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Wish You Well
By jsyingling
05 July 2006
Quick metaphor for a relationship.  Working on style, repetition, and imagery.  The epitaph might not add anything, but I liked it.  Initially a sketch, then refined.  Any comments about style would be appreciated.  If the narrative is not clear, I'd love some help there too.  Thanks.

"What makes the desert beautiful," said the little prince, "is that it hides a well somewhere."
"The Little Prince" Antoine de Saint Exupery

It was love at first sight. After eighteen years of wandering through asphalt, deserts, and rock desolation, he found it. The well. Small and stony, insignificant enough to be easily forgettable, significant enough to be easily noticed. And he loved it at first sound. He dropped a stone in and found it to be shallow.  Unless one listened carefully, the thud as the stone came to rest at the bottom of the well was indiscernible. He liked this. The masking of the stone's sound as it reached the bottom gave the appearance the well was infinitely deep. And he loved it at first taste. The water from the well could simply be described as real. It excited him without him knowing why. It dominated his thoughts, his feelings. And he loved her at first touch. She touched him in the middle of one of his longer drinks from the well. The emotions that were pulled from the well he immediately transfered to this newcomer. He didn't know where she came from, or how she found him or the well, but he knew immediately that she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

All these feelings of life being real, of life being refreshing, he transfered to this girl. Thus, the boy called the shallow water in the well 'love'. And he sat with the girl and shared the love with her and she shared it with him. Boy and girl, sitting by a well, sharing love, in the middle of anywhere. Real. After eighteen years of wandering through asphalt, desert, and rock desolation, the boy was happy.

However, happiness cannot last alone on first sight, first sound, first taste, first touch. This disappointed the boy. He really wanted the shallow water they shared to be enough, but both the girl and the boy knew that the water level would need to be higher to sustain them. Together, they decided to mix experience with their love. Experience would be enough to raise the water level so they could be happy forever.

Together, the boy and girl went off to experience the asphalt, desert, and rock desolation. They saw things great and small. They saw things wondrous and beautiful, and horrifying and tragic. And every time they experienced something together, they scratched it into a rock and put the rock in the basket. Eventually their awe was all spent, and they returned to the well that held their small pool of love within. And together, they grabbed the basket and dumped all of their  rocks of experience into the well, so that they could raise the level of the water to where it could sustain their happiness forever.

The first few rocks raised the level of the water as hoped. Soon, the dust from the experience clouded the opening of the well, swirling clouds of the grittiness of life parading around the boy and girl. And inside the clouds danced the memories of the boy's and girl's experiences. The boy and girl were delighted to recollect on the grand things they had experienced. Delight turned to distress as the dust settled.

With the disappearance of the dust and memories, the boy and girl were horrified to find their water was gone. The level of rocks had risen above the level of water. The water still existed, but below the rocks. It could not be seen, heard, tasted, or touched. It was essentially gone. The boy and girl had so saturated their precious love with experience, that the experience soon outweighed the emotion.

The boy clawed at the rocks, tearing and clawing until his bloody hands fell limp through the cracks of the rocks into the water below. The girl, disgusted at the thought of blood reaching their love water, ran away. The boy tried to reach after her, but his hands were weighed down by tons of experience. As soon as the girl disappeared into the desolation, the rocks cracked and crumbled.  The water became mud, the mud became clay, the clay became the stuff of asphalt, desert, and rock desolation.  The boy stumbled away.

When they found him, he was sprawled face down, blistered and broken. Splattered to his side, written with of his hands, was scrawled a note.

Small and stony, insignificant enough to be easily
forgettable, significant enough to be easily noticed.

Love and loss, insignificant enough to never be
noticed, significant enough to never be forgotten.

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3445 comments posted) 7th July 2006
Firstly thank you for reminding me of the Little Prince, one of my favourite books when I was younger and a great quote from it. 
It certainly was a good metaphor for a relationship and though you handled it well I would have preferred it if you had personalised it more concentrating on the couple, making them cyphers.  
It started to read like a tract after a while. I had to read it twice before takling it in.There were some good ideas and thoughts in it. I know you refined it but pehaps it could be edited further in the cause of clarity 
A brave and original effort 
cheers 
BBS
Many-layered ........
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 7th July 2006
You take the age-old question of Innocence vs. Experience, and build upon it in you own unique manner. There's a fine line between "Metaphorical" and "Metaphysical" which is difficult to define. I felt that yhis story strayed across and back several times, and (possibly because of this?) it's not always easy to read. 
 
It was well worth the effort, though, and I shall certainly read it several times to get a fuller picture: this is simply my initial reaction. 
 
You might want to think about using a few passages of Dialogue, to 'break up' the solidity of descriptive prose? 
 
Looking forward to more from you!
Ying and Yang.
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 9th July 2006
As promised, a few words on your piece. But first, well done for the quick posting. I am sure it is the best way. This site is in my opinion notable for its breadth of diverse writing and there are a number of seriously good writers of consistent quality. OK, it is equally true that the majority are aspirants hovering between competence and indifference and there are the usual- mercifully small- juvenile offerings, about which the less said the better; but for the most part I think you will find that your work will be given the attention it deserves. 
 
Which is just as well as I think this piece, though rather short and not at all what I would normally opt to read, was a skillful try at what is a tantilising subject. And while I agree with Bagheera above that the juxtapositions make it sometimes difficult to follow in terms of continuity, I do spy something of a prose style in your presentation. By that I mean a mode of narration that makes what you write instantly recognisable. If I am correct and your descriptive narrative interdispersed with poetry or possibly other formats of expression is exactly that, you will have learnt what so many would- be writers never seem to grasp. Quite simply that by presenting yourself to the reader with a 'branded' style of writing you will at a stroke set yourself apart form the herd, most of whom seem to think any such distictiveness has to do with content/subject. For what it is worth it is in my experience, the first thing publishers look for. Any fool and the huckster's monkey can write about, say, the usual diet of spaceships and dragons or sexual peccadilloes; but when the author doing so is at once and irrespective manifest to the reader by dint of style, that publisher knows he/she has a marketable product. 
 
By all means follow the advice of Bagheera. Introduce dialogue,etc. But as he says you have the semblece of uniqueness in the way you write and I for one think that worth development above all else.  
 
Well done. Lets see something a tad longer next time. In the meantime my compliments to you. 
 
Slan!  

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