It has just been announced that yet another rural brothel is to shut its doors because of spiralling costs. This time it is in the tiny village of Little Peniston. Elderly residents are particularly dismayed by this news as the nearest brothel is ten miles away in Wellhungby, and the local bus only goes there every other Wednesday. One elderly gentleman, who wouldn`t give his name, said he was absolutely heartbroken.

    "I always look forward to going down of a Monday mornin` and seein` all my pals from the village. The staff are always so very pleasant and if you have any sort of problem, big or small, they are only too willing to help out in any way they can."
 
 A spokesperson for Rural Brothels UK, Ms J Presscott (no relation) said she had every sympathy with anyone who would be affected by the closure, but at the end of the day it came down to simple economics. 

     "We appreciate that brothels are the very fabric of country life and that is why we have done our upmost to stave off this closure. Our Manager, Miss Criante, has put off her retirement (due to ill-health, illness unspecified) in a last-ditch effort to avoid having to `shut up the shop` but all, I`m afraid, to no avail. She even tried a `two for one` offer to tempt more customers in but this caused some rather unpleasant scenes and the idea was reluctantly dropped. Ms Presscott (no relation) went on to say that in future they would concentrate their business in deprived areas such as Ballybunnion and Saffron Walden. "However we do concede that the closure may cause some problems to our more vunerable customers. With this in mind we have introduced several new schemes, one being a a free mini bus service to Wellhungby twice a week, and for those unable to travel, a blow-up doll (with free electric pump for those with breathing problems) will be distributed to all our regular customers over the age of sixty five. We have come to an arrangement with the Council to have the dolls emptied on a pre-determined day, this day being governered by the colour of the doll. If anyone has any difficulty getting to grips with this brand-new innovation, one of our staff will be only too willing to show them how to go on. Finally, I appreciate that this is not an ideal situation, but if we all pull together I`m sure the frustrations will quickly disappear...."

     It has just been revealed that the brothel has been bought at Auction by a wealthy London entrepreneur. When asked what he planned to do with the building he said he hoped, with suitable planning permission, to turn it into a much-needed sub post office......