After ten hours and thirty minutes here we are.  This is it.  My life has changed.  I am alone well not quite, you're still here.  What do i do, what do i say to you.  You look at me like you expect me to know all the answers.

I stare around the room wishing someone would come in and tell me what to do how should I know I'm only twenty five I want to go to the pub and God do I need a tab.  This is not the done thing now, it's wrong to admit you need a cigarette in a place like this.  I feel like I'm in the Big Brother house being watched and judged all the time.

The door flies open and in she comes the large grey haired lady I have told to fuck off more than once in the past few hours

"Alright my love, how are we feeling? getting to know each are we?"

What should my answer be should I gush and cry about how wonderful it all is?  Should I say what I really feel? Instead I smile

"I'm so sorry I don't know what came over me"

She interrupts me

"Don't you worry my darlin heard worse, a lot worse" she answers with a conspirital wink.

Her never ending cheerfulness is driving me mad making me want that cigarette even more.

"Now you hand that bundle over to me and go and have a bath my love soon feel more like yourself"

I do as I'm told.  I gather my things together slowly and as I leave the room I turn to look back and hesitate.

"Don't you worry I'll look after your daughter for you, off you go"

There's that word, Daughter.  Who would have thought one word could strike such fear into your heart.  Of course I knew it would happen I've had seven months to come to terms with it but the reality is very different.

I lower myself slowly into the bath.  I'm shaking all over.  I'm trying to convince myself it's the after effects of the epidural nothing to do with the fact I am solely responsible for another human being.

My daughter does not yet have a name and neither does she have a father.  He just didn't want to know and so I decided I could do this alone.  I am a strong independant women what could be so hard about raising a tiny little baby.  God did I get it wrong she's not even thirty minutes old and i'm already panicking.

A soft tap on the door disturbs my reverie.

"Alright in there my love?"

Oh fuck Mrs Cheerful is back again

"Yes, yes i'm fine just be a sec"

"Okey dokey darlin"

All this my lovin and darlin's is doing my head in.  It's a lot easier to focus my attention on her than think about what is waiting me.  I slowly open the door and have a good look before shuffling towards my room.  Shuffling is all I can manage everything hurts so much.  I cautiously open the door to my room I don't want to wake the baby and I definately don't want to set off Mrs Cheerful again. 

Luckily there's no-one there.  I shuffle slowly towards the plastic cot in the corner that looks more like one of those storage boxes you stuff under your bed to keep all the rubbish in you havn't got round to throwing away.

She's sleeping. Someone, probably the bubbly midwife has washed and dressed her in pink.  A bottle stands beside her ready for me to just fit the pre-packeged teat to.  I know you're suposed to breast feed but the whole idea does not do anything for me. 

Oh my god.  She's looking at me.  She has the most amazing blue eyes, the most perfect button nose and her lips are gorgeus.  I can't resist I have to pick her up.

I cradle her gingerly and feel my way slowly backwards untill I'm perched on the bed.  I look at her, she looks like she was just made to fit in the crook of my arm.  She looks like she is meant to be there. It hit's me then like a bolt of lightening, Katie, that's meant to be her name nothing else will do.