The thing that saddens me most, is not that my wife murdered me-NO.

Nor that my Agent is shagging my widow senseless-NO.

Or that my Biography is to be written by a geriatric drunkard-once again No.

So what's really upsetting me? Heaven was a bit of a shock. I expected Moses to meet me but no, a security entry computer key pad faced me.

First question: Language

Answer: English.

2nd  Question Religion:

Answer-Jewish

3rd Question-tick one of the following

Authodox
Ultra-Orthodox
Reformed
Liberal
Hassadic
other
Non-Observing

Answer : Don't rell my mother:Non-Observing.
 
A voice boomed out " Shymie you were a good man by your lights , so welcome to heaven. Follow the arrows ,they will take you to the Non-Observing Jewish Quarter."

"As this is heaven" continued the Computer " I am allowed to grant you one wish. Of course we can't give your life back."

SY thought long and hard, "make me heaven's best Ventriloquist."

The Computer took a little time to consider this and then replied, "Oh come on Shymie, he's only God, be reasonable."

****

That's what really upset me, I was a good Ventriloquist, so I said, "OK God, I don't like it here send me to Hell"

"We can't do that Shymie, the Devil's anti-semitic and won't have any of your lot down there, cos it upsets the "Militants. What we can do is allow your spirit to haunt an inanimate object"

"Right I want to haunt my Dummy"

"OK"

"Thus it is that I am back on earth. I shall be revenged."****

(None of those at seance were able to read the marked passages . Furthermore only persons of incredible artistic sensitivity will be able to read them. So it will be interesting to see who those persons are.)