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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > CHRISTAMAS DAY AT THE WORKHOUSE by The LAZY WRITERS FORUM
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Comedy
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| CHRISTAMAS DAY AT THE WORKHOUSE by The LAZY WRITERS FORUM | |
| By brook_rivers | ||||||||||
| 28 June 2006 | ||||||||||
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This was a group writing effort over on the lazy writers forum, contributors were: Gerard, nuttywithit.woody, brook, Bagheera, alastair79 . A bit of a crazy put together but makes an interesting read! we intwined a few stories to make one, all the original comments can be seen along with the story under'prose continuous writing' in the lazy writers forum. Will be starting a fresh story soon - the more the merrier!!! It was Christmas day in the Workhouse.... And the snow could be seen, falling thickly, through the crude iron bars guarding the windows. A young lad by the name of Gordon Ramsey pressed his pinched face against the glass and dreamed of steamed pudding and custard... The old bankrupt shyster, Michael Barrymore, long since ruined and forgotten, dreaming of his 700,000,000th comeback as the back end of a pantomine horse, turned from the window and sank into a deep, deep sleep;... whence suddenly, before him, the spirit of his old partner, Jacob 'Stuart' Lubbock appeared as though from the depths of a pool, pained and enchained and wailing...' BARRYMORE!! CEASE THYN UNATURAL ACTS!!... AND FORGOE THY SINS, FOR THIS NIGHT YE SHALL BE VISITED BY THREE SPIRITS..... Meanwhile little Gordy was having his own strange experience, he had seen an unfamilar figure walking up the dark path towards the workhouse. And lo the scrawny boy Ramsey was roused from his dreams by the evil Michelin man who said that should he utter such profanities that could be heard throughout the land, then much wealth and adoration would surely follow...For this, leered the Michelin man,was plainly written in the stars. Unfortunately for the little Gordy Ramsey the workhouse Chef Tony W. Thompson over heard all the Michelin man had said to the innocent boy. He quickly informed his wife Delia, who also worked in the kitchens, of this new intelligence. Now Delia was a scheming woman who had already proved herself to be wicked when she stole valuables from a new born infant, by the name of Ollie Twist. Knowing that Little gordy was an orphaned boy she proposed to her husband that they should keep a closer eye on him, in all respects practically adopt him so they could influence his heart & mind to gain a share of his foretold wealth. And so it came to be that Gordy Ramsey spent so much time in the kitchens.... ...where he soon came to the attention of the Beadle, one Harold Seacombe esq, who, being of giant girth, did enjoy his food most gluttonously. "The chef Thompson has taught you well boy," he said, noisily slurping up the last drops of his asparagus and oyster soup. "But now I must depart in some haste for I have been summoned to the room of that old trusty Barrymore on a matter of some delicacy..." 'Delia came through the door and dragged poor Gordy away, while little Ollie sat in the shadows of a corner and as his taste buds awakened a part of his mind, a halo appeared around his fair head and a righteous smile appeared upon his angelic face Barrymore felt his sinues tighten as the soft knock came upon his door.Discarding the one line he was trying hard to memorise for the orphans pantomime and annual antiques`fair,he minced across the room (beef for the sake of clarity)and placed his trembling fingers on the huge knob... He decided to be brave and swung the door open with gusto and a loud exclamation of “Awight at the back”. There, menacingly silhouetted, was Anthony Hopkins. Barrymore felt his liver painfully expand for a second. “Hello Michael”, Hopkins said, crystal blue eyes set firm and cold as if calculating cooking times. “I was wondering if you were wanting the lamb tonight”, Michael relaxed a little, feeling the floor begin to bounce, he looked down the Hall to see the definite shape of Seacombe striding towards him, a down turned mouth heralded something bad…. ..... in a high-pitched nasal whine, Harry spoke:  "Neddy Seagoon, you dirty rotten swine! You have deaded me again!!!!!!!!!!"  The trembling Barrymore put a consoling arm around the demented Seacombe. `You`ve been eating to many of little Gordy`s blackbird pies my lad.` `At least four and twenty Mr Barrytone sir,` replied the Beadle in his sing-song voice. `Is there no way I can be cured of this dastardly habit. `I have just the thing here under my ample cloak,` Barrymore ejaculated. Now, if you`ll just drape your coat and trousers over this team photograph of Norwich City FC..... Suddenly little gordy found himself all alone on this strange writing website. He munched on another blackbird whilst he pondered what had happened. Had the ideas police rounded everyone up? Where they even now languishing in some stinking hellhole, deprived of Big Brother..Ainsley Harriot...Eastenders...Ant and Dec.The thought was too horrible to contemplate.... ....and just when he was about to despair a fresh fully formed idea came upon him. Elsewhere delia, anthony hopkins, ainsley harriot and dirty den were having a lively tea party. Delia was certainly enjoying all the attention from here apparent male admirers. Meanwhile at TV cebtral there was a boffin in a little backroom office who'd heard from a friend of a friend of a friend, all the goings on down at the workhouse and what the inhabitants had been getting up to!! He rubbed his hands together in glee!! He would be famous when he got this lot into television! Rich and famous!! He sailed on cloud nine to the Exectutive Producers office. Meanwhile, in another office at another desk, little Ollie was putting across ideas of his own!! His halo shone brightly and the man the other side of the desk was captivated by his sweet, young innocence! Ollie smiled, 'Innocent my arse!!' he thought to himself! And so our story ends, as all the best stories do!! With famous rich people doing the things we would never dare to do, because we are the little Ollies of the world, and we admire them for their outrageous behaviours, and we commend them for their ability to admit them, and we pay them for this!!??
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