Great Writing - Home > Short S. > The Shocking Sound of Silence
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1465 guests online and 2 members online
Shorts
The Shocking Sound of Silence
By mishmish
16 June 2006
Another little attempt at short stories. Comments as always, appreciated. Especially as I'm still a beginner at this short story thing...


"I can't believe it. Another one. Who's behind it?"

Ernie stared at the headlines, shaking his head. "I mean love; you'd have thought the police would've some clue by now."

"What did you say, love?" called Betty distracted from the kitchen. Her hands wrist deep in flour and butter. She wanted desperately to finish baking. Although she was strong, slim and sprightly for her age, her rheumatism was playing up and standing wasn't helping her. Oh well, at 65, what could she expect. She'd had a good life. Colourful, in some quarters, but not racy, nor cheap. Through her job as an army nurse she'd seen the world. Tasted the fruits of love and finally settled with Ernie in her mid 40's.

The flour sifted through her fingertips and suddenly, it was sand. On her stomach, the soft grains slid between her supple thighs. Cooler beneath than on top. Betty rolled on to her back and he leaned in to kiss her.

"Didn't you hear what I said? They should have caught him by now."

"Oh...um...Sorry?" Betty looked down. Flour once again covered her hands.

"Should have got him. It's not right."

"No dear, 'course it isn't." said Betty vaguely.

"You know Alf was in the Bank last week. And the bastard did it."

"Did he?" responded Betty, turning to check the oven. 250 degrees. Just right.

"He was bloody terrified."

"I'm sure he was."

The cake mixture dolloped in great globules into the tin. Betty watched it, and she was there, again. The pale yellow mixture gradually morphing into body lotion, slowly slipping down his back. Gently, she rubbed in circles, making swirling vortices, encapsulating her gestures of love.

"He almost did one in his trousers."

She glanced down, her hands were turning whirlpools in the cake mixture.

"He hasn't seen a gun since Korea."

"He must've been frightened."

"Too right! And you know the most shocking thing?"

"No love, what?"

Puffing slightly, Betty bent down, shoved the cake in the oven and slammed the door.

"He doesn't say a bloody word. Not a thing."

"No. I wonder why?"

"Obvious innit. Doesn't want his voice to give him away. Probably a bleeding foreigner."

"Could be, love." Picking up the bowl and utensils Betty dumped them in the sink. She'd wash them later.

"No 'could be' about it. Who goes into a bank holding a card saying 'Put the money in the bag and no one will die.' He doesn't want his voice to be recognised."

Turning on the tap, Betty looked thoughtful for a moment, while she filled the kettle.

"No one had seen his face, then?"

Ernie shook his head vigorously. "He wears a balaclava. Only his eyes are seen. And he's all in black. Like a bleeding shadow."

The sound of cascading droplets drenched Betty. He smoothed down her wet hair. The water making rivers, as they made love...So long ago.

Betty reached out to turn off the tap.

"What do you think, love?"

"I don't know, you know more about all this news stuff. I don't have time for it."

"But you must have a feeling?"

I had feeling, once. Oh yes. I had feeling.

"I don't know, love. We've run out of milk. I won't be long."

Vacating the kitchen, Betty headed for the bedroom to pick up her bag. Turning, she looked round at her husband. He was engrossed in the paper, devouring the news like a Sunday roast.

Silently, she closed the bedroom door, walked over to her chest of drawers, pulled the bottom one open, and there, underneath her support tights and girdle was the faintest outline of a balaclava. Reaching in, she grabbed it, and smiled, an inner smile of deep joy.

Not for money. No. To help her feel again.

Reviews
Hi MM
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 16th June 2006
Thanks for your reviews. 
 
Your handling of detail and conversation is excellent. 
 
However and I don't know why, I expected the "denouement".  
 
Still, it was an interesting read that did not go down well trodden paths, 
 
Brian.
Girl power
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 17th June 2006
I seem to be coming across lots of violent or dangerous women lately...what can i say, soon men will be living in fear of their wives and girlfriends... 
 
neat little story, cracking dialogue, and a nice twist! 
 
keep em coming!
On your toes...
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 17th June 2006
Beautifully told story Mishmish with well judged, natural dialogue. Not sure if I believe in a rheumaticy Gran posing as a bank robber though, don`t they have to be pretty nippy once they`ve got the money? That apart you are obviously an excellent story teller and I look forward to reading more of your offerings.  
 
happy writing.. 
woody

Written by brook_rivers (484 comments posted) 17th June 2006
great litlle story mishmash! 
I liked the way that you showed the conversation between Betty and Ernie's conversation with Betty's thoughts interrupting, that was a stroke of genius! 
 
The last line was all revealing, no more words needed to explain you said it all in that short sentence.& as BRN mentioned an original story. 
 
Best wished 
 
Brook
Good stuff...
Written by SammoR (111 comments posted) 17th June 2006
 
I could just about see it coming. 
 
But that's not the point - the writing is good, the dialogue great. My fave line is -'he almost did one in his trousers'. 
 
The ASBE story -my own 'Lotus Eating' - are balaclavas becoming fashionable despite the hot weather?!?
Thanks everyone
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 17th June 2006
Thank you so much for your comments... 
 
Yes Woody, I did think it was stretching the imagination a bit having a bank robber biddy with rheumatism, but of course, she'd been in the army, knew how to handle a gun, and obviously was still sprightly on her toes...so, not such a mega-mind leap! I think... 
 
I've come to realise writing short stories uses a different skillset to writing a book/novel/epic/'pain in the arse to all around' type of thing/ and this is very enjoyable and gets the creative juices flowing... 
 
Thanks again for your kind comments.  
 
with best wishes 
 
mishmish 
 
PS Please don't fear me Leo...I'm not that violent (despite what you may read in the next few chapters...)I'm a sweet girl! :grin

Written by Clifftown (620 comments posted) 19th June 2006
Really liked this, would say it's a great basis for a novel. I loved the contrast of Betty doing something really domesticated whilst at the same time discussing a crime she'd just committed and thinking back to her past - we women really are better at multitasking!  
 
The last line sums it all up, but my favourite has to be Ernie devouring the news "like a Sunday roast". Fantastic. 
 

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item