JUST POTTERING ABOUT.

Limbo, I'm in bloody Limbo. For those who don't know it's a sort of lost property department for souls. You're there forever unless someone like the Devil, God, or whoever decides to come and claim you.

Me name is Bonzo, I was a bit of tearaway, nicking cars, burglary but nothing violent. A sort of Robin Hood, yer know taking from the rich and giving to the poor. Which in my case was me.

The odd buggers next door had gone out, so I lets meself in. I was gonna go upstairs when I noticed that the door to the stairs cupboard was padlocked. I picked the lock with a hair clip. I smelt riches; imagine my surprise when I found that it was kitted out like a bedroom.

I nearly wet meself when a voice asked me who I was. I told whoever it was to come out or I'd go in and hit him. A small geek came out. He looked like that Adrian wos-his-name. You know glasses, black hair and a spotty face.

He made a coffee and we sat in the kitchen and chatted. He said he was a trainee wizard! He was a nutter that's why they'd locked him up. I let him go on, for though he was small I had to be careful cos nutters have got no self-control and are more powerful than they look.

When he'd finished, I said if you've got this magic how come you can't get out from under the stairs.

He replied that it would upset the balance for he should only do magic when he was back at school.

I asked what could you do with this magic. He went and got his wand.

He told me, I'll hold this end and you hold the wrong end.

Bugger me it was odd, one moment I'm stood opposite him and then the next I'm stood opposite me, and so on! Then he was gone. Everything had gone apart from his wand, which was still in my hand, but the right way round. Though I was still me, I had his body and his silly voice. I must have passed out.

When I came round I was in some Teacher's Office being threatened with expulsion. I was told now you know why you must never practise your magic until you are qualified. I was taken to the dorm and put to bed.

The trainee wizard found himself stuck in somebody else's body, when he spoke he could not recognise his voice and he'd lost his wand. He washed the cups up and put them away, he locked the stair-cupboard door, and then went next door.

It was odd he had 2 personalities, his own and the one that went with the body he now found himself in. He gave a sigh of relief. A new and normal life beckoned to him. He searched through his new self and found that his name was Nicholas. He was nicknamed Bonzo. He had a girl friend whose favours he currently enjoyed; oh she was lovely and a goer.

On the down side he was to appear before the magistrates who were likely to send him to Prison. He went up to his room and had a tidy up. He collected all the porno magazines and put them somewhere discrete. He removed all his studs and piercings and collected the rubbish that passed for his wardrobe of clothes and put them into a bin-bag.

He went out and down to a local charity shop. He said they could have all his gear if they could kit him out in something more sensible. The two grannies that were manning the shop kitted him out in sensible smart and fortunately well fitting clothes, they gave him a £20 note and wished him well.

He went to the Barber, the assistant stared in disbelief and asked is that you Bonzo?

No it's Nicholas, I want the blue rinse washed out, my hair unspiked and you know made to look ponsy.

The assistant laughed you'll not get away with it, they'll still send you down, it's worth a try I suppose.

He did a brilliant job and Nicholas looked like a trainee Insurance man. The assistant said, keep your money son; see this as a going away present.



Bonzo thought that he'd keep his head down, blend in, wait for the next half term, go home and then swap back with the geek. He changed his mind when he found that he could do little tricks. His best one gave him X-ray vision. This allowed him to see through clothing.

He became a very sickly boy and would often go to see the new buxom matron. He found that he could stand time still, then go back, get up to things, at first with the girls but then with some of the female members of staff and then go forward and erase the spell. He had a worrying thought if he could do it so could others.

He took to wearing a magic cork and a locked lead jock strap. He was very worried when the big Scots grounds man winked at him and blew kisses. Oh well what the eye does not see the heart does not grieve over.

But just to make sure he cast a spell that made the Scot put Bromides in all the Scot ate or drank.

Bonzo took bets on a wide range of things. The ability to go ahead in time and find out a result or an outcome allowed him to offer extraordinarily good odds. He made a killing.

He asked the Headmaster if he could stay up at half term as he had got behind on his work and could use the holiday to good effect. The Headmaster said that that was awkward but he would make an exception in Bonzo's case. However he would have to move into the Sanatorium and he would be under the Matron's charge.


Nicholas went to his girl friends house, he knew he was banned still he rang the doorbell. Her mother opened the door and told him to clear off or she'd get the Police.

I'm a changed person Mrs Glade, I met somebody who made me see the errors of my ways, I just hope it is not too late.

Heather came to the door her jaw dropped in astonishment, then she gasped is that you Bonzo, gor blimey look at the state of you.

Call me Nicholas, go upstairs and get into something proper, you look like a documentary on winos' walk on extra. To her mother's surprise she did as she was told and soon came back not only in her going to granny's outfit but with no trace of a piercing or Goth make-up.

Nicholas took Heather down to the local hair stylists. Luck struck Nicholas again. When they walked in the Proprietor said that Heather was an answer to a maiden's prayer. Would she be willing to go to the local college and be a model? The Shop's Apprentice was to carry out her final work exercise but the girl who was to have been her model had not turned up.

So Heather, Nicholas, the Apprentice and the Proprietor were taken by Taxi to the college. The Apprentice passed with honours, Heather looked fantastic, and Nicholas had a good laugh with the Proprietor and got himself a job as a Trainee Hairdresser. That was despite Nicholas telling the proprietor of Bonzo's murky past and the court hearing. The Proprietor said he'd go to court as Nicholas's character witness.

Heather and Nicholas went back to Heather's house. They rang the doorbell. Her father answered it. In a state of shock he asked them to come in. Hello dad, do you like it and she twirled, it's all Nicholas's doing and we want to get engaged.

The next day not only had the Hairdresser come as a character witness he had also briefed a Barrister to make a plea in mitigation. Nicholas left court with a suspended sentence and a £20 fine. He went straight to the Court Office and paid his fine. What else do I owe you asked Nicholas?

The Clerk said well in theory over £1500 but this appears to have been suspended along with your sentence. Behave yourself and you'll be quids in. Nicholas said you'll not see me here again.



Bonzo did his see through trick on Matron. Then he did his stop time trick and went back, to his horror there was the Headmaster with the Matron, both were naked. He shot forward in time.

He was in the Matron's Office when the Scots Grounds Man came in and said that he was going to take Bonzo up to see the headmaster. Bonzo was in big trouble.

When Bonzo went into the office there were a number of important people there as well as the Headmaster. They were the School Governors. The Head Governor said that they had reason to believe that Bonzo was an impostor who had somehow inveigled his way into the school.

Bonzo came clean and told everything including how he had found the Headmaster with the Matron in the buff. Bonzo described his old body; it had blue hair and lots of piecing rings and things.

Try as hard as they may the Wizards could not locate any person of that description living at Bonzo's old home. So as an interim measure, Bonzo was placed in Limbo.

The Headmaster cast an Amnesia spell so the Governors forgot all about Bonzo and the Head Master's indiscretion.

Nicholas changed his surname to that of the Hairdresser and became his heir. He married Heather and had several children with her.

He became a Telly Icon Hairdresser.

He looked after Bonzo's parents really well; they had a wing in his Bucks Mansion and their every wish was granted.

When he retired he had a chain of over a 100 Magic Wand Hair Styling Salons.

Bonzo wondered whether he would ever get out of Limbo, but he always thought that the Geeky bloke would sort it all out.

When Nicholas died and went to Heaven, Bonzo was released from Limbo. Unfortunately he was then sent straight to Hell.