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Extended Work
Chapter One: The Not So Perfect Life
By CorletteLoveheart
05 July 2006
hey everyone... just so you know this is my first ever story so please go easy on me as i'm terrible at spelling and punctuation... i hope it's good so review and tell me how i did. also i'm also open to critisizm and advice so any pointers or help or if you just want to insult me! i want to hear about it... Alos the girls name in the story is aofie but pronounced eefa
thanks!
Love Corlette

Sitting on the porch of her grandmothers cottage, was a young girl named Aofie. She was a small build but had amazing dark brown eyes, soft wavy hair that ended just under her tailbone and a lot of muscle for a teenager. Her legs were long like an athlete’s, and her arms were slender and smooth. Her skin was flawless and her face looked like it belonged to a porcelain doll.

Her clothes on the other hand did not compliment her body and were not her normally. She wore long baggy pants and a long sleaved black top that ended just under her waist. Her hair was in a neat braid and she had rings under her eyes that made her look like a vampire.

Around her neck hung a golden chain with a locket on it. Inside the locket there were two pictures, one of her mother and one of her father.

Aofie usually played with the chain but for the forth time that day she opened the locket and looked at the pictures and felt tears well up in her eyes. But she couldn’t cry. Not again…


Aofie’s Grandmother, watched as Aofie cried on the front porch. The poor girl had been through a rough time lately and thought it best not to move her out of her school so her grandmother took her instead of her godmother. Aofie’s Father had been in a terrible flying accident over the Pacific Ocean as a flying instructor and her Mother hearing the news, turned alcoholic and had to go into rehab. Aofie who had been copping all the abuse from her mother being drunk, still couldn’t help but feel scared and worried about what was going to happen. And also she missed them both. But then again who would be crazy enough not to miss their parents when something like this happened?


Aofie shivered in the cold as she had been sitting on the porch thinking for hours. She felt a little better after crying all day and not talking about it.

That was the thing with Aofie. She NEVER talked about her emotions.

She never liked to, it was never her thing. Not when she got raped and was filled with shock, not when her brother had committed suicide and definitely not when someone had broken into her home and stolen everything she owned and she wasn’t going to start now either. She hadn’t even told her best friend Mia about what had happened with her mother and father yet. In fact Aofie didn’t even think Mia knew where she was right now, but this was ok. She didn’t want to bother her as she was in Florida enjoying a vacation with her family. Her loving, perfect, normal, easy going, laid back, careful of their daughter family. Sometimes Aofie was jealous of Mia because she had the step out of a magazine life. Perfect house, perfect family, perfect job, perfect boyfriend. But Aofie didn’t feel like she belonged in Mia’s life. Because she definitely wasn’t the perfect friend.

Aofie was now freezing with cold, and went inside to put a jacket on and just sit with her grandmother. Her grandmother and her had a special and cool relationship. Even though she was about mid 70’s she loved her grandmother so much.

It was like they didn’t have to talk to get anything across to each other. Like her grandmother just understood and accepted everything about her granddaughter. And also even if she was nearly 80 she still had a wicked taste in fashion and knew all the best places to go to shop. As Aofie went to go sit with her grandmother for a usual sit down, the phone rang and her gut feeling was telling her that it wasn’t a good one…

Reviews
Right then!
Written by amy456 (25 comments posted) 5th July 2006
It's your first piece, so I am gonna give you a proper review!  
The things I liked: 
 
*the ending - great cliffhanger 
*the name - very exotic and beautiful 
*the touching relationship between grandmother and grandaughter 
*the language - a lot of people can't spell or write but your sentences are well constructed, very clear and easy to read 
*good description of the girl, including clothes - not many people pay such attention to detail 
 
Now, the things I think could be improved. This girl is going through a truckload of traumas! It sort of left me thinking, "Whatever". That sounds harsh, but I mean, death, alcohol, rape, suicide, moving house? All on a teenage girl! I think how you incorporated these into the story was good in way, but the story didn't make me cry. But maybe that wasn't your intention? My reaction was, "Oh, the poor girl, I hope things turn out all right for her". I didn't feel like I got inside her head or felt her emotions or anything. 
 
I'll be interested to read the next chapter and find out what the phone call's about!
Thanks!
Written by CorletteLoveheart (15 comments posted) 5th July 2006
Thankyou so much for reviewing and telling me how i did! :) and no i wasn't going for the intention for anyone to cry... pretty much just be like poor girl but i do have an idea of what is going to happen and... well... you'll see!! thankyou sooo much! i really needed that! 
 
Love Corlette! :)  
 
p.s Love your story on lorraine! it's brilliant!
Just my reaction
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 5th July 2006
As you've asked for comment I'll give you my reaction to it,feel free to ignore it. 
The title is a bit of an understatement, perhaps that was your intention 
I felt I was bombarded with information from the get-go and it didn't let up. And as amy said it is difficult to feel sympathy when we don't really know the character, you can't really care if you havent bonded with the character. There's an old adage "Show don't tell" in writing so perhaps you could have used some flashbacks -character is action- as they say. 
Your descritions are clear and vivid and sharply drawn with a good eye for detail. 
The relationship with the grandmother is a good way into character 
And you have a lively,engaging and readable style,free of literary pretention 
I'll look forward to seeing the rest of it 
cheers 
BBS

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