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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > Da Vinci Codus.
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Comedy
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| Da Vinci Codus. | |
| By BrianRobertNeal | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 17 May 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Forget Grails and Templars. The Big issue revolves around the Scroll and the Knight Brewers. DER VINCI CODUS I have to admit that regarding this matter, I remain a sceptic. How a parchment scroll could have survived over the centuries and made its way to Bishop Stortford intact defies all logic. I find it equally unbelievable that having made its way to the minor crossing of an insignificant river it then had been so thoroughly lost. For not only was the scroll missing but there was no vestige of clear evidence that it had ever been in Britain let alone Hertfordshire. Yet the more I researched, the more I was pulled from my position of haughty dismissal. For those of you unfamiliar with the legend I will provide a brief synopsis. A group of lads were out on the tiles in a large town in Roman Occupied Judea. Having had a skinfull, they decide to top it off with a “Roman”. So they went to one of the then increasingly popular chain of “Via Appia” eateries. This chain of fast food outlets had spread round the Empire, following the Legions’ footsteps as inexorably as night followed day. It was part of the Julian doctrine that you are what you eat and so if you eat “Roman” you will in time think and thus be Roman. The Romans unlike the Ancient Greeks had a very literal mind set. In addition to its food the chain was renowned for its nubile and naked fertility dancers. This explains why in a medieval depiction of the meal, the lads are shown sitting on one side of a very large table. Nobody would have sat facing away from the entertainments. At the end of the meal the bill was produced and the lads argued about who had what. Then they had made a run for the door and escaped. Unfortunately one of them, who had been visiting the little boy’s room; came back to find that he had been landed with the bill. In a fit of madness he concocted a cock and bull story about him being an Imperial Spy and that the group were anti-Roman terrorists. However he still had to cough up and pay. But the duty manager thoughtfully gave him the bill which now bore the Via Appia imprest. This indicated that the bearer had paid for the meal. As luck would have it an Imperial Spy was amongst the Diners and the lads were rounded up and conscripted to the Galleys. The bill payer was by Roman Standards, let off lightly, for he was merely flogged and then his wife and children were taken into slavery. The Empire had a very proactive attitude regarding terrorism. Anything that impeded the world’s progress towards its Ideal Roman State had to be ruthlessly eradicated. But for the fact that one of the now galley slaves had been Spartacus the matter would have gone unremembered into oblivion. Our unfortunate bill payer set off on a vengeful mission, to find the miscreants and to get satisfaction i.e. the price of the meal plus interest and a small award for expenses. On his death bed he gave the parchment to his now freed eldest son. The parchment was handed down from father to son over the centuries. This brings us to the time of the Crusades. One of the lesser Military Orders, the Knights Brewers had sent a detachment of Brewing Monks to the Holy Land. The main difference between this order and those such as the Templars and Hospitalers was that they were not very religious and were hardly ever sober. Furthermore they rarely fought anybody unless it could not be avoided or the Brewers were exceptionally drunk. They preferred to buy the next round even if it was not their turn. Bishop Stortford had always been a malting and thus brewing town. So it was not surprising that the Order had a presence there. During one of the many English Baronial Wars, a group of Knight Brewers had been looking for somewhere to crash out following a nights drinking. They happened upon the recently abandoned Waytemore Castle. They put the cat out and closed the main gate. The next morning an armed host was at the gate who demanded that the Brewers declare their loyalty. The Brewers asked who are you? The host replied we are the Kings men and so are we responded the Brewers lets all go and have a drink. The two leaders concocted a story to tell the king, there was a mighty battle and the enemy was routed. A grateful King ennobled his army’s leader, richly rewarded his troops and accorded the Knights Brewers a Charter and large tracts of land in various counties. The Brewers found that they now owned several castles and a nunnery. The latter they quickly turned into a home for fallen women and a Knights Brewers training centre. The Order flourished like never before and when they won the Catering Contract for the next crusade, they received the blessing of the Pope. When you think how many Pubs still have a religious name it is surprising that few people are aware of the part that this forgotten order played in forging our modern cultural inheritance. The problem with the Musselman was he didn’t drink, so out on Crusade, the Order would have to fight, which was a bit of a drag. However many Hospitalers, Templars, Knight of the Cross etc abandoned their orders and joined the Brewers. They were a troublesome lot and so it was a great relief when they finally were sent to the Holy Land. Unfortunate Prior Robertus had had his name drawn out of the helmet and he was charged with leading the Brewers’ Host. His instruction was to see how quickly he could get his troop of hotheads and psychopaths butchered: when he done that he could come home. One irresponsible charge after another had led to the Brewers almost single handedly winning back the Holy Land. So all the other orders ganged up on them and wiped them out. Things thus returned to normal, i.e. pointless battle and massacre being followed by equally pointless battle and massacre. Prior Robertus had escaped the slaughter as he had been in a harem at the time of the outrage. Abandoning his robes and armour he got himself a job in charge of the Harem’s Eunuchs. To avoid castration Robertus pointed out to the harem’s owner, the Emir, that it would be useful to have somebody else to blame should a son be born that the Emir did not fancy being in the line of succession. He could say, Oh no, that one is not mine, its one of that Robertus’ kids. On retirement Robertus was given the parchment. The Emir told him that if he could find a descendant of Spartacus he would be a very wealthy man. The Emir had no idea what the document was or why it was valuable for the ways of the Infidel were beyond his comprehension. Thus it was that the parchment reached Bishops Stortford. But its meaning was now fully lost. For though Prior Robertus returned to Waytemore Castle and handed the parchment to the local Prior, he had then unfortunately died before he could tell anybody what it was. The Local Prior always felt that Order lacked memorabilia and so when he saw what was obviously a bill for a meal he decided that it was in fact the bill for the last supper. This was accepted by all who heard the claim for in a world where saints seemed to have had more limbs than an octopus had tentacles it was one of the more reasonable assertions. Unfortunately for the order they became confused with the Templars and they were all rounded up and exterminated. However one of the villagers who had looted Waytemore Castle had found the parchment and took it home with him. It would look nice on the wall. This takes us now to the 1930’s, and the Brewers Arms in Bishops Stortford. The Pub which was demolished in the 1960’s as part of a town centre improvement scheme had survived until then almost intact and had been a perfect example of medieval domestic architecture. This is recorded on the Blue Plaque attached to the tasteful shop premises that currently occupies the site. These are now destined for demolition but local Heritage Groups are fighting a losing battle to have the Plaque restored and preserved. Apparently there is no chance that it could be placed on the new building as it would “spoil” the aesthetic of the neo-cornflake packet styling. Up until the morning of the 20th of June 1936, the parchment was attached to the wall adjacent to the 18th century believed to be Adam’s chimney breast. However on the morning of the 21st it was found to be missing. There the trail goes cold. A photograph taken in the 1920’s showing the pub’s successful Morris dancing team gives a glimpse of the parchment which by now seems to have been very faded. Attempts to use digital technology have failed to throw any light on its content. However my research took me to the daughter of the woman who had been the pub’s cleaner from 1935 to 1938. Doris Prior said that her mother had been told to take down all the posters that had accumulated over the years and that she had kept the parchment as it would look nice in her lounge. It had been there until 1983 when her mother died and Doris had given it to the man next door. All attempts to find this man have failed though it is believed that he had a stroke of luck in 1984 and moved to a mansion that now borders on the A120 bypass. This man apparently died in 1997 and his heir would not help with my enquiries. So, were the group of young men the apostles and disciples? If so had their tale become entangled with that of the group who ended up as galley slaves? Was the document the bill for the last supper? Did Prior Robertus die a natural death or was he murdered? Was the Brewers Guild, the heir apparent to the Knights Brewers, behind the abstraction of the document? Had Doris Prior whose father had been the 2nd brewer at a local brewery, been a set up to put me off the scent? Why did she not tell me that the man next door was her uncle? How did he get his “pot of gold”? Where is the parchment? SEE NEXT MONTHS SEARCHING ARTICLE WHERE THE AUTHOR BEARDS THE BREWERS GUILD IN THEIR DEN, TRACES THE UNCLE AND FINDS ALL THE MISSING PIECES. REMEMBER “REALLY INCREDULOUS MAGAZINE” IS ON THE NEWSTANDS ON THE 2ND FRIDAY OF EACH MONTH.
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