A pen portrait of someone I met at a Writers's Group.
She’s a dumpy little thing. Her head seems to be too wide for its height. The glasses that she wears enhance this illusion. Their lenses are oblong, she should have big round lenses, and her hair should be kept off her forehead and sweep down each side of her face.
Her chin runs almost continuously into her throat. She’s pear shaped, and parts north are firmly heading south.
However, one night there she was all dressed up. No spectacles, best party frock, discrete make up and accompanied by her man. They sat down near me. He said something to her and smiled. She replied.
The look on her face defies all attempts to get mere words to give it its full due. It was a heady cocktail, of love, care, passion, lust but most of all happy content. It said that you and I are us and we are ours forever.
For that moment she became utterly beautiful
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Written by jean.day (2908 comments posted) 5th June 2006 |
| When I started reading this I was getting ready to say, How can you be so insensitive? But then you finished it off well, and I can't say that after all. But it is a pity that you couldn't see her beauty when she has her glasses on and isn't dressed up, because it must have been there all the time. |
Less than skin deep
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 5th June 2006 |
It was her smile which beautified her.
Brian |
Written by Ludlow_Bangs ( comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
| I don't really see this as being insensitive, it's a simple fact that some people just aren't attractive. That doesn't mean they have to be patronised or pitied, it just means, as this piece inferred, they have to have other aspects to make them attractive, be it physical or mental. Everyone does have thewse aspects to, be it as common as a smile or otherwise. |
In the eye of the beholder
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
I read this and was like jean day, thinking 'how insensitive', then I read on and realised that her love, the love she had for her man, projected a radiance, that alone she didn't naturally project.
It shows that the sum of two parts is greater than their individual constituents. Surely, the essence of what love is all about.
This is a lovely piece, great attention to detail and I enjoyed reading it.
well done
mishmish |
Maybe I'm over-critical...
Written by Espiral ( comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
Hi Brian,
The content here is nice, I've also seen similar transformations in people. I'm not so sure about the way it's written, it feels somewhat hurried and perhaps a bit clumsy in places... forgive me for being blunt, but for me it gets in the way of the sentiment of the piece.
"Her head seems to be too wide for its height" - do we talk about the height of a head?
"..parts north are firmly heading south" - i think the word 'firmly' confuses the saggy or flabby image that you clearly mean to give.
"..defies all attempts to get mere words to give it its full due" - it might be just the word 'get' that doesn't sit right, but I'm sure this sentence could be worded more elegantly.
"happy content" - presuming you mean content as in conTENT, not CONtent, I think this is again rather inarticulate. The whole phrase sounds a bit repetitive to me.
Sorry for the criticism, but hopefully it will benefit you! Perhaps you didn't spend much time on this piece; I normally find little fault with your writing.  |
we're all guilty
Written by netkwake (31 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
Hi Brian,
I think actually that we are all guilty of this at times no matter how unpalatable it may seem.
Some people we find instantly attractive and others we will view as unnattractive, some we will find utterly repugnant (how do we react to wino's for instance?).
Fact is, first appearances can be deceptive and we rarely bother to look any further if someone doesn't appeal to us. I know we would all like to consider ourselves as liberal, open-minded, tolerant and all inviting..... but we aren't.
Occasionally though, as this story depicts, we can see something wonderful if we just bother to look. The old adage about beauty being skin deep really does ring true here aswell.
Anyone can be beautiful, it just depends what parameters you judge beauty by.
Its actually rather a nice story.
cheers
nk
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simplicity itself
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
lovely piece.
i'm with you entirely, sometimes people need to smile in order to ignite their beauty.. not necessarily marylin monroe beauty, but a warm and comforting beauty. |
Teeth in a glass...
Written by woody44 (876 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
How many times have we seen it? a sudden smile, an inclination of the head, so many things can change one`s whole appearance. Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, as I now realize when I go to bed each evening with a Granny! (forgot to tell you I loved that line Brian)
happy writing... |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
I thought it was a really vivid piece of writing with an emotional integrity to it that really made you feel you knew that person. Youhave a knack for writing really strong female characters that just jump off the page
BBS |
Thanks LB
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
I read this at the Writers's Group that she went to. The next time we met she had new , gig round glasses and and had changed her hair style. Was wearing make-up but she couldn't raise that smile for me or any of us!
Thanks for your time and comments.
Brian.
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Thanks M/M
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
"This is a lovely piece, great attention to detail and I enjoyed reading it."
Bless you for it was from the heart.
Thanks for your time and comments.
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Hi Esp.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
"Her head seems to be too wide for its height" - do we talk about the height of a head? "
I just did.
"..parts north are firmly heading south" - i think the word 'firmly' confuses the saggy or flabby image that you clearly mean to give."
No it was deliberate, floppy parts determindly going downwards.
""happy content" - presuming you mean content as in conTENT, not CONtent, I think this is again rather inarticulate. The whole phrase sounds a bit repetitive to me.
Yes., either would apply, her happy contentment or the items mentioned previously providing a happy content-bit like a goody bag.
" Perhaps you didn't spend much time on this piece; I normally find little fault with your writing. "
Perhaps: but I wanted a stark contrast between the matter of fact dimissal of her and the sheer loveliness that the right person could draw out oif her.
Noetheless thanks for your time and comments,
Brian.
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Thanks NKW
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
"Its actually rather a nice story. "
Glad you think so.
Thanks for your time and comments.
Brian
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Hi Leo
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
Thanks for your time and comments.
"but a warm and comforting beauty"
Spot on, I envied him!
Brian. |
Woody
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
First the kids then the next generation, wonderful things wives and daughters.
I'm glad you loved that line from Fave Things.
Brian. |
Thanks BBS.
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 6th June 2006 |
"You have a knack for writing really strong female characters that just jump off the page"
That point has been made at the Writers' Groups that I use to attend.
Once again thanks for your time and many comments,
Brian
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Better late....
Written by gerardconnolly (1354 comments posted) 7th June 2006 |
Hello Brian,
I have only just got around to reading this but thought it an apt and intriguing piece, mercifully short and free of literary pretention. With such a subject it would be so easy to descend into mawkishness. Not so here. Simply a few lines designed to capture a moment. Skillfully done. As for any insensitivity; I am not sure I know what the word means and emphatically not in this context.
My compliments to you. |
Ta GC
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 7th June 2006 |
A review to dream about. Glad you liked it.
I tried to bubble wrap a moment and preserve it for ever then share it with others.
Thanks for all you time and comments,
Brian. |
True Words
Written by givitsum ( comments posted) 14th June 2006 |
Well done BRN. I too have met people, who whilst initially unattractive, have grown on me and later appeared beautiful 3-4 hours later. Whether the 10 pints of lager during that time is responsible is open for debate.
Cheers
GVTSM |
Hi GIM
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 14th June 2006 |
Welcome back,
Thanks for your time and comments,
Brian |
Written by Star-Munky (33 comments posted) 22nd June 2006 |
I love to analyse people in this way.
I definately don't feel that, at any time, your observations were at-all 'insensitive' rather just that, observations.
I think it's terribly good fun to delve far deeper than just "She's nice looking" or "He's a bit ropey looking" I've never thought about writing it down though. I think I may try it now.
Thanks for provoking some new thoughts
Kurt |
Hi SM
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 22nd June 2006 |
I thought this piece was beyond its "read by date".
I went through a stage where I tried to "bubble wrap" a moment, preserve it for ever and share it with others.
I only managed two, i think the other was called "A Heavenly Body", then as always I shot off on another tack.
Thanks for your time and comments,
Brian. |
seeing things
Written by strawberryshrapnel (61 comments posted) 30th May 2007 |
Hey Brian, I love observing people..and then even better, how they relate to other people...and change.
There is a song that says "the greatest thing we can ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return" |
Watto StrawS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1436 comments posted) 31st May 2007 |
Nice to meet you,
brian |
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