Inspired by Josie's poem We're British and We Know ItJust another point of view :) If you're British and you know it, you know better than to boast
Even if each morning starts with tea and marmalade on toast
Roast British beef is off, it's too expensive and too rare
And homecooked meals have been replaced by Tesco's Finest fare
If you're British and you know it then your countryside's a dream,
That city folk don't get to see, 'cept on the TV screen.
No tea, just Starbucks' double decaf latté, hold the fat;
Scones are for the tourists there in Windsor, fancy that!
If you're British and you know it, yes, your history goes way back
to trading slaves and Empire, when the natives copped the flack.
The villages are overrun by weekend-only squires.
The corner shop now shuts it doors, the little man 'retires'.
You can say that you are British if you love your Fish and chips,
but heaven help the many folk who need replacement hips.
Then 'jump the queue' is all that British people want to do,
so off to France on the NHS; if not, I'm going to sue!
British men love football, that's true without a doubt,
but 'supporter's now synonymous with 'hooligan' and 'lout'.
Footballers' wives now fill the mags with trivia and goss;
a celeb is now the thing to be, the best mate of Kate Moss.
British justice was a thing admired by one and all,
before Home Office cock-ups sent the crims over the wall.
The British pint is warm, the welcome warmer, so they say,
but no-one knows their neighbour's name, to pass the time of day.
Yet while the roses may have thorns, this garden be unkempt
We each, as Alan Tichmarsh does, can make our own attempt
to make our little corner of this green and pleasant land
an example of the qualities for which we all would stand. |
Ooooh!
Written by Josie (2533 comments posted) 18th May 2006 | | Ooooh! I'm so glad I have lit somebody's fire at last, ha ha. I hope your poem isn't the last one. I think it is good, but the rhythm is a bit rugged in parts. Really good though! ha ha It's good to light flames as you are getting older in life, ha ha | Thanks Josie
Written by Bailey (5 comments posted) 18th May 2006 | This being my first post I didn't want to go upsetting apple carts - well not much anyway. 
On a technical note, which lines didn't work for you?
"If you're British and you know it, yes, your history goes way back" - perhaps I should drop the way?
Any others?
Thanks again for the review and I'll go looking to return the favour. | Well now:
Written by Josie (2533 comments posted) 19th May 2006 | Actually, there are a few I would change, but I don't like to criticise. You can see that line 2 is shorter. I might have put: Even if you start each morning with your marmalade on toast.
Roast beef line is not right either: I would say: Roast beef is off the menu now. It costs too much - so have a care. Then the rest is OK for that verse.
Verse 3: "as" the little man retires. You need an extra word.
I'd say: - - - NHS, or stay behind and sue.
British men just love their football, it's quite clear without a doubt. (better rhythm)
British justice was the thing which was admired by one and all.
Although the British pint is warm, the welcome's warmer so they say -
This garden be unkempt (is wrong)
English roses may be thorny and this garden is unkempt -
I would end with "should" stand.
This is what I would do, but others may have different ideas. Write it out again with these changes and see for yourself. I hope it helps.
I thought it was really, really good - and I think it will be excellent with the changes. They won't fault your rhythm, anyway.
I'm glad someone took up the challenge. | Had another thought:
Written by Josie (2533 comments posted) 19th May 2006 | Roast beef is off the menu for the price is far too high –
We prefer to eat the cheaper cuts in steak and kidney pies.
| Very Interesting
Written by Bailey (5 comments posted) 19th May 2006 | ...because I think I must be reading a slightly different rythym than you and while I think some of your changes do scan better, they change the meaning and lose some of the bite I had intended.
I think you must be a very optimistic person 
But thank you so much for taking time to respond so thoroughly and helpfully.
bailey
| Brilliant!!!!
Written by NuttyWithIt (38 comments posted) 20th May 2006 | | I love it just the way it is, without any changes!! Josie I think is perhaps a perfectionist on the sly!! I like poetry that comes with emotion rather than perfection!! I once got thrown out of a creative writing course because I never gave any thought to my writing!! In poetry I think it's more about what you feel about what you write, than how it turns out!! I've spent ages counting rythm and having to find the right words to fit, only to read back and find it no longer says what I feel!! Rules are made to be broken!! I'm also a fast reader, and when you read this piece fast and give rythm to the pauses it works fine!! Well, it does for me anyways!! Well done chum!! |
Written by lotusflower (7 comments posted) 21st May 2006 | | I agree, great words and relevant! Like your style. | a lovely slice of British life
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 10th August 2006 | Thanks for posting this.
I agree with evrything you said! |
Written by deathstillness (13 comments posted) 9th January 2007 | I liked it!
Yeah, with respect to all the comments made I loved it as Bagheera said as it is.
|
Written by Marybarry (237 comments posted) 8th February 2007 | I loved it also.
I cant judge the writing, being an emotional writer myself.
BUT the content was GOOD.
Isn't it a good job that the British can laugh at themselves?
Being Irish might colour my judgement on this one.
But I have always loved the British way of life, BEFORE the Sixties. POIROY, Miss MARPLE etc.
marybarry  |
Written by Fledermaus (3160 comments posted) 9th February 2007 | Gosh, seems British aren't very different from Dutch. It seems that one of the national past-times here is looking down upon the homeland...
I think that in spite of all silly things, the British (and any other people) should be proud of their heritage. If they aren't proud of who they themselves are, it's impossible to respect and understand the culture and traditions of others...
So eat scones and cheese, wear hats and umbrellas and keep a stiff upper-lip. And don't forget that you owe many of the typically British stuff to the empire: Hockey, tartans, tea, cricket... | Who's been reading the back catalogue t
Written by Bailey (5 comments posted) 9th February 2007 | Thanks for all your comment everyone. I'd even forgotten I'd written and posted this.
Must have had a fit of pique that day!
b. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (492 comments posted) 2nd February 2008 | | triffic! Fabulous rhythm to this. But we are SO cynical when there's so much in Britain to love. Greasy spoon breakfasts, the National Trust, tea, country pubs, Westminster Abbey, Jerusalem, stone circles, Elgar.... |
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