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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > The changing face of terror
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Comedy
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| The changing face of terror | |
| By Leo | ||||||||||||
| 22 May 2006 | ||||||||||||
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Only if you like schoolboy humour.... As Detective Chief Inspector Harry Prescott arrived at he crime scene, the paramedics were rushing the trolley to the back of the waiting ambulance. A pitiful looking figure lay face down on the trolley, weeping. The nearest paramedic held an enormous ball of tissue paper against the forlorn figures buttocks. “He’s buggered’ said the paramedic without expression. “Shh!, he’ll hear you, Prescott said. Widening his eyes and bringing his finger up to his lips. It looked like the sensitivity training had paid off. He continued in a whisper, “even if he will die in the ambulance, before he’s had chance to make peace and say goodbye to his family…” The victim groaned. “No, he’s been buggered - There’s been a traumatic flange extensification – worst I’ve ever seen.” Medical parlance had always lost Prescott, he needed to watch more casualty. The paramedic then broke it down for him “It looks like he’s been reamed out by a bull elephant…” Prescott swallowed hard. The paramedic reached down, lifted up the tissue paper, and pointed. “Look, there’s more slack in there than in a government department..” Prescott sucked in through pursed lips, and winced. “It’ll be weeks before he can sit down, and he’ll never ride the unicycle again….” Prescott made his way toward the main crime scene. Uniformed officers were standing round looking pale and queasy. He took a big deep breath to pull his considerable girth in, as he ducked under the blue and white bunting. Instantaneously he felt his own sphincter give way. The eleven pints of Stella and the prawn vindaloo from the previous night had yet again formed an unholy alliance. They had clearly hatched a diabolical escape plan. There was a hot, wet squirt followed by a feeling of warmth. He stood bolt upright like a startled deer, before looking left and right. Jarvis, the young rookie detective had just snapped his cell phone shut and was making his way towards the crime scene. “I’ve just spoken to the press office……” “STOP!” Prescott cut him off, holding his outstretched palm up like a traffic warden. “Guv?” said the startled rookie. “Stay back! STAY BACK!” The rookie looked confused. “The unmistakable stench of death, Jarvis. You never get used to it. You’ll need to hold your breath son” Together they moved gingerly on towards the crime scene, hankies on faces. The coroner was stooped over the body, sprawled out on the floor. A deranged smiling face looked up at then. Both men then twisted and contorted their necks to take in the maniacal grin. The corpse had his trousers and pants around his ankles. “A second victim? Prescott pondered. “No detective, this is the perpetrator.” Prescott was puzzled, a live victim and dead offender. Very strange. The coroner pointed at his exposed loin. “See the chaffing on the tip of the penis, the burst blisters…”. It looked very sore indeed. Prescott subconsciously touched his own groin, just to make sure it was ok. “and the compressed scrotum” Peering closer, Prescott thought it looked like a very small packet of vacuum-sealed vegetables. “This is the by-product of extremely vigorous and sustained sexual activity”. “Cause of death?” Prescott enquired. “Dehydration”. “Dehydration? - No gunshot or knife wound?” “No”, said the coroner emphatically, “Look at those hollow cheeks. He’s as dry as a bone. He must have lost gallons of fluid, and very rapidly” It was then that Prescott noticed the little blue tablets spilling out of the corpses mouth, and littering the floor. A plastic pill pot with ‘viagra’ was clutched in his hand. The coroner continued. “Gentleman this is something very different. Something very new. A whole new ball game. We’ve never the likes of this on the UK mainland before…” Prescott gulped… “Gentleman.. I give you… the suicide bummer…”
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