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By Nina
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19 June 2006 |
Hi everyone. This is my first posting and I would be extremely grateful for any kind of feedback. Many thanks. Sinclair woke up with a terrible pain in his right leg. It felt like his calf was about to burst. ‘Ouch!’ his mouth opened in a grotesque grimace. ‘Gosh, I am getting old.’ was the first thing the cramp brought into his mind. He put his feet on the floor and tried to stand up. However, the right leg didn’t want to listen to the brain’s demand. ‘Bloody hell!!!’ he stumbled over and fell back on the bed. He waited for a few seconds and then tried again. This time he managed to contain the spasm and make the leg obey. ‘Lip lap lip lap…’ he limped his way to the bathroom. There was plenty of moonlight getting in through the bathroom’s curtainless window so he didn’t bother to switch the light on. He lifted the toilet seat and relieved himself into the white toilet bowl while leaning over with his left hand resting on the cistern. ‘Phew, that’s much better!’ he said while listening to the jarring sound of the flushing water. He shuffled back to his bed. Once in it, he stretched his right leg vigorously. The pain was nearly gone. He dozed off immediately. A bothering sensation made him wake up brusquely after just a few minutes. ‘Damn, I forgot to wash my hands.’ He tried to get up but his right leg refused to move. He lifted off the duvet. The leg wasn’t there. He looked around and his eyes caught it leaning against the wall. ‘Hmmm, the wood needs a good polishing’ he thought out loud. ‘What a nightmare!’ he continued, glad that everything was back into place.
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Written by josefnpat (19 comments posted) 19th June 2006 | I like the humor of how he wakes up with a leg in his dream, but when he really wakes up, he's happy that it's not there.
This man seems a little too clearheaded to start off the morn with a "gosh" and then a "bloody hell." If you rewrite, you might consider trying to get something that will round the character. From what I can tell, he's an old man that has spent many years on his legs, and is sometimes forgetful, but still a man that has to stay with a personal ritual. You might want to have him reminisce on his past, maybe bring to life why his leg hurts so much, or maybe have him tell the reader something that was just a bad. Good start! I like the humor very much! | The Cramp
Written by Buchan (42 comments posted) 19th June 2006 | | well expressed . good response to a question of age . Thank you for writing and sharing. | Great!
Written by gwynn1970 (109 comments posted) 20th June 2006 | Hi Nina. I liked your short story. I see you are easing yourself in gingerly. If only all men were as thoughtful as old Hop-along here.
My husband invariably urinates all over the seat, and then lifts it up, if you can imagine anything so outlandish?
And he never washes his hands.
Nice little tale.
Gwynn
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Written by Nina (8 comments posted) 20th June 2006 | | Thank you for your encouraging comments. I haven’t written anything in ages, more exactly, since I was in school. English is not my first language either and sometimes I find it difficult to put thoughts into words. Still, I suppose you can only get better with practice. | Good start
Written by Leigh (254 comments posted) 20th June 2006 | Welcome to the site Nina. I too enjoyed the humour of this short piece.
Despite his physical problems, the man seems to have a philosophical, positive attitude to life. Again, I like the way he is reassured that his 'real' leg isn't there as it means all is normal! His comment about the wood needing polishing shows he has a great sense of humour - I like this character already.
One nit-picky point: you could do with a few paragarphs to break up the flow of text.
Look forward to more... | Clever and Deceiving
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 20th June 2006 | Hi Nina
Welcome on board! Good story!
I was intrigued by this little tale. It drew me in, quite unexpectedly, given the initially mundane subject matter. Nice twist at the end and a good upbeat feeling despite the old man's loss of a limb.
Good stuff! Well done
best wishes
mishmish |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 22nd June 2006 | Welcome to the site Nina. A nice little tale with a good twist at the end. Do not worry too much about trying to express yourself, you are doing just fine.I hope you enjoy the site, and find the comments useful.
happy writing
woody. | Thanks again
Written by Nina (8 comments posted) 23rd June 2006 | | Thanks woody. I think this site is brilliant and everyone seems so helpful. It makes you feel really positive. |
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