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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > Shimon Yaakov on Earth.
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Comedy
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| Shimon Yaakov on Earth. | |
| By BrianRobertNeal | ||||||||||||||||||
| 22 June 2006 | ||||||||||||||||||
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This is for new readers an is the definitive SY Anthology. It contains 3 ultra-short stories SY on St.Davids Night SY on Burns Night And SY-The Inner man SY lived life at the edge which was to be his downfall. This is one of his many professional disasters. St. David's Night. Shimon Yaakov had received a late booking to do a St.Davids Night at the Herts Welsh Social Club in Hitchin. The audience were all in national costume which made SY and his dummy seem incongruous. The continual baa-ing of sheep was a litle off putting, still trooper that he was, SY started his act. "There were these two taffies.." He got no further, a man mountain dressed as a High Druid stood up and interjected, "I've not come out to my Patron Saint's Night to be subjected to racist jokes about the Welsh." SY continued, " Animal lovers they were ...", The Druid said "That's it, you were warned!" He strode menacingly towards SY. The Ventriloquist began to fear for his well being and started to stammer out an apology, "I,I,I'm most awfully sorry" The Druid looked at him with contempt,"You can shut up, I'm talking to the Little Idiot sat on your knee." ************************************ As SY's Biographor I've come to know his lovely widow, Miriam, very well. She told me all about the night that SY did "The Stevenage Tartan Heather Club". Shimie had come home all excited, "Miriam I'm doing a "Burns Night Supper". Look what I've got, a poofy shirt with ruffles, a skirt, a willie warmer and a tartan skull cap" Miriam had replied, " Its not a willie warmer. Its a sporran, its worn outside the skirt, its like a purse." SY had answered, "Thats a relief, now look at the dummy, I'm gonna call him Hymeish." The dummy was now dressed in Highland Gear. On the night, SY waited patiently in the wings until it was his turn. The MC refused to read SY's "intro" and merely said "And now for the Ventriloquist" SY bounded on and beamed at the audience. "I should like to thank you for inviting me to celebrate with you, the memory of the last great Judeo-Scots Poet, the world famous Rabbi Burnstein." "I should like to start with his famous epic-"When you wear your kilt". Take it away Hymeish" The dummy started to sing: - Ev'ry doggie 'll try to sniff tha bottie When you wear your kilt, Ev'ry doggie 'll try to lick tha bottie Cos that's how tha willled Look out for any doggie, E'en the small and grottie And keep tha eyes well peeled Else ev'ry doggie, 'll sniff tha bottie When you wear your kilt. Instead of clapping, the audience started to boo, some shouted "gae hame". Undeterred SY continued, " and now Hymeish will lead you with the famous rallying cry "Scots Oi Vay"". Some of the audience rushed the stage. To avoid a riot SY was quickly paid off and sneaked out of the club using the stage door. When he got home Miriam had asked , "How did it go" "Alright, I got paid, but I was a victim of Homophobic abuse." "How do you mean?" "Well Miriam some of the audience called me a "Gay Ham" *************************** I was told this by SY's agent, Ivor Ifor-Sheep in the strictest of confidence, so mum's the word. Shimie had come home from a hard day at the market. He was downhearted, for not only had he failed to sell everything at twice the price he'd paid for it, some things he'd had to knock down. What's more it was his Fortieth birthday and what had he achieved in life? However Miriam had grabbed hold of him, covered his eyes and walked him into the lounge. She shouted, "Surprise, surprise, happy birthday Shimie". To his amazement in the lounge was a brand new golf buggy and a top class set of clubs! "Oh Miriam you shouldn't. Where did you get the money from?" Miriam smiled coyly, "Well do you remember how shy we once were. So if you wanted to, you know, well you'd put twenty pence on the mantlepiece, then I'd pick it up? I have put every penny into a policy that matured on your fortieth birthday. And I've got some money left for a slap up meal at the E+A salt beef bar." Shimmie was overcome with emotion, "Miriam you are such a wonderful woman and I am such a foolish man." "A wonderful woman, I am, for sure. But why are you such a foolish man?" "If only I'd given you all my business." Footnote. Two days later he met his unfortunate end but at the time I didn’t think there was any connection. But Hell has no fury like a Beckie scorned.
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