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Poetry


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Irreversible

By ndobiecka

21 May 2006

I'm not used to showing poetry. I write stuff all the time that no-one sees (and some of it is staying that way). But I'd like to develop some of it so I'm making a start and this is it.

This was inispired by an exercise. The exercise was to use a random word and write an 8-line verse. The word of the day was immutable. I know it doesn't have 8 lines but considering it had a pretty random start I was pleased with the way it came out.

Of course it might make no sense at all and just be a collection of words that wants to be a poem when it grows up... (OK, I'm going to stop typing now...)

A diamond disposition, a wall of ice, cut crystal facets with which my soul to slice.

I try to soften you, apply a silken sheen

but I am not able, you continue to gleam.

You’re glass shards tearing

through me, a soft screen.

Although you’re split by my pain, you just can’t change.

You remain immutable, the way you’ve always been.

Reviews

Hi ndobiecka
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 22nd May 2006

Ever since I went to Writers's groups I've developed an irritating habit of re-writing other peoples's work.

The Boundary between Poetic Ragged Prose and poetry is a fine and arbitary one.

A diamond disposition, a wall of ice,
cut crystal facets with which my soul to slice.
I try to soften you, apply a silken SCREEN
but I am not able, you continue to gleam.

(things with a sheen tend to gleam, but a screen would shroud and try to suppress the gleam)

You’re glass shards tearing
through me, a soft RAVINE.
Although you’re split by my pain,
you just can’t change.

(Played myself into a corner having use the word screen.)

You remain immutable,
the way you’ve always been.

I meant well, I'll get me coat.

Brian

Reviews

Thanks BRN
Written by ndobiecka (20 comments posted) 22nd May 2006

I appreciate it...

I think you're right about the placing of SCREEN, I toyed with putting it there too....

I would then change the next part to

"You’re glass shards tearing through my soft sheen"

Thinking about it, I was probably more surpirsed at what came out and pleased that something did, rather than pleased with the way it is... Hmm, I think I'll continue to work on it!

Thanks again for the comments

:grin

Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 21st July 2006

I truly enjoyed this poem!!!! I don't know about changing the words...I like it as is but I'd just break up the first line after "ice" Great work, though!

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