2006
I based this on a diary entry I found from a few years ago and thought it might work as a poem. 
 
Gutterkitty - 'Just the two of us' was supposed to do exactly that - emphasise the speaker's awareness of the fact they were alone. 
 
BBS - I needed the first verse to build up the scene before 'I showed him the hall' etc - to make it clear they are in a house and to set the tone. 
 
Also I am wary of long poems - both writing and reading them - as I'm afraid they'll be boring. I think poems are better when they're small. 
 
Thank you both for your reviews :grin

Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 15th May 2006
I agree with your view about shorter poems Espiral! I usually avoid the longer poems as I think poetry is about effectively getting your point/feelings across in a compact way. 
 
Im unsure about this poem, it reads akwardly. Maybe this was your aim as there was no fixed meter or rhyme but on the other hand it was not really a free verse/fragmented poem either. The words you used also seemed quite bland 'watched, things, showed' it didnt really tell me anything or created a picture in my mind. but only my opinion, will have a search round & see if i can find any more work by you.

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