Thought I would try writing in script format. I read one of Gerard's comments to someone else where he said it was harder to make something funny when one left the narrative format and tried for the script. Thought I'd have a go. Please let me know what works, what doesn't...
Scene: Post office, Geneva Airport. 10 am, last Thursday. In the dim light, a solitary worker stands behind one of six windows running the length of the counter. The dearth of customers at this time of day only serves to accentuate the large size of the room. One woman is at the window, speaking broken French with the man. A second customer is behind her, patiently waiting. R Kent takes up position behind him. After several minutes, both customers are gone. R Kent remains, joined by one man who now waits behind him as he approaches the counter.
The following dialogue is translated from the original French, except where noted.
R Kent: (Friendly tone) Hello, can I exchange money here?
Clerk: (Cold, impersonal, detached… Swiss) Yes, but you need a ticket.
R Kent: (Noticing a pile of half-crumpled tickets with little numbers on them lying in a cardboard box on R Kent’s side of the counter) A ticket?
Clerk: Yes, you need to have a ticket.
R Kent: (Looking around the near-empty store, save for the one other customer waiting patiently behind him) I don’t understand. Why?
Customer: (In Swiss- or French-accented English) You need to take a ticket from over there.
R Kent: (Turning toward the customer behind him, following the customer’s gesture toward a small table near the entrance) Yes, I understand the concept. (Turning back to the clerk) But there aren’t a lot of people in the store. You know I am next. Do I really need a ticket?
Clerk: (Rolling eyes, speaking in a pedantic tone as if he were involved in a conversation with an idiot, generally acting as if R Kent was causing him physical pain by not showing him a little slip of paper before placing it in the box to his right) Okay, I will let you go this time, but next time, you have to give me a ticket.
R Kent: (Beginning to slide his Euros through the little slit in the window counter, while at the same time obstinately unwilling to let things drop, bile churning within stomach, desperately needing to explain to this jerk that if he just used a bit of reason he would see there was absolutely no need for a ticket!) Okay, thank you, but still, why do I need a ticket? You know—
Clerk: (As if R Kent had just accused him of, oh, I don’t know, crossing the street against the light, having a watch that kept bad time, not being neutral -- take your pick) Okay, sir! Please go get a ticket and I’ll serve you then!
R Kent: What? No, I’m just asking a question—
Clerk: A ticket!
R Kent: (Fixing the clerk with a look of utter disgust for a moment before turning to the man behind him, sighing) Sir, may I use your ticket?
Customer stares at R Kent, obviously loathe to give up his precious piece of paper. R Kent leaves the ‘line’ to retrieve a ticket.
R Kent: (So teeth-grittingly mad he can’t possibly think of anything really witty to say in French at the moment, settling for blood-boiling sarcasm) You are really nice, sir. Thank you so much for the help!
R Kent returns with ticket, now, of course, behind the other customer.
Clerk: (To the customer, now at the window, in an astonished tone) All I did was explain to him that he needed a ticket.
Customer: (Conspiratorially) Yes, I heard, I heard. He just needed a ticket.
R Kent: (Stupefied that these two yo-yos are now talking about him with him only two feet away) It was just a question!
Clerk: No, sir –
R Kent: Is there another place in this stupid airport where I can exchange money?
Customer: At the American Express counter.
R Kent: Thanks, you’ve been really great! (R Kent stomps out loudly, contemplating knocking over the ticket machine, breaking some windows, possibly setting something on fire… Instead, he settles for crumpling up the little ticket in his left hand and tossing it on the clean, tidy, dust-free floor.)
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Hi R O'kent
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 15th May 2006 |
My heart sinks when I'm asked for an honest review cos I always upset the recipient.
In principle there is strict narration where there is little other than reported speech. At the other extreme is pure dialogue.
I on occasion write "stand up"-an example is tucked away on this Forum and is entitled "Adult Education", there are no "directions" but then it is a monologue which makes things much easier.
Try re-writing your piece and see if you can incorporate the "directions" into the dialogue.
"R Kent: (Fixing the clerk with a look of utter disgust for a moment before turning to the man behind him, sighing) Sir, may I use your ticket?
Customer stares at R Kent, obviously loathe to give up his precious piece of paper. R Kent leaves the ‘line’ to retrieve a ticket.
R Kent: (So teeth-grittingly mad he can’t possibly think of anything really witty to say in French at the moment, settling for blood-boiling sarcasm) You are really nice, sir. Thank you so much for the help!"
A poor example follows:
R.Kent-Oh this is ridiculous, excuse me sir, could I use your ticket.
The other customer-My ticket, certainly not, get your own ticket.
R.Kent-Thanks for being so helpful, I'll get my own ticket.
Clerk-Foreigners bane of my life, now how can I help you sir.
The other Customer-I agree with you, rules is rules. Gotta have a ticket.Now what time does the 9.05 to Basle leave.
Clerk-I'll just check the time-table sir.
I meant well-I'll get me coat.
Brian.
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totally understand
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 15th May 2006 |
B,
No, you didn't upset me in the least! I will admit I hate hearing anything negative about something I've written, but that doesn't mean I don't need to hear it!
Thanks for taking the time to offer me some valuable suggestions.
I guess I could have done what you suggested, and the lines you wrote here were great, but I didn't because I really wanted to write the piece as accurately as I could remember it. This was posted in the comedy section, but it just as easily could have been posted in the non-fiction section, as it actually happened exactly as I wrote it!
Next time maybe I'll try to write something more fictional, employing your suggestions.
Thanks again for the thoughtful review. |
from experience .....
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 15th May 2006 |
this may or may not be useful!
One thing we all have to be careful about with GW posting is the "invisible" formatting which quite often plays havoc with any attempt you make to set out your work as a Script (with or without Stage Directions).
I'm not a "techie" but there are ways around it. I've downloaded a program called "Rough Draft" [found through this site] which helps, and I have it on good authority (from nascent, amongst others) that using Wordpad (or was it Notepad??) INSTEAD of Microsoft Word before posting a script is also useful. |
Still funny
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 16th May 2006 |
I'm not sure if you haven't created a your own idiosyncratic version of a sketch where the form itself is part of teh humour, you certainly pack more into the parentheses than should rightly be there. Traditionally they are there to aid the actor speaking and are mockingly called "wrylies" by actors because they complain the writer is telling them how to act, you are obviously not doing that. Actually I found your mis-use of teh structure quite amusing eg
(So teeth-grittingly mad he can’t possibly think of anything really witty to say in French at the moment, settling for blood-boiling sarcasm)
It's not what usually goes into parentheses but it's funny so it doesn't really matter
Anyway structure and formatting aside it's still a grumpily funny piece, observational humour with a bit of bile; sort of Bill Bryson with an ulcer. It still raised a laugh which is the purpose of the exercise.
BBS |
P,S
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 16th May 2006 |
Oh yes
P.S
you wrote
"but I didn't because I really wanted to write the piece as accurately as I could remember it."
Never let the truth spoil a good story (can't remember who said that)
Humour is far more important than the truth (I said that)
BBS |
oh, BTW ..........
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 16th May 2006 |
..........Switzerland doesn't have a monopoly on such timeserving curmugeons!!
I have experienced similar Johnny Wannabees at e.g. PO Counters in the UK and Denmark on a number of occasions (not that this makes your sketch any less amusing!!  ) |
my style
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 16th May 2006 |
Yes, I think my goal with the parentheticals was to beef up the humor of the read, definitely not to aid actors! As a former actor, I agree that for the most part whatever a writer puts in the parentheses is immediately thrown out.
I guess even though a script is supposed to be acted, I wrote this more to be read by the good people of this here site.
Since I had so much fun writing this piece, I might try and continue in the same style if something else catches my fancy... I hope you all don't mind!
Bagheera, thanks for the formatting tips; I'll check out the stuff you mentioned...
BBS, as a huge fan of my man Bill Bryson, any favorable comparison to him is appreciated!
Thanks to all for your comments! |
Git
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 17th May 2006 |
I think this R. Kent is a funny character. I am sure we have all met bad tempered impatient sods like this in our time who think the World stops with them!
Maybe you could make a series as you suggested? Mr. Neal has developed SY, paulwalker has that cabbageman and now you can have R. Kent, the miserable old bastard!
Well done.
Gwynn
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i am, am i?
Written by robokent (84 comments posted) 17th May 2006 |
So I'm a bad-tempered, impatient sod who thinks the world stops for me, am I?
Wait, how did you know?
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Very Sorry
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 17th May 2006 |
I must apologise I didn't realise it was a self biography piece Mr. Kent I thought you had created a new amusing character. But I guess I should have noticed your name and guessed, again I'm sorry, those who know me here will testify that I'm not all there.
Well done again!
Gwynn
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