This is a very personal piece.
Unlike other work, i think i actually wrote this for me.
It’s 1977…
I am nine years of age..
It was the sort of scream that you felt as well as heard. I awoke with a start, leaving my dreams behind. My heart was racing. It was happening again. It was just after 2 am on my snoopy clock, and my father had just arrived home. He had been drinking all day, again. When he drank, the jealousy and hate consumed him. I’m aware of the fact that I’m crying already, before I’m even fully awake. I just want him to stop. To leave my mum alone. Please leave my mum alone.
“D’you wanna fuck him?.. Do you??… DO YOU!!”
Always the same. I’m getting used to it. Accusations of infidelity. There is no one person that she is accused of consorting with. It’s just anyone who happens to be male and have been anywhere near her, for any reason; neighbours, friends and even family. He can’t seem to realise she wouldn’t do it. She loves him, or at least she loved him, I’m not sure which anymore. All I do know, is that she is absolutely terrified. Begging him to believe her, and pleading with him to leave her alone. The next scream coincides with the sound of splintering furniture. She is screaming again, and again like some terrified and wounded animal facing a likely death.
My little brother is 5. He stands silhouetted in my bedroom doorway; scared, confused and sobbing. I hold open my arms and he climbs into my bed. We cuddle and cry together. I kiss his forehead as I hold him close, and tell him mum will be all right. It almost feels safe, beneath the warmth of the covers, but it’s only a matter of time before there is more screaming and shouting and pleading. Never once over the years did any of the neighbours intervene, I think this was because they were terrified of my dad. I didn’t blame them, even then. I understand what it was to be afraid.
The gaps between the outbursts have increased. He is probably close to unconsciousness, as the alcohol finally renders him senseless, or my mum has managed to somehow pacify him. I find myself straining to listen, to see if I can hear them conversing in normal tones. This usually means the worst is over. Please..please..please I say over and over again. Like a prayer to some higher power who will hear me and make my dad normal. Sobbing to myself, I cuddle my brother close. And then, finally, the emotional exhaustion overwhelms me and a fitful sleep comes…
By the time I awake my dad has already left for work. My mum never says anything. She just busies herself with the ritual of getting me and my brother ready for school. The only visible reminders of the night before, are my mum’s puffy eyes and the hole in the kitchen door. It’s about shoulder height so it was probably a fist. This time any way. Other times, he had used his feet and even other pieces of furniture. Years later I was to learn that he had sometimes sat her on the sofa with a knife to her throat and even held his shotgun against the back of her head. Always the same, trying to test her denials of infidelity to breaking point. Anyway, it was time for school and we headed out of the front door. We walked down the road to our school, where my mum would wave us goodbye as we ran up the school path to it’s entrance. As I waved goodbye when I reached the top of the path, I was already dreading what the night would bring..
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Restained Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 25th May 2006 |
I think memories at that age are very significant , you are starting to form your own value judgements and apply them to what you experience. I've said this before but there are two types of writing here:- one is writing for your own personal reasons, for catharsis or clarity; the second is to entertain, both are equally valid but the latter will be more easily assimilated by others. I think you've managed to bridge that gap by keeping a reign on the emotion and just describing what was there,and paradoxically it's all the more powerful. A strong and remarkably restrained piece. BBS |
thankyou... Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 25th May 2006 |
I agree totally with what you say about two types of writing. First and foremost i suppose i did this to empty all the rubbish out of my head (to free up a bit of much needed space!), and secondly, i was hoping that i could succeed in producing a piece worth reading... if current form is anything to go by the next piece should be crap! Thanks again...
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3136 comments posted) 25th May 2006 |
"to free up a bit of much needed space!)," A wise move, Leo. I think it was that wise sage Homer Simpson who said "Whenever I learn anything new it pushes something old out of my head" andyou're getting rid of something old which is even better. (that was supposed to make sense,never mind) BBS |
Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 25th May 2006 |
really moving but also frightening even just to read. I liked the way you wrote it from a childs point of view. Is this an entry for the lazy writers homework? |
Written by jean.day (2196 comments posted) 27th May 2006 |
| This is a very powerful piece of writing, which must have been hard to write. Thanks for sharing it with us. |
Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 1st June 2006 |
| Very powerful. I don't know what to say!! And have a little more faith in yourself! You have something special! Great work! |
Written by Nance (85 comments posted) 14th June 2006 |
Hello, Although you wrote it for yourself, anyhow, it was exciting and fascinating for me to read. Easy to take and interesting to get acquainted. To my mind, this is really open and honest memories, and that makes them so peculiar. Best wishes, Nance. |
Accurate Written by LePetomaine (8 comments posted) 9th July 2006 |
| I know the score-I had a violent alcoholic parent-all the children ended up with severe emotional problems-my sister committed suicide. |
Written by Witzl (1585 comments posted) 15th October 2006 |
| I too found this very readable and very moving. That you did not blame the neighbors for not intervening is remarkable -- I'm sure I would have. I cannot imagine what stores of courage your mother must have drawn from to be able to cope with this on a daily basis. |
Well done Written by patterjack (1060 comments posted) 15th October 2006 |
I am so glad you did not fictionalise this-- yet -- though I have no doubt that there are the seeds there of some future very good fiction writing . It brought me to the point where I can easily empathise-- even though my own life has luckily been very placid. patterjack |
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