All my insecurities, everything I fear, hate, love and want can be traced back to that day. It nearly ruined my life, and I nearly hated him for it, but as I remember the look on his face everything falls into place and I don’t hate him. I love him.

He never looked at me with that coldness you imagine when you hear these stories. He almost looked sorry. I could see how he was driven by it, living for a fix, almost doing as he’s told, by a drug. He had no choice, his eyes told me that, but there has never been a moment that I haven’t wished that he’d turned away. If only he did turn away, but he kept walking closer towards me, his face owned me. Suddenly I couldn’t move. I knew what he was going to do. I wanted to run, scream, cry, but I couldn’t do anything. I was completely rigid as he crawled on top of me and tore the clothing away from my flesh leaving me exposed and disgraced. I could suddenly let out a quiet cry as his body laid heavy into mine. All he told me was that I’d be alright, but I could feel only pain and utter disgust. I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes.

I kept my head down looking in every direction possible escaping his eyes, but he kissed my cheek the way he had done all my life whenever I was scared. It felt like his soul was reaching out to tell me this wasn’t his fault; something was forcing him to do this. In that moment I regained my strength and fought him away, sustaining more cuts and bruises than I had ever before. Everything I read on his face contradicted everything he did. He looked sorry like he was to let me go but instead he grabbed me. He held me with such force that this time I could fight back and I couldn’t cry for help, I was trapped in his grip. He loosened his grip but only slightly to tear away his clothes, enough for me to move, to free myself, but I couldn’t, I could not save myself I could only lay there as he did whatever he wanted.

What feels the worst is that he left me there when he finished, he didn’t he turn to look back at me. I wanted him to leave but the fear of being alone wanted him to stay. I knew Joe as two people, I wanted the old Joe to stay with me but the new one tore him away and left me naked and alone.