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Comedy
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| The party | |
| By Leo | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 15 June 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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A true (ish) story The streets were dark, and this was a double dodgy part of town. The Libertine club stood before me. If the crumbling exterior gave any indication of what I could expect within I was in trouble. I was nervous and swallowed hard before crossing the road. The doorman’s mother had obviously given birth standing up, because it looked like his face had been used as the brake. I made a mental note; don’t do anything stupid inside. I tiptoed past him as he attended to the pitiful figure crawling through a huge puddle of vomit on the pavement. I descended the stairs into the bowels of the club. It was more like the bowels of hell. Everyone looked wasted. The air was thick with the smell of alcohol and illicit drugs. What was I doing here? Oh yes, the invitation. And then I saw her, on the stage. Her long slender legs wrapped sensuously around the pole, as she slid down along its length. Her smooth golden tummy stretched taut between her hypnotic hips as she curved her back and threw her pelvis forward. There wasn’t an ounce of fat or silicon. She was perfect, absolutely perfect. Her sculpted lips and dazzling blue eyes took my breath away. In front of her, a solitary figure lounged out on a chair, with glass of champagne in one hand. From the cut of his Italian suit I could tell that this guy had money, serious money. I caught the gleam of his Rolex oyster. They exchanged eye contact, and she smiled. He had those moody, magnetic looks that were only gifted to the rare few. I was near enough next to him as I found myself drawn to the stage. My jaw had dropped, and my gonads skipped a beat. He turned to face me “You won’t get her number son, so don’t even think those thoughts.” I flushed with guilt. I’d been caught, “ That’s Mrs B…” “What the Mrs B?” “One and the same sunshine. I don’t know why she does the writing thing – she makes a fortune doing this. She’s the best. They tell me she’s given private dances for kings and princes, captains of industry, politicians, I’ve even heard she’s given John Prescott one…” I was in a state of shock “Sorry” he said rather apologetically, “I should of introduced myself. I’m Woody..” “Woody?, The Woody, wow thank goodness! You’re nothing like I expected. I thought you’d be…” “..older?... I know, I know.. people believe any old bollocks you put on a website.. sorry you are?” “Leo.. I’m Leo” “My turn to say wow now… thought you’d be …” “Younger?” “No.. slimmer and less ugly but hey! what the fuck…welcome to our little soiree. Great you could come…Fancy a drink?” We turned and almost instantaneously I walked into a brick wall, at least that what it felt like. Then I realised it was a chest. A very big, very muscular chest. I looked up to see a huge set of piercing eyes staring down from a huge shed-like head. This sat on top of a truly mountainous set of shoulders…gulp “Siddie Siddie Siddie… this is Leo… be nice.. be nice… he’s one of us!” He reached out with a fist that looked like a bunch of marrows. He grabbed my hand and shook it violently. I heard the bones pop, but tried not to cry. “Pleased to meet you new boy….” His voice boomed out, “meet my big brother… Briaaaaan!” At that moment the wall surrounding the doorway to the toilets collapsed in a plume of brick dust and shattering glass.. my blood ran cold, he wasn’t joking. Think Jurassic park, and double it. He seized my bloody fist and pumped it to the point of disintegration. Just when I thought he was going to pull my arm off, Mrs B called from the stage. “Ooh Brian…” He turned to see her flick her freshly removed thong through the air. He leapt up with the majesty of a trained dolphin, snatching the thong between his teeth. Unfortunately he landed with the finesse of king kong, leaving three drinkers unconscious. Owch! I needed to get out of the way before I got seriously hurt. “Err the little boys room woody?” “This way me old china…” The smell hit me before I even crossed the threshold. Somewhere between prawn cocktails crisps and babies sick with a little bit of battery acid liberally sprinkled in the mix.. I took a big deep breath, before tiptoeing across the flooded floor. I was keen to dodge the discarded pubes and condoms As I approached the urinal, I heard a grunt, a sigh and a giggle. The cubicle door opened and a very slight effete figure slipped out, wiping his hand with a piece of slimy tissue. He wore skintight leather jeans with a little figure-hugging crop top. He paused to speak to the unseen figure behind the door. “Next time we’ll have to use lube..” He sniffed his finger furtively, before sashaying out of the toilet in a very mincey kind of way. All that was visible on his lower back was a tattoo that said ‘GIVITSUM’ with an arrow pointed down the cleft of his bum. I stared on, amazed. “I always thought he was..” “Straight? No! Told you. All that bollocks that people write on the site. Don’t believe a word. He’s had more rings than Gerald Ratner..” As we re-entered the dance floor, there was a kafuffle over by the entrance. A tall black guy, swept in. His dreadlocks streamed over his shoulders and ran through the thick gold chains that hung around his neck. He was surrounded by an entourage of near nude women. Everybody stared. “That GC..” woody pointed out. He caught his eye. “Yo woody.. waasuuup?” “GC, I’d like you to meet Leo” “Leo my man, “ he said extending his diamond encrusted right fist. I’d seen the movies so I kept it real. ‘like ya posts man… keep dem coming...” “Err… will do” “Laters my friend” Then as quickly as he arrived, he disappeared into the distance on a sea of babes. Once again I was left slack jawed. “I thought he was…” “White? I know. Most people do. He does most of his writing on the porn set. You’ve probably heard of some of his movies. He’s got the Irish porn market cornered. He appears as the ‘cock from county Kildare’, ‘The Ballymena bell end’ and ‘The Donegal dong’ He’s BIG in porn, if you know what I mean…” “Wow…” Just then, one of the girls broke away from the pack that was dancing around their handbags and stiletto’s. “Here comes mishmish…” Our eyes locked and I extended my arm, to greet her. “Leo, you want to watch out..” Her fingertips were within touching distance, when she ducked low and grabbed my nuts. I felt the first three reef knots, after that it went numb. “…she thinks she some sort of secret agent after a bottle of blue nun!” As I tried to unpick a loose end of nut I saw her skip off into the distance. I’d barely had chance to catch my breath when we heard another commotion coming from the dance floor. Siddie and Brian were busy chucking bodies through the air as if they were toy dolls. “I dunno..” said woody “every time some who has defected to another website comes in… they take it soooo personally” The crowd then hushed as a tall gothic figure cut through their wake. She stood fully six four, with jet black hair. Her face pure white, with black lipstick and eye liner. Her full-length leather coat clung like a second skin. “Uh oh…Brook's on the war path..” There was a meaty thud as she smacked their two heads together and dragged the slumbering forms out up the steps… “Nobody, but nobody messes with Brook… what Leo? Not what you were expecting?” “I don’t know anything anymore, I give up..…” “Come on me son, you look like you need a drink. What’ll ya have?” “eh.. make it a Malibu and coke..” “okey dokey..” he put the order in, and bought me a pack of pork scratchings as well. “Look later on we’re heading back to nascents later for a game of spin the bottle. We do it every week. He’s outside chucking his guts up at the minute.. you up for it??” I paused for a moment, and reflected on the situation. I suppose if I wanted to mix with these bohemian literary types, it was a case of in for a penny…. “Yeh..” I said, “why not!” “wicked! Welcome to greatwriting Leo… Cheers!” And so the party began…
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