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Comedy
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| The Rough Guide to Football | |
| By Bottleblondesurfer | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 12 June 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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For those of you ,like me, left bewildered by all the bru-ha-ha over this football contest.Here is a little light-hearted explanation. If you are easily offended best not to read on. Soccer was invented in 1966 so England could win something again. The concept was dreamt up, in desperation, by disgruntled cricket fans just after the National team had ignominiously lost to the Ethiopian women’s knitting circle (reserves). The game and rules were designed to make sure England would win. The fact that we won against the Germans sealed soccer’s fate, it became the national game. (allowing us to sing 2 world wars and 1 world cup at every opportunity) Talking of rules, you need to know there is no such thing as the off-side rule. This is a made up conceit (a bit like Mornington Cresent) to give supporters something to argue about without ever coming to a conclusion and to befuddle their women folk and chide them for not understanding it. For the sake of harmony, best to pretend it does. The players :- this can be confusing as they keep changing but to keep it simple; if the players win they are a well honed team of clean limbed lads, trained to perfection and a credit to their country; if they lose they are a bunch of talent-less, overpaid pansies only interested in selling aftershave and couldn’t even score with a page 3 girl. That’s really all you need to know. To really appreciate soccer you have to consume huge quantities of alcohol. There is no escaping this one. The two are inextricably linked. The irony of pot bellied, drunken supporters contemptuously criticising the efforts of these slim muscular athletes should really be enjoyed in silence. Football supporters don’t do irony Another strange anomaly is the wearing of numbered shirts by supporters. They wear the official shirt with the name and number of their favoured player. So supposedly (in some parallel universe) on the off-chance of an emergency substitution they would be ready to play. They may have to travel the 2000 odd miles but at least they won’t have to waste time changing shirts. This leads us neatly to the fact that obviously logic and common sense play little or no part in soccer. Otherwise why would we invest so much time emotion and money for little or no return? Involved in this is the thorny question of patriotism again we are on doggy ground. We are cheering our England team who until they had been bought together, many of which had been playing for foreign teams and don’t even live here, eg Beckham in Spain. Yet suddenly they are an English team. This makes perfect sense to supporters and players. One important thing to remember we never lose a game “We was robbed” is the correct expression. Under the same banner it is acceptable to blame the referee as well It is necessary to explain the purpose of the referee. It is a strange role, a bit like the scapegoat of old times. He takes on all the evil and sin in the game and then becomes the embodiment of hate and wrong, leaving everyone else (including the players) free from any blame whatever the outcome. In footballing terms there is no such thing as a sense of humour, it is taken far too seriously for that; so do not in any way try to make fun of the game as I have here. The responses I get here will prove this point. So, kids, just tough it out for now or do what I’m going to do and go on holiday
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