Summer is coming and with it all the tourists so I thought we should put together a booklet of advice to make their stay as short as possible. I’m hoping this will provoke some responses from all the closet xenophobes who populate the site.
I’ll start the ball rolling and wait for the responses
.....And thanks for your excellent contributions, esp Brooke-rivers, woody and IPFaulkner. I've added them below. And more added from BRN, thanks.
What we would like to tell the tourists.
Big Issue sellers expect you to haggle with them
On your first time on underground you can go free, you’re allowed to leap the barrier and jump onto train but only if you’re carrying a rucksack.
If you meet a blind man in the street it’s considered good luck to spit on his dog
If you’re having trouble hailing a taxi the traditional cry of wan-car is sure to get them to stop.
Be sure to test out the famous echo in the British Library
Do try and make friends with people on the bus, they appreciate the effort.
The queues are only for locals you needed bother.
English are fascinated by language so teach them a few words of yours.
You’ll find pubs are happy to exchange currency and bus drivers will accept your small change.
You can safely leave your rucksack in any hotel foyer for a few hours to allow you to
see the sights.
Don’t be put off by the our national shyness, persistence pays if you want to make friends
Need some extra money: remember the English love clean windscreens and will be happy to pay you to do it.
O.K guys, it's over to you
Additional work:-
by Brooke_rivers (thanks to you)
Trafalgar Square is wonderful for showers, especially if you like birds (pidgeons in particular)
take as many photographs as you like
In good english spirit we will not mind if you take the piss out of our football clubs or complain about our food or the weather
We understand you need to feel safe so travel in large noisy groups, the locals wont mind if you block the pavements
Additional
courtesy of woody44 (thanks woody)
Tipping is seen as a sign of bad manners so on no account tip a taxi driver or a waitress.
Swat up on the little names of endearment given to our policemen, like pig or filth, as this will help enormously if you are taken into custody for any reason.
Feel free to haggle in a charity shop if you think 39pence is too much to pay for a rolex watch.
As the Brits have no hang-ups when it comes to bodily functions feel free to use either male or female public toilets.
If visiting the Houses of Parliament and are lucky enough to bump into our Deputy Prime Minister please remember that,like all our MPs, he will be only too happy to discuss his private life with you..
Ask if you can see the Millenium Dome as you have heard how the brits are extremely proud of this wonderful building.
Please do not be shy to ask if you do not see cat or donkey on the menu in a restaurant, as the owner usually keeps them in the fridge for tourists such as yourself.
When coming through Customs it is polite to offer the officer a small token sum for allowing you into our wonderful country.
If you are going to be very late back to your Bed and Breakfast accommodation do not worry as all landladies will willingly stay up until the small hours so they can have your cocoa ready when you return.
Additional contibutions fromf IPFaulkner :-
All beaches in the UK are nudist unless otherwise stated.
People in the UK can be difficult to talk to and this is accomodated by the public transport system. If you, on the other hand, prefer to share your journey, then the rule of thumb is the further up the bus you go the more accomodating the fellow travellers. If you see a noisy group of teenagers on the back seat of a bus for example, don't be shy just join in!
Newspapers placed outside newsagents in grills are free.
Many tourists are fooled into thinking the traditional English bobby is a real policeman. This is not true - they are part of 'Theme Park UK': knock off their hats for a joke and watch the fun begin.
Additional from BRN
Now that Britain the joined the EC if you see a sign; say in the underground, that says keep left, you must now keep to the right or you'll be fined on the spot.
On escallators you may stand stockstill on either its left or right hand side.
When you get on a Tube train stand by the door the moment you get in and don't move. People will push you etc but there's a train just behind the one you're on, so what's the rush.
The train seats have been scientifically designed so they are just the right distance for you to put your feet up on them.
The words Entry and exit are synonyms.
|
Hello Mrs B?
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 17th May 2006 | Oh no, the prospect of Scandinavian Back Packers kills all sense of humour in me.
Thanks for reminding me that things on the Tube are going to get worse. Happily I don't have to use them more than 2-3 times a month.
Brian.
| thanks
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 17th May 2006 | | ...for your comments Brian but I was hoping for a contribution from you; what about doing one about those Scandinavian bastards | On the other hand..
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 17th May 2006 | I lived in Hong Kong for 8 years, and believe you and me, I used to think much the same when all you buggers came over from UK and the like, with your huge camera's, socks/sandal's combo and meandering saunters through Tsim Sha Tsui and Mong Kok, getting under my feet whence en route to the pub!
Well done!
Givitsum
|
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 18th May 2006 | Loved this idea!!!
A few suggestions to add:
Trafalgar Square is wonderful for showers, especially if you like birds (pidgeons in particular)
take as many photographs as you like
In good english spirit we will not mind if you take the piss out of our football clubs or complain about our food or the weather
We understand you need to feel safe so travel in large noisy groups, the locals wont mind if you block the pavements | a few more..
Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 18th May 2006 | one or two additions:
Tipping is seen as a sign of bad manners so on no account tip a taxi driver or a waitress.
Swat up on the little names of endearment given to our policemen, like pig or filth, as this will help enormously if you are taken into custody for any reason.
Feel free to haggle in a charity shop if you think 39pence is too much to pay for a rolex watch.
As the Brits have no hang-ups when it comes to bodily functions feel free to use either male or female public toilets.
If visiting the Houses of Parliament and are lucky enough to bump into our Deputy Prime Minister please remember that,like all our MPs, he will be only too happy to discuss his private life with you..
Ask if you can see the Millenium Dome as you have heard how the brits are extremely proud of this wonderful building.
Please do not be shy to ask if you do not see cat or donkey on the menu in a restaurant, as the owner usually keeps them in the fridge for tourists such as yourself.
When coming through Customs it is polite to offer the officer a small token sum for allowing you into our wonderful country.
If you are going to be very late back to your Bed and Breakfast accommodation do not worry as all landladies will willingly stay up until the small hours so they can have your cocoa ready when you return.
| Additions
Written by IPFaulkner (83 comments posted) 18th May 2006 | All beaches in the UK are nudist unless otherwise stated.
People in the UK can be difficult to talk to and this is accomodated by the public transport system. If you, on the other hand, prefer to share your journey, then the rule of thumb is the further up the bus you go the more accomodating the fellow travellers. If you see a noisy group of teenagers on the back seat of a bus for example, don't be shy just join in!
Newspapers placed outside newsagents in grills are free.
Many tourists are fooled into thinking the traditional English bobby is a real policeman. This is not true - they are part of 'Theme Park UK': knock off their hats for a joke and watch the fun begin.
| Just one or two
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 19th May 2006 | Now that Britain the joined the EC if you see a sign; say in the underground, that says keep left, you must now keep to the right or you'll be fined on the spot.
On escallators you may stand stockstill on either its left or right hand side.
When you get on a Tube train stand by the door the moment you get in and don't move. People will push you etc but there's a train just behind the one you're on, so what's the rush.
The train seats have been scientifically designed so they are just the right distance for you to put your feet up on them.
The words Entry and exit are synonyms.
(But I think they know this already.) |
Written by Nance (86 comments posted) 20th May 2006 | Was funny to take, in my view, very nice idea plus written with evident humor. Therefore it’s so exciting to read.
Particularly for actual tourists.  | Good Fun
Written by Star-Munky (33 comments posted) 21st May 2006 | I wouldn't mind printing this and putting it up in my office.
I could show it to all the immigrant agency workers we get and tell them it's part of the induction.
Thanks for the Chuckle! | I just had to post on here
Written by cynicsid (177 comments posted) 22nd May 2006 | Cos the number of views was 69 and you know how that gets you over excited. And now it will be 70, about the same age as BRN looks!
I'd tell em, "English women take it as a compliment if you pinch their bums and fondle their breasts.
(Well they do when they are in Italian Rstaurants or off on a Club 18-30's Holiday.) | Anywhere twice
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 22nd May 2006 | | You can take Sid, the 2nd time to apologise. |
Written by jean.day (2266 comments posted) 31st May 2006 | I was looking for something that you had written to do a review and came across this. I wonder how come I missed it before. I guess most of it happened when I was away. What fun.
I can remember coming as a nieve newcomer and was so frustrated by the non existence of public toilets. My mother-in-law said, "There is a toilet behind every bush" and so I kept out looking for signs saying toilet as we drove through the countryside.
When my sister,who is far more social than I am, comes to visit, she always starts up conversations with people on the trains and busses, and they do looked shocked. How dare she.
I had a very uncomfortable interview at customs a few years ago. Not having the proper form (unlike Mr. Blunkett's nanny) and never having needed one for the previous dozens of trips I taken, I was told that he, the emigration official, had the power to send me back to the States. "But I have lived here for 30 odd years." He did't care, and made me sweat for a further ten minutes before he reluctantly stamped my passport. I was so shook up that I got myself British nationality and a British passport. |
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | Never ask a group of English the way from A to B unless you are prepared to listen for hours to the variety of routes on offer. Better to buy a road map or a street map.
Remember it's scons in the north and scones in the south.
Barths in the south and baths in the north.
Good one Jane!!! |
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