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By Dragonshadow
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25 May 2006 |
Heres chapter 2. just so every one knows there is a prolouge in short stories but it is really bad. Ive tried to use the comments from last chapter to improve my work, but please tell me the bad things of this story so I can improve it.
Thanx
Dragonshadow Chapter 2 Closed EyesThe white light blared into my shuteyes. My head was spinning but I felt no pain. Wait, pain was meant to be there. The fireworks, the explosion, Lexis! I tried to sit up but it was like those mornings where your body is paralysed. Where am I, I thought to myself. I heard a constant beeping. I must be in a hospital. I heard running footsteps. “He’s awake, quick call his parents!” the voice shouted, and it echoed down my ears. “Ok now you need to tell me if you can here me” I opened my mouth to respond but all that came out was a short gasp. What’s wrong with me? I feel strong enough to talk but I can’t. How serious is the damage? I thought to myself. This moment, I know, is my moment of weakness. I can’t see anything, can’t move and my life is in the hands of people I don’t know. But the worst thing is all I can do is lay and wait.
“Oh my god, it is true, I can’t believe it my son is awake!” I hear a voice shrill through the air. I also hear sniffing which means she is crying. The sniffing came closer and I felt arms hug me. What, she was talking to me! She didn’t sound anything like my mother. “His eyes will open in a few days, but he is clear to go home” a familiar voice talks. The doctor, that’s who it is. “ Oh my god I can’t believe this is happening” The voice of my presumed mother was now all shaky from crying. “We’ll help wheel him out,” the doctor said again. They picked me up and placed me down again. I then felt myself being rolled. Where, I don’t know. But I presumed we were going to the car. When we got there I was placed into the car and they drove home. I was then taken to my room where they placed me on my bed. I can’t move but something feels different about this bed, about this air and about this atmosphere. |
Good.
Written by alastair79 (47 comments posted) 25th May 2006 | You need to break your paragraphs up, try putting dialog onto it's own line to emphasis it.
As a sighted person, to loss one's sight is a fear most of us can relate to, so a little more detail of his feeling of isolation from his family as he lies in this condition could work well.
That’s my two cents worth, but this is good and I do look forward to the next instalment.
Regards.
Alastair.
| I'm gripped!
Written by Leigh (254 comments posted) 25th May 2006 | I like the way you keep your chapters short - maintains interest and makes for easy reading by sticking to bitesize chunks.
You describe very well your character's thoughts, the sounds around him and his frustrations at trying to work out who is speaking to him, to indicate his sightlessness.
I definitely want to read on and find out what becomes of your character, whether he regains his sight, etc.
Agree with Alastair you need to break up the paragraphs. | brillient mr shadow
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 25th May 2006 | | When i scrolled down I was dissapointed there was not another paragraph and i dont really think you can say much better than that. | Thanx
Written by Dragonshadow (11 comments posted) 25th May 2006 | Thank you all for the comments. I will definately try harder with the paragraphs. Can't wait to read some of your writing
Dragonshadow | Should you not ...
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 25th May 2006 | be in bed young man  | Interesting ...
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 29th May 2006 | ... I have read loads on this site, but I keep coming back to two posts, this is one of them. Waiting with bated breath ...
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