These are not comedy bits but I didn`t know where else to put them. They have all been printed in the Daily Mail under their `one-line philosopher` banner. I reproduce them here only to boast at having them published and after having read them you will realize why I have taken to reading the Telegraph...
When Spanish fishermen go to sea do they always castanet?
Do they have wedding breakfasts so someone can toast the bride?
People who are two-faced usually end up with no one to turn to.
Jealousy will get you nowhere- unlike your neighbour in his brand-new BMW.
Letting a lion loose in Trafalgar Square would certainly put the cat amongst the pigeons.
Plastic buckets are just a pail imitation
A near-bankrupt thatcher is usually clutching at straws
To build a plane without wings is to fly in the face of convention
A trainee boxer is soon shown the ropes
It`s a rich man who could buy things he doesn`t need- and a stupid one who does
So there you have it. I`m sure some of you can come up with some equally scintillating one-liners!
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Move over GC here comes Woody
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 19th May 2006 |
Gosh all these famous published writers that I now "rub" shoulders with.
My fave is:
"When Spanish fishermen go to sea do they always castanet?"
Oh by the way if I've not said it before thanks for your comments and time,
brian.
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happy days..
Written by woody44 (776 comments posted) 19th May 2006 |
I am usually a very modest sort of guy, I don`t know what came over me...
Thanks for your comments Brian, both here and across the way in short stories.My wife has gone off for the day on a `Jolly` and I`ve never spent so much time in front of my PC! |
Written by simon.ward72 (60 comments posted) 20th May 2006 |
Good selection here woody.
One of my faves is:
Never try and impress a woman on a bus - if youre on a bus, youre not impressive.
Just wanted to add that I once had a work printed in a national. It was a solution to a computer game back in '86 that was shown in 'Computer and Video games'.
The game was called 'Alex Kidd in the High Tech World' It was a very thorough and useful guide if I do say so myself.
So theres a few famous(ish) writers here it seems. |
Written by woody44 (776 comments posted) 20th May 2006 |
Thanks Simon. Liked your one-liner. Perhaps if we get enough we could publish a book! Ironically my wife`s parents met on a bus trip and were married for over fifty years!
Okay about the computer game solution. Everything, as someone once so famously stated, is grist to the mill...
happy writing..... |
Written by simon.ward72 (60 comments posted) 20th May 2006 |
Wow, your parents were definatley an exception.
I think its a rule for modern times really, as 50 years ago being on a bus was probably quite impressive.
It showed that you had at least a small amount of cash available for such luxuries, even if it was only a thrupenny bit, or a ha'penny bob, or some shit like that.
I agree about the mill stuff. 'Its all tarmac and spoons', as I think my old grandad may have once said. |
very clever
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3370 comments posted) 20th May 2006 |
Hmmm the daily mail, eh? OK now I'm scared.You're not one of those you think a suspended sentence means hanging are you?
I Laughed at all of them, my favourite was the rich man one.I'm afraid I'm not even going to try and match them.
It's all too clever for me.
BTW what the hell does 'Its all tarmac and spoons',
Mean if you're listening, simon?
cheers
BBS |
Written by simon.ward72 (60 comments posted) 20th May 2006 |
Its one of those old world sayings like 'twice for a pilchard' and 'hairy the dog'.
I guess they had more meaning in those days. Still, todays kids could learn a lot from that sort of garbage. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3370 comments posted) 20th May 2006 |
You don't fool me for a second, sweetie,you're making all these up yourself. Either that or the gin was a hell of a lot stronger in those days, talk about "old wives tales!"
BBS |
come off it!
Written by woody44 (776 comments posted) 20th May 2006 |
`It`s all too clever for me`
methinks the lady doth protest too much..
I`ve read all your pieces and reviews Mrs B so don`t try and pull the wool over my eyes...
Hanging? Now there`s a can of worms. Worthy of a website all to itself (probably is one somewhere) As for the Mail, I worry what on earth they will find to write about if ever Mr Cameron and his mates ever snatch power. Wait a minute though, perhaps there would be extra space for a few more of my.....
Thanks for your time and comments
happy writing...
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mercenary, me?
Written by woody44 (776 comments posted) 20th May 2006 |
| The bus-riders were my wife`s parents Simon, so you can see I married into money. Of course should my wife and I ever part I would not under any circumstances expect a huge settlement... |
Ergo..Er go on!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st May 2006 |
Well Woody, I missed this super little gem. Here's me thinking you were just a BT Engineer [Retd] and all the time you are at the cutting edge of Western Metaphysics. I know Bt Staff like to spend a hour or so in the pub, but I thought it was dicussing Modems; not Cartesian Logic or Hume's Theory of Contiguous Probability!!
My favorouite is good old Lucky Locke, allegedly the Father of English Empiricism. His earth shattering discovry appears to have been 'It Takes One to Know One' It took him thirty nine years, seventeen volumes nad an Oxbridge education to come up with that blinder. Frankly a flat foot Kerry farm boy could have told him the same in the time itakes a dog to sit down! But Oh.. you intellectuals!!
Well done! |
my brain(!) hurts...
Written by woody44 (776 comments posted) 21st May 2006 |
Good afternoon to you Gerard. You have touched on quite a raw nerve her old son. It is not generally known that I was nearly sacked because I didn`t agree with my bosse`s interpretation of old Hume`s Theory. He maintained that the mere act of contiguity put one on a far higher metaphysical plain wheras I took a more subtonic view.
And as for modems...
Many thanks for your comments! |
From Plato to Pluto to Plain Daft...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 21st May 2006 |
Woody, forgive my insensitivity. I had no idea it was as serious as that. You can picture the scene at the Industrial Tribunal.....
CHAIRMAN. Well now Mr Woody. I see you are bringing action against BT for constructive dismissal. You allege you did not harrass and stalk Miss Goodbody because of her 40 Double D Chest. But rather since she deliberately contradicted the Thomist Orthodoxy on the Interprtation of the Nature of Matter....
Slainte!
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How the mighty are fallen...
Written by woody44 (776 comments posted) 22nd May 2006 |
| I`m afraid a set of fleetingly placed grubby hand prints on a certain piece of Corporate clothing brought the case to a swift conclusion and I can now be found outside a somewhat dingy railway station, complete with obligitory scruffy mutt, flogging the Big Issue... |
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