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Comedy
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| Lucky Break | |
| By Leo | ||||||
| 20 May 2006 | ||||||
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Another attempt to hone this elusive craft.... i think i might take up an easier hobby - like lion taming or something.... Mervyn Pickles was going to bring his pitiful life to an end. He stared down at the ground far below. This was going to seriously hurt. But as he saw it, he had no choice. This was the only way to bring the losing streak to an end. Mind you, it had been a thirty-three year run of bad luck. His original plan had been to drop majestically like a wounded angel from the roof of the ‘End of the world’ pub. But having arrived on the day he discovered it was shut for refurbishment. Just his luck. So it was that he stood on the roof of the nearby bookies. He licked his lips and looked down at everybody scurrying round. His head span, stomach sank and anal sphincter pulsed anxiously. He looked back on a life of misfortune. Nothing had ever gone right. It wasn’t his fault the midwife given the job of bringing him into the world hadn’t done her shoe laces up. But trip she did, as she cradled the newborn infant. After the three front somersaults he had been destined for an almost perfect landing in the arms of his distraught mother. That is, had it not been for the intervention of the delicate little arm on the drip stand. Onto which the saline hung, and then his left nostril lodged. Of course the midwife was ever so contrite after the fact. However with the cartilage in his nostril being so traumatically elongated, he was destined to live a life with a nose like a lop-sided spaniels ear. And a permanent sniffle. His bad luck didn’t end when he started school. His first kiss had ended in tears. Literally. It had been his bad luck that Sally Wickes had felt so desperate to sweep his nostril to one side and lock lips on that fateful day. That day with the highest pollen count in 13 years. In all likelihood she would have forgiven him the seismic sneeze that rent asunder their lips. Maybe the quart of snot that ricocheted off of her epiglottis was a little more debatable. But, finally it was probably when his last loose milk tooth took out her left eye, that the relationship was at an end. The poor girl wears a patch to this day. Lady luck hadn’t made his acquaintance during his senior school years either. The fact that his mum had boil washed his P.E. shorts led to their snug fit. When dressing to the left his amazingly pendulous scrotum would slip out of his shorts, as if it were some strange Siamese twin like creature was coming out of a long hibernation. The chances of catching a veruca as he scaled the climbing ropes were almost infinitesimal. But sure enough he managed to pick up eleven in succession. So it was that he spent each night before bed, tweezers in hand, with a copy of ‘Charlie and the chocolate factory’ between his teeth as he plucked the angry little splinters from his swollen appendage. Throughout it all however, he remained a man with his family very close to his heart. This was his mothers misfortune. He had actually been on his way to visit her in hospital, after the nasty incident with the mug tree, that he met the woman of his dreams. It wasn’t his fault that the owners’ children had been feeding the new puppy jelly babies. He perhaps should however, have been looking where he was going. It was his failure to spot the small, slimy pool of yellow faeces with what looked like drowning sailors floating in it, that was his downfall. Green and black and red sailors. It happened when he broke into a sprint for the bus and just as he reached optimum speed that he put his foot in it. His legs went in opposite directions as his scarred loin absorbed all the strain. Reaching out and grabbing the nearest object was all he could do to reinstate equilibrium. It just so happened to be the handle of a rather elderly gentleman’s brand new electric mobility cart. His family had saved up for months. It was actually the throttle, he managed to grab. He himself sat transfixed as the cart careered into the path of oncoming traffic. The driving instructor had removed the dual control this morning, in order to give himself some legroom as his gout was flaring up. Snatching at the steering wheel was all he in turn could do to avert a fatality. The car went straight through the Sue Ryder shop front, where Eunice Pottle had just stooped to grab a sly look at the well thumbed copy of the kama sutra. So it was they met and fell in love in the accident and emergency department. She had been a devout Catholic all her life, and as she saw it that this man had been there when god interceded and punished her for sinful thoughts. Whilst they removed the shards of glass from her buttocks, Meryvn had popped up the ward to see his ailing mother. The nurses had asked him to leave in the end as it seemed her heart rate has mysteriously increased during his visit. Not long after his visit, a rather vicious strain of E-coli swept through the ward and wrung out the bowels of most patients and staff. Investigators subsequently determined that someone must has brought and pet, or traces of pet waste into the ward… After her hospital stay, and the injunction served by his mother, Meryvn and Eunice moved in together. It was only mobile home, but it was theirs. His intention had been to save up and get married, but once again fate intervened. He had only been trying to turn his skoda Estelle round in the company car park when he reversed into the bosses Daimler. It wasn’t so much the huge dent in the corner that caused him problems, it was more the fact that he had disturbed his boss. His boss, who had been sprawled out on the back seat receiving a rather accomplished piece of fellatio from the new admin assistant. It actually wasn’t even the fact that he had disturbed the boss that proved to be his ultimate downfall. It was the young ladies involuntary tightening of her jaw during the collision that caused the problems. The surgeons had never seen the entire head of a penis cleanly removed before. They vainly attempted to reattach it during a marathon 13 hour operation, but it was no good. It turned black and fell off a week later. End of Meryvn. Desperate to keep his fiancé and his dreams alive he had been forced to make urgent career choices. The one when he decided to chance his arm as a gambler, was not his finest. The lifelong players that sat round the baize that night had never before seen a man lose 27 hands on the trot. ‘Dirty’ Harry Hitchcock was not in the mood to take prisoners. Loan sharking, prostitution and drugs were his stock in trade. There was a victim born every minute. Smelling the blood in the water he gave Meryvn one last chance all or nothing to recover his losses. His hopes, his dreams, his money and his mobile home rested on the turn of a card…. So there he was standing on the ledge looking down at the lucky people as they went about their business, without a care in the world. It was all he could do to draw a veil across his pitiful existence. It was too late now, his luck would never change. He wanted the best for Eunice. He couldn’t actually remember placing the life insurance policy in the letterbox, but fingers crossed anyway. And then he saw it. Glistening like a tiny slither of a rainbow, lodged in the gutter. A ring. A huge diamond ring. Had some magpie snatched from the windowsill of some mega rich socialite and dropped it in this gutter after tiring of flying so far with such an enormous weight. Had his luck finally changed. He stooped and plucked the treasure from the muddy gutter. Yes it was real! Yes.. YES! It was at that moment that the ancient façade of the ledge finally gave way and Meryvn fell, tumbling into space… The newspapers were full of it next day. The news vendors screamed themselves horse. ‘Read all about it. Freak death outside betting office!’. The headlines screamed out. ‘Man killed in freak fall’. “Local entrepreneur Harold Hitchcock was killed yesterday as he collected his winnings from a well known high street turf accountants. A mysterious man leapt on him from a nearby building. ‘He evidently landed feet first on his head, snapping his neck instantly’, a Police spokesperson said yesterday. “He was clearly a psychopath. After picking himself up, apparently unscathed, it seems he looked at poor Mr Hitchcock and laughed out loud before emptying his pockets and snatching his winnings.” Whilst Police have appealed for witnesses, no one yet has been willing to come forward with a description. ‘If this man gets away with committing this heinous act in broad daylight, he will be the luckiest man alive’.
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