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Comedy
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| Modern Policing | |
| By BrianRobertNeal | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 07 June 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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The body of this piece was posted elsewhere and the questions are based on questions that were raised by ppersons posting "reviews", The CC would welcome further questions. Good evening, as Chief Constable of Nerdleshire ,I believe my words should carry some conviction. And you will be pleased to know convictions for the Insult and Abuse of ASBO holders, by seemingly law abiding citizens, has gone up 1000 fold. There is no room in our society for persons who shout rude words at youngsters who are merely jumping up and down on a Granny or those who when receiving a kicking insist on kicking back. On the odd occasion the would be assailant has suffered bodily harm. Two wrongs do not make a right. Now we come on to the heavy stuff. Yes the big one, not parking so one's vehicle is within the white lines. Some cynics have said that the new parking boxes would just about hold a Mini. That is true but then the number of parking spaces has gone up by 50%. So care for the environment and buy a small car. Cameras: We all love Cameras don’t we. Mobile phones, you know the things you get mugged for, nowadays double up as cameras. So we are just keeping up with the Public. I have been asked, why dont we accept as evidence photographs phoned to us by the general public? Well; these cameras aren't very reliable and their evidence would not stand up in court. On the other hand our cameras are reliable and now form the backbone of our enforcement regime. Brick walls may have been recorded as travelling at over 40 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone but only 3 to date have been prosecuted. Soft on criminals, this has become a bit of a cliché and it needs to be put in its place. Criminals are our "customers", for if there were no criminals, there would be no need for our services and we would all have to apply our skills elsewhere. There is a limit to how many shelf-stackers the supermarkets need, so let’s be realistic. If we concentrated on the hardened criminal, in a few years we would have done ourselves out of job. This, at a time when you all want more Bobbies on the Beat! The only way to get more Bobbies is to get more criminals or allow the existing ones to get away and therefore commit more crimes. So Ladies and Gentlemen you have only yourselves to blame. I've been informed that I am now expected to answers questions from the floor. First question please “So how do you turn on them nifty little blue lights on the cars???” They are voice activated sir. For example if I shout, "Tea break time",the little blue light, the siren and the cars headlamps and other lights will all pulse together." Thank you Const....., I mean sir. Are there any more questions? “Is it going to rain tonight?” Well sir, as you know, we don't like our boys being out in the wet and cold. So we have a clear record of wether or not it is going to rain. However we keep this knowledge secret, cos we don't want the villains to know when we are going to be tucked up in our Stations drinking cocoa. Next question please “I've a question to ask. I watch all the big cop series on the tele, so with all the sex and so on, how do you ever find the time to deal with the criminals?” Madam, You may well ask, however the fact that we do, is further evidence of our dedication to our Duty! Next question please “Is it true that we shall have in the future have to dial 101 when calling the Police and it will cost 10p?” No madam, It is 10p a minute but only if phoning at off peak rate times. If you're phoning from a mobile, your service line charge will be additional. So on the positive side make sure that you are a victim of a crime or a witness to the same in off peak rate time. If this sensible measure cuts down the spurious calls that we have been getting from people who have only suffered from minor crimes such as theft, assault etc, we can concentrate on Serious Crimes , such as the Ilegal use of “Disabled" Stickers in Car Parks. In fact my Fraud Squad concentrates on nothing else. The operation is so lucrative that we are thinking of floating them off as a PLC. Next question please
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