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Poignant
Written by ndobiecka (20 comments posted) 21st May 2006 |
How true.
It reminded me of a very old memory of staying with a family friend when we first moved into a new town. I woould have been about 4. I can't remember where my mum was but one night I sleepily wandered into the bathroom where the "other mother" was bathing her daughters and was really surprised and confused because I didn't know why she was there.
I got that 'where is my mum' feeling then and your short story brought it back.
N |
Powerfull Piece
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 22nd May 2006 |
I wonder if it would make a better visual impact if you split it into paragraphs
"When I awoke it was dusk. the greyness of the day had begun to become the darkness of the night. I felt cold and shivery. My bed was damp from sweat. There was an eerie silence in the flat. Shadows hid imagined horrors, but I was hungry and thirsty so I needed to be brave.
I slowly sat up and swung my legs out of the bed. My throat hurt and my head ached. I stood up and as nausea rose from my stomach my head span and my legs gave way beneath me. It took a while for me to get back into bed.
Tears running down my cheeks I called out for my Mum, but I knew she wouldn't come; she never did. She was busy working. Working to give me a private education; working to give me holidays abroad; working to give me the finer things in life; working to give me a better future.
I was 8 years old and being 'watched' by a neighbour, but all I wanted was my Mum to care for me when I was ill!!"
It also gives the reader time to pause and consider.
I meant well, I'll get me coat,
brian
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Ta BRN!!
Written by NuttyWithIt (38 comments posted) 22nd May 2006 |
It does look much better split up like that!! This is what happens when you write AND post at silly o'clock in the mornings!!! I will write out 100 times 'I must proof read my work!' lol Not that it will do any good, I never take advice, let alone my own!! Although yours will be stored for future reference!!  |
very true..
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 23rd May 2006 |
| I suspect this is the norm in a lot of homes now, with all the external pressures put on both single mums and couples living together. We live in a consumer age and I think in the long run it is the children who will suffer..if this was you nutty I hope you came through it ok. I`m sure you did! A nicely written piece.... |
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 25th May 2006 |
A nice short piece.
You captured the feeling in minimal words whilst still making it interesting which is an impressive thing to do. You style is very natural the only sentence that I felt was a bit akward was:
the greyness of the day had begun to become the darkness
I see what you are trying to say here, but this line stuck out from the natural flow of the rest of the passage.
Thanks for your contribution! a good read! |
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 28th May 2006 |
| I enjoyed reading this, and you clearly portrayed the need for kids to have their parents available. |
Heartfelt & Succinct
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 18th August 2006 |
Your short piece resonates with me - and will with many other readers I suspect. The demands of modern life on parents are great - the hint of resentment I think I detect is understandable - this is a big issue you have addressed in a nutshell.
In terms of style it may be a bit rough at the edges, but a rough diamond which moves the reader and demands empathy. Technique can be polished up - soul must be there from the start, you clearly possess the latter in spade-fulls. |
Demands of life
Written by NuttyWithIt (38 comments posted) 19th August 2006 |
| This is truly me, and the resentment is as real today as it was then, However, the hardest thing to accept is that I cannot blame my other for not being there, because she was doing what she thought was right at the time, bringing home a good wage for us to have a good standard of living!! but it begs the question, what price happiness? |
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