Today is a milestone.  We are leaving the house for the first time.  Katie is two weeks old now and the health visitor has stopped coming (I can stop cleaning now) and I have to go to the health clinic to check her weight.  It feels like a test, if I get it wrong does that mean I'm a crap mother?  What weight is she suposed to be?

It's amazing how long it takes to get ready with a small baby in tow, gone are the days of shower, dress and out the door and if I forgot anything it was tough.  I am slowly learning you can't do that with a baby, you NEED everything.

Nappies (better take six, seems to go in one end and out the other)
Baby Wipes (obviously)
Bottles (2 milk, 1 water)
Change of clothes (essentially this means 2 vests, 2 babygro's, 1 cardigan, 1 coat and socks)
Sudocream
Infacol (doesn't seem to do anything, but whiles there's a chance it'll work I will persevere)
Dummies (better take three, they just seem to drop on the floor all the time)
Baby health book (this seems to be a book of guilt.  The health visitor can write down everything I do wrong just incase I forget)

This is just for her, havn't even done my stuff yet (who needs to go to a gym, lift a baby bag).

We are now sorted and ready to leave.  Hope I havn't put too many blankets on her mind you it is February.

Its really difficult to get this bloody pram out the door I'm going to try backwards.  I'm sure prams are made by the same people that make supermarket trolleys.  I'm ok with this as long as I don't have to cross the road or go across a bump.

I feel really self-concious pushing this thing.  I'm constantly watching people making sure they are not going to get to close, they could be deranged women who want babies to steal or pedophiles ready to snatch her and ruin her life.  Think this is what is known as mummy paranoia.

It's taken ages to get anywhere old ladies keep stopping me wanting to put silver in her hand for good luck (god know's how that works). 

Now this is complicated, I have to park my pram, lift Katie out and carry her and the bag through two closed doors to the child health room (spot the new mum!!)

Made it and I havn't knocked her out.  It's like my worst nightmare in here lot's of mums sitting talking and doing two things at once HOW, I have to seriously concentrate to put her nappy on.

"Hello, how are you?"

God, it's my health visitor
 
"I'm fine thank you"

"If you just take a seat and get her undressed down to her nappy we'll sort her out for you ok?"

"um ok"

What is it about these people that turns me into such a wreck?  I used to deal with difficult people all the time at work in the solicitors and I would win but now I feel like a different person.

Why are they all so fast? They are just whipping those clothes off.  They don't seem to be frightened of hurting their babies.

"All ready are we? That's fine just hand her over.  This way"

I follow her across to a rickety old scale with a metal basket perched on it.  She just plops Katie into it.  It can't be stable.  My initial reaction is to hold on to her.

"You'll have to let go.  I can't get her proper weight with you gripping her"

"Oh right um...ok"

I can see them all giving each other conspiratol smiles.  I can tell what they're thinking.

"New mum, never mind she'll get the hang of it"

"6lb 8oz.  That's ok"

"Ok thank you"

"Well you can take her now don't want her getting cold"

"Right, yes, of course"

I feel like such an idiot.  I can feel the eyes boaring into the back of me as I try to get her dressed.

"Right then, any concerns?  I hear you had the doctor out"

"Yes, he said it was colic"

Is there nothing they don't tell each other?

"Well that's nothing to worry about just a bit distressing for baby"

Easy for her to say.  She's not the one who has to listen to the screams.

"Well if that's it I'll see you next week"

Next week, I have to come every week.  Her voice drops to a loud whisper.

"Don't worry you'll get the hang of it"

Was I really that bad? Now my paranoia is kicking in again.  She pats me reassuringly on the shoulder.

"Give me a ring if you need to chat I'm always here for my new mums especially when they are on their own"

God I hate her, now all the mums are looking at me in sympathy because I can't even keep hold of a man.  Well stuff them.  Me and Katie will do just fine as long as we have each other.  I'm going to be the best mum ever.

Oh shit, what have I done!!!!