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By Dragonshadow
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16 May 2006 |
Sorry if it's too slow but it has to be this way for the rest of the story!!!! Chapter 1. My Story
My eyes slowly crept open. The blinds were still closed gave me the hope that it really was the weekend, unlike last Thursday. I had no problem with school, but I still dreaded the thought of it. The whole learning thing was no problem either; I was in all the top classes that were important. However there were still the other classes like art and technology. I knew I had no artistic abilities in me what so ever. My types of drawings were the stick figures, and then there’s the theory part of it. Meaning in art, as if, and there isn’t much in Technology but making, and my hands were not used for putting wood together. I slowly pulled the sheets off and headed for the kitchen. I had cereal for breakfast, again. My life was planned, organised and neat. It was still stretchy for things that threw me out. After I had cleaned my bowl I headed for the shower. When I got out I had to choose clothes that were meant to be my best. I’m a guy there’s no difference between my clothes. But I needed something good because I was going on a date with my girlfriend Lexis. Life was good to me, I decided. I had a great family, great friends, a beautiful girl friend and a roof over my head. What more could I want? I checked the time, 10:27. Better get going, I had to meet her at twelve and it was a long walk. As I stepped out side my house I noticed that there was no clouds and sky was a light blue. The sun was shining and according to the thermometer on my watch it was 25 degrees Celsius. But like I could trust it. Walking is good if you need exercise, but when you walk alone you start thinking about stuff that’s never crossed your mind. Like right now I’m thinking of how I take life for granted. My life was pretty much perfect. I walked into the cafe I was meant to meet Lexis. Damn she’s not here. Now I’m going to look like a loser waiting here. I checked my watch again. I was ten minutes early. The next ten minutes felt like a lifetime but when it was up I was just happy to see her smile. We both bought cappuccinos and headed for the school fete my brother’s primary school was holding. I had three brothers and four sisters. I was the oldest. I am in year nine. We walked through the gates of the school and headed for the oval. Though it was crowded it was still quieter than the space between the rides. We passed many people to try and find a place to be alone. I think I saw my brother’s face, which meant he had gotten up before me. When we found a place to sit I gave her, her present. We had been going out for thirteen months now and I knew she deserved something special. I gave her a real diamond necklace. Cost me big time it did. “Oh thankyou” she screamed. I guessed that meant she liked it. We decided to go on some of the rides. But she would only go on if I would. Night fell pretty quickly, but i guessed that meant I was having fun. I saw that they were setting up the fireworks, so I edged her to come and get a good view. It was fantastic. There were noisy ones and bright ones. As the finale came up I leaned into kiss her and ......................................................................................................................................................................
I was lying on the ground, screaming, ugh the pain in my chest. So many people running. They trample me. Where was Lexis? “Lexis!” I lightly breathed. Then I fainted. |
This is cool for the following reasons;
Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 16th May 2006 | I thought you might be a school going person from your other stuff because of the formatting and odd punctuation error although your ideas are very good.
Most of us get out of bed and put on a dressing gown else birds on the window sill hit the decking, babies start crying and old women outside pass out. That is of course unless we still wear pyjamas 
The bit where you cleaned your bowl made me smile as well, obviously there is a camp commendant mother lurking in the background.
Above all though I liked this because you create a great picture, and dont necessarily use words to describe stuff in a normal way.
Glad you dropped bold now all we need is some paragraphs
Look forward to the next one. | Good start
Written by Leigh (226 comments posted) 23rd May 2006 | I enjoyed your description of waking up and the dread of attending school. It brought back a lot of memories.
This might be just me, but I loved this bit: "The whole learning thing was no problem either; I was in all the top classes that were important. However there were still the other classes like art and technology." It made me chuckle as I could really identify with it (though my school days were a lot time ago - LOL).
As the previous reviewer said, though, you need to break up your paragraphs to add 'white space'! You also need to watch the odd slip from past to present tense - as in "I had three brothers and four sisters. I was the oldest. I am in year nine."
On the whole, though, I look forward to reading more. The character seems very mature, to be only in year 9 and yet he's had a girlfriend for 13 months. This makes me intrigued by him. | hello dragonshadow!
Written by alexis_grey (30 comments posted) 20th June 2006 | | I really liked Reverie Chapter One, maybe because of the reference to the hate of the subject Technology. How an anyone in their right mind like having to do that subject? Maybe the references like that made me identitfy more with the character. Keep writing it, the last bit is a huge cliffhanger! ! ! I'm jut sitting on edge wondering what's happeed to him cya l8er, alexis |
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