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Comedy
Stort Radio's Arts Night
By BrianRobertNeal
04 June 2006
Nearly Past It's piece reminded me of my attempt to capture Local Radio's ambience.

As it said before Local Radio Stations are tricky Johnnies.

Go With the flow,
Go with the flow
Go with Stort Radio.


Well ladies and gentlemen welcome to "Art about Art". I'm Art "Lover" and tonight you're going out on the tiles in that crucible of culture: Bishops Stortford.

First we're off to a premiere at the local theatre. An interesting piece entitled "The Moderato".


Then we're at a thrilling darts final at the Pig and Oxymoron.


And finally for you night owls; we're female nude mud wrestling at the YMCA.


To discuss the Opera I have with me, the arts critic of the East Stort Examiner. So let's give a big welcome to Nigel Naice. "Hi Nige"


NN-"Hi Art."


Advert-Are piles probleming you. Try Daisy Buts, one a day and they'll go away.


AL-"Now Nige, as you know we went to last night's premiere and videoed the show. So we can add comments to help the listener. What did you make of it?"


NN- I think that the female chorus make it all worth while particularly the four Muse Moderatos. I could giver them one!


AL-"Steady on Nigel, this is a family show!"


NN "Calm down Art I meant an Oscar. The plot is fascinating a group of mutants want to take over the Universe. So starting on Earth they set up a supposed Website for writers.


There is a council of Moderatos who have control over space and time. However one of their "forums" is causing problems and could undermine the plan. So the Evil SciFi King aims to wipe out this subversive Forum. But I'll go no further cos I would give the shock ending away!


I ought to point out the Opera uses melodies written by Sir Arthur Sullivan and a Libretto apparently written by the spirit pen of W.S.Gilbert as taken down by local boy Brian Neal."


Advert-
If plumbing is a problem
don't let it get you down,
 just phone for local boy,
Augustus Brown
and Sons Plumbing Ltd.


NN "Can't you shut those bloody things off"


AL-"Sh! you're on air, right Nige tell us about scene 1.


NN-Scene 1 is set in a Medieval Japanese Village called Kiwiagreen, it's the local fleshpot! It paints a picture of a society content and well balanced. The set is simple, two huts, one grand and one modest.
 

In the modest hut are the three quippers; Woody , Geecee and Brnie. In the other one, you can see the Moderato sat on a golden throne and at her feet is Beebee-ess, her hand-maiden. All bar the Moderato are paying devotion to their Bamboo, Solar powered Lap Tops.

AL-Thanks Nige and now lets let the curtain rise but first.


Go with the flow,
Go with the flow
Go with Stort Radio.


AL- "THE MODERATO-Act 1 Scene 1-Morning all:

The quippers leave their hut and for no apparent reason start singing"

Windows, WIMP WIMP WIMP
Windows  WIMP WIMP WIMP

We a havva  We a havva
Double giga bite a ram
Double giga bite a ram
As powerful as can be.
It is so compact and it's so neat
And at least two weeks
from being obsolete.


Windows, WIMP WIMP WIMP
Windows  WIMP WIMP WIMP
We a havva  We a havva
Double giga bite a ram
Double giga bite a ram
As powerful as can be.


NN-"The Moderato startled by the noise leaves her hut. She is followed by BBS. She sings"


From every kind of webbing chum
Obedience I expect
I'm the Moderato of this forum



Al -"BBS Sings"


And I'm the Moderato Elect
She'll give this web
(She's only got one)
 To her Moderato -elect


NN-"Then the Moderato."


My Webbing skills have been declared
Particularly correct


Al -"BBS Sings"

But they're nothing at all, compared
With those of her Moderato elect

Bow Bow
To the Moderato elect


NN -they then all sing.

Bow Bow
To the Moderato elect



AL-"Gaviano, the Emperor's son now enters stage right. He has been sent to find out what is happening in Kiwiagreen. He is disguised as an itinerant Musician and a mop salesman. He looks at the 5 onstage and sings."


A wand'ring minstrel I
A thing of shreds and patches
Of ballad songs and snatches
And dreamy lullaby

My catalogue is long
Through every forum ranging
To reviews ever changing
I tune my supple song
I tune my su-u-u-u-u- pple song


AL  "Gaviano then looks suspiciously at the quippers who surprisingly burst into song."


Three little wits from the Quippery
Bright and cheerful as we can be
Full of web site glee
Three little wits are we


Writing is our source of fun-(NN "Woody")


Nobody's safe for we care for none (NN Geecee")


Life is a joke that's just begun (NN Brnie)


Three little wits are we.

Three little wits who all unwary
Come from a local quipperary
Full of genius exemplerary.
Three little wits are we
Three little wits are we


NN (The quippers go back to their hut, the Moderato eyes up Gaviano and BBS behind the Golden Throne.-End of Scene 1 )


Advert-Piles just smile! Daisy Buts, one a day and they'll go away.


AL-"Well I found that on the short side and unless I'd read the programme, I would have had no idea what was gong on"


NN-"I think it was nice gentle intro and the melodies were sublime.


In Scene 2 things hot up. The location has changed to the Hall of the SciFi King. It is very futuristic and resembles an early Doctor Who set.


At centre stage back is a gizmo: a device for transporting persons from one time/place to a completely different combination.


At the start the stage is empty. However the female chorus breaks the silence and come onstage dancing and singing.


AL-"The female chorus is split into two: General moderatos and muse moderatos. The GMs are dressed in the traditional twin set and pearls. The muses are dressed in flimsy see through gowns."


NN-I wondered if they were wearing anything else.


AL-"Well, all I can say is that it would be worth coming to the Opera; just to see their entrances!


GO with the flow

go with the flow

go with Stort Radio.

Reviews
jam packed
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3285 comments posted) 5th June 2006
This is a case of G&S meets GW. Were you spoofing local radio, Gilbert and Sullivan or GW? 
Still not sure how you managed to shoe horn all those into one sketch and still have room to send up windows 
"And at least two weeks  
from being obsolete." 
Amen to that.Sweetie,how very true. 
Cleverly handled and funny with so many different threads to savour. 
Also it is noticeable how uncomfortable local radio is in dealing with the "arts" they desperately want to keep it light and jolly so as not to scare the listeners. I think you got the measure of it just about right 
cheers  
BBS 
 
Hi BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 5th June 2006
"Were you spoofing local radio, Gilbert and Sullivan or GW? " 
 
Yes. 
 
This was written for another Website but with a change of cast it just creeps in. 
 
My favourite bit is,  
 
"Well ladies and gentlemen welcome to "Art about Art". I'm Art "Lover" and tonight you're going out on the tiles in that crucible of culture: Bishops Stortford.  
 
First we're off to a premiere at the local theatre. An interesting piece entitled "The Moderato". Then we're at a thrilling darts final at the Pig and Oxymoron. And finally for you night owls; we're female nude mud wrestling at the YMCA." 
 
Glad you liked it, 
 
Brian. 
 
Bleedin' culture
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3285 comments posted) 5th June 2006
Well ladies and gentlemen welcome to "Art about Art". I'm Art "Lover" and tonight you're going out on the tiles in that crucible of culture: Bishops Stortford" 
 
Yes I must admit that made me grin. Nothing against Stortford,you understand, (though you do have the Rhodes centre there, a true cultural oasis) it's just the needless overstatement that makes it so surreal. 
I did like teh way you got them to "big up" all the terribly tacky things that go on in the name of provincial culture. 
I was also jealous of the way you took in about 3 themes there. I often loose teh track of the one.I'm doing. Hey-ho 
"the Rhodes centre "
Written by cynicsid (177 comments posted) 5th June 2006
How did you know about the Rhodes Centre? 
 
It's one of BS's best kept secrets. A small fortune has spent turning a mediocre arts centre into an appalling one. 
 
All this Nottingham business, I reckon you're from Sawbridgeworth! 
 
Siddie
Another...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 6th June 2006
I enjoyed reading this as ever but I got a bit stumped by the continuity. I rather think it is something that rewards the ear more than the eye. If so my compliments to you as that's how I earn my living. It isn't at all easy. I know. Especially when the actor they've hired on the cheap cannot manage the idiom. Nonetheless not your problem here. Well done. I always seem to take to your pieces, Brian. 
 
Slan!
Hi GC
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 6th June 2006
It does orate better than it reads. 
 
Nature imitates art-Oscar Wilde, my Comedy Forum on Writers' Dock has been scrubbed and all the works on it deleted! 
 
Though at the time of writing this piece, nothing could have seemed more unlikely, 
 
Thanks as ever for your time and comments, 
 
Brian.
Up-date
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 7th June 2006
And so has the Panto.(Been scrubbed.) 
 
I now have the status of a four star "Friend of the Dock"! 
 
It's a bit like Orwells "Victory Cafe", I am informed that I am no longer a subscriber. 
 
Total eradication is presumably just round the corner. 
 
Brian. 
 
Que?
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 7th June 2006
Sorry. I don't follow. What have you done to be expelled or whatever from this Dock? What is this Writers Dock?
Sorry GC
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 7th June 2006
I suddenly noticed a certain irony, 
 
" So the Evil SciFi King aims to wipe out this subversive Forum. " 
 
I've PM'd you.  
 
Brian.

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