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The Portrait
By scrump999
15 May 2006
This is the first piece i have posted and i was pleased with it yesterday but everytime i read i find somethng else i dont like!!! i've been struggling with re writing my work and was hoping for any constructive advice on where improvements can be made.
Be gentle with me!!!!  Embarassed

 

 

It had been a typical day for Karen working in the city, a long morning meeting, a business lunch and the afternoon spent wading through the pages of e-mails that had accumulated while she’d been on holiday. A small price to pay for the well needed break in the sun. She was in her commuter daze when she jumped on the train, pleasantly surprised to get a seat she slumped down by the window ready to watch the world go by. Her killer heels were doing a good job so she let them slip off to free her tired toes from their couture prison. As the train chugged steadily out of the station she relaxed into the motion of the journey.

Sean had been sitting on the train a while, he liked to make sure he got on early so he could a) get a seat and b) watch the other passengers as they boarded. He was a self confessed “people watcher” and couldn’t resist the variety of human life found on the rail networks. He monitored the door as the usual suspects filed in, men in dark suits, students in baggy jeans and blaring headphones, the occasional tourist with more suitcases than they could control. Then through the sea of everyday life he saw her hop through the doors. Her brunette curls bounced around her shoulders and her simple black dress clung in all the right places. There was something softer about her than the usual city type, something that caught his imagination. His eyes followed her as she positioned herself in his proximity, he breathed in her understated scent as it filled the carriage. Being an artist he always carried a small notepad and pencil for such an occasion and as he watched her ease back in her seat he began to sketch.

He captured her soft features, cheekbones slightly blushed, full rose coloured lips parted in a natural smile. Her large blue eyes glistened dreamily and he longed to get lost in them. The layers of her hair fell naturally framing her heart shaped face. He was captivated by her simplicity, drinking in her features and expressing them in lead. The train headed north and its steady rhythmic rumble started to send her to sleep. He watched as her glassy eyes rest shut and he couldn’t help but wonder what her dreams were, her hopes, her fears. He inquisitively wanted to know more about the stranger and as the train approached his stop he knew he would not get the chance. He couldn’t just walk away from this beauty, he had to try something but did not want to disturb her rest.

The beeping train doors brought her back to reality and as she opened her eyes the face on the other side of the glass gave her a start. It was only a matter of seconds but she found herself fixated by those deep brown eyes, his strong masculine features made her heart skip a beat. Who was he? Why was he staring at her? She felt like she knew him but was unable to register his face. There was a connection in that moment, she instinctively raised her hand to the glass and traced his cheek with her fingertips. As she rested her hand on her lap she felt a piece of paper that wasn’t there before. Confused she looked down only to see herself staring back up at her, it took her breath away. The train pulled away and she glanced back to the window to see those brown eyes fade into the distance. She was so in awe of his art work she hadn’t noticed the mobile number and the name Sean scribbled at the bottom. All this information was arranging and re-arranging itself in her head and she wondered if she’d call. Would it be madness to call? She knew she felt something as their eyes met, something deeper in those few seconds than she’d felt in years with Mark. She folded the portrait neatly and placed it safely in her bag. Never say never she thought, never say never.



Reviews
Nice scene
Written by ndobiecka (20 comments posted) 15th May 2006
I like the scene, it touched me because I liked to watch people when I commuted and got the sense of intrigue about their lives. 
 
I like the description of the shoes as a 'couture prison' and the description of Karen waking up with a jump. 
 
I did think 'strong masculine features' might be a well worn phrase though (to use another!). 
 
 
:grin

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