READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1034 guests online and 4 members online
Shorts
Two Weeks
By kusosuke
21 June 2006
Dedicated to my girlfriend, who I won't get to see for two weeks.

  The room was dark and quiet, resembling one of the great caves of an exotic mountain. Reflections of the few, dim lights in the room provided enough dull illumination to show where it was safe to step and where it wasn't. Varous objects dotted the floor, in a reckless pattern. And then, chaos. A sharp buzzing sound pierced the aura of peace surrounding the room, which began to glow dark red. The dirty, light-brown haired creature inside threw off his coverings, and came out of his nest, slowly. He began to groan, then threw his arm towards the buzzer, obviously aggrivated at this new revelation.

  The buzzer fell to the floor, reading "7 AM". The creature flipped a switch, and the room was suddenly filled with light, revealing the scene. The walls were painted red, with a computer on the far side of the room. A bookcase, steadily leaning against a wall next to the bed served as both a repetoire for literature and a night stand. Clothes, video games, action figures, books, schoolwork, and now a blanket served as camouflage for the floor, making the tattered carpet virtually invisible. This was just as well, considering the gaudy appearance of the carpet, but it made the room seem unorganized none the less. The boy casually leaped from one safe spot in the carpet to the next, until he came to the wall, which held a calendar hanging by a sturdy, metal, pin. He crossed off the next box in the series, then checked what he had just confirmed. "April 3rd!!", he exclaimed, filled with anticipation. He quickly took a shower, threw on a set of clean clothes, grabbed his wallet, and quickly ran out the door.

  He began to walk down the street. He took a glance at his digital watch, which read "8:07 AM". He couldn't have taken an hour to get ready while he was inside! He was about to fix his watch, when he realized that daylight savings time had begun the day before. "I forgot to set the alarm clock!", he thought, frantically. He was sure to be late now, the time that he needed to be there by was 8:35 AM, and it took an hour to get across town on foot.
 
  He couldn't afford to be late. He grabbed a bike lying on his neighbor's front lawn, silently vowing to give it back once he was done using it. He began peddling as fast as he could, out of the neighborhood and onto the road nearby. He narrowly dodged a speeding car, and hopped his bike over the curb and onto the sidewalk. He was feeling a bit better now. If he continued at that rate, he'd be sure to make it on time! Then reality hit him, in the form of a small, white, lacrosse ball.

  The Port Town High School Pirrhanas were having a fierce game of lacrosse with the St. James High School Slugs in front of Port Town High School, in an open field surrounded by roads. John Anderson, the star player of the team hurled the ball out of his stick towards the net, as hard as he could. The goalie leaped out, attempting to catch the ball. The ball, instead of landing in either the goal or the goalie's lacrosse stick netting, hit the metal shaft of the pole, producing a large, metallic sound. The ball flew off, lodging itself into the intricate wheel of the bike. The boy, stunned, fell off of the bike and onto the sidewalk. He put the bike back up, trying to ride it, only to fall off again. The ball had made the front wheel immobile. The boy was doomed to tardiness. He began running from the bike, unaware that the coach of the team was running towards it to offer him both an apology and a ride home.  He ran as fast as he could, and the middle aged coach couldn't keep up, and simply gave up and went back to the game. The boy then saw a ray of hope.

 The cross-town bus was next to him on the road, and the bus stop was only a block away. It would lead him straight to his destination! He continued running, hoping to get to the bus stop before the bus. He was almost there. Disaster was sure to be following right behind him. He made it to the bus stop, gasping for air. He walked on and slipped in a bus tolken. The bus driver turned to the boy, and looked at him inquisitively. This was it. The young man was sure to throw the boy off of the bus for some dress code, or the tolken had turned out to be counterfeit, or he needed an adult to be present. The boy was certain that something was going to happen. The driver simply stated, "'ey mon, relax. Ain't no good rushin' through life like dat.", and gestured towards an empty seat on the bus. The boy was pleased, but too out of breath to speak. He collapsed onto a seat between a woman carrying a few grocery bags and a man in a sharp business suit, tapping away at a laptop. He fell into a light sleep, unintentionally. He woke up to screaming.

  A man in a ski mask, wearing a tattered leather jacket and old jeans had gotten onto the bus carrying a gun. The boy looked at his watch: 8:30. He looked out the windows, and just down the street was the building he needed to arrive at. The only thing standing between him and that building was the thief. The man in the business suit next to him pulled out a wallet, and began handing him a few $100 bills, asking to be let off of the bus. The criminal turned around to negotiate with him. Somewhere in the back of the bus, quietly, a woman called 911 and the local news team. The boy, too tired to really care about the situation, got out of his seat and crouched down while the fugitive was speaking with the businessman. The terrorist turned around, facing the bus again. By then, the boy had gotten behind him. Apathetically, he picked up his wallet, but held it like a gun. He told the large, desperate looking robber to either put down his gun, or be killed. he complied, dropping his .45 to the ground, and kneeling on his knees. He began to cry, begging for forgiveness from both god and the boy.

  The boy grabbed the pistol, and handed it to the bus driver. Three police cars surrounded the bus, and a SWAT van arrived. just as they began to infiltrate the bus, the boy stepped off. A local news crew surrounded him, interrogating him. "What's going on, what's your name, how come everyone else is still inside of the bus?", a female news reporter demanded. The boy stated, passionately, "I'm not going to see someone for two weeks. And noone, not even you, will keep me from saying goodbye." He began to stride confidently towards the girl's building, who he had just risked his life twice over to see.

Reviews
a difficult read .....
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 21st June 2006
........... but not due to any lack of interest or pace in the telling! 
 
You need to break it into paragraphs, though, because it's so easy to let the eye 'gloss over' long, unbroken passages and maybe miss a vital sentence or phrase. 
 
It's convention (at least on this side of The Pond, and I'm fairly sure the same applies "Over There") that every time you introduce dialogue you ought to begin a fresh paragraph. This alone would "break up" the solid block of text and make it easier to read. ;)  
 
8) Hope this is some helf: it wasn't intended to sound negative! :)
When I originally wrote it, it was broke
Written by kusosuke (2 comments posted) 21st June 2006
I wrote this in notepad, then, when i felt it was finished, i copy-pasted it to the site and submitted it. To my dismay, all of the paragraphs were taken out, and I couldn't even write the author's introduction to the story (in which I wanted to dedicate it to my girlfriend, who I won't see for two weeks). Because of that, it came out as this block of text. I broke it into a new paragraph originally at every plot twist, and i'm not sure why it didnt apply that on the site :sigh . Oh well. I'm still new at this, I'll get it eventually. 
 
Thanks for being nice and constructive, :)
Fixed it
Written by kusosuke (2 comments posted) 21st June 2006
For whatever reason, this site dislikes my laptop. Perhaps its because my laptop is a windows, and this is a Linux. Whatever the reason, it works now that I edited it with my Linux computer (thank god :grin ).
Nice read
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 21st June 2006
The power of love! Nice little story, plenty of jeopardy. I enjoyed it. 
 
Getting the formatting right on this site seems to be an art, and not a science. I usually rub my rabbits foot and cross my legs when i submit work! 
 
Look forward to more
Exciting...
Written by Star-Munky (33 comments posted) 22nd June 2006
oopss...
Written by Star-Munky (33 comments posted) 22nd June 2006
Have you ever hit Enter instead of Tab? thats what I just did! 
 
Anyway as I was going to say:  
 
I liked the action-packedness of this story and found myself reasing quicker and quicker as he got closer to his destination, then as he fell asleep I slowed down and relaxed. Good stuff.  
 
Did it really happen like that I wonder? ;)
Interesting read
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 23rd June 2006
Lots going on, your pace didn't let up for a second. And of course, one could feel the desperation of the boy, when even faced with a potential death situation, he still had to get to his girl...Very beautiful! 
 
Well done...keep up the writing. 
 
best wishes 
 
mishmish

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item