This actually happened, millions of years ago.
A man stands on a bleak and desolate beach.
It is late October in the north west of England and the wind is as bitter as the feelings that run through him.
‘It wasn’t supposed to be like this’ he muses weakly as he pulls on the last throes of a woodbine.
He is dressed in a long dark Mac, a trilby balanced precariously on his head, any moment to be claimed by the strong gusts that buffet him mercilessly.
He produces a bottle from his pocket and drinks deeply. Finishing the contents he drops the bottle to the ground and once more reaches into the deep pockets of his Mac to produce a worn photograph. In it the depiction of a girl and the representation of a broken memory, a memory of better times, times before the dark hand of fate brought him to this place and the unenviable task that now lay before him.
He finishes the last drag on his cigarette and then begins his long rehearsed speech, the elements his only audience;
‘Constance my dear’ he begins as his gaze travels far out to the cold horizon ‘Constance, we were always too alike, too akin in our ways to outwit the fates that lay…’
He is in mid sentence when an enormous Herring gull flying overhead drops a payload of putrid wet seagull shit right in his face.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 7th July 2006 |
I do worry about you,sweetie. Are you getting enough protein. Iv'e noticed a fatalistic streak in your writing.
It's amazing how nature conspires to screw up our best efforts. However lofty are intentions the herring gull of fate will always shit on our head. Twas ever thus.
Don't leave it so long next time
cheers
BBS |
Good luck?
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 7th July 2006 |
isn't it supposed to be good luck when a bird dumps on you...? it reminded me of a girl i used to go out with...
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Hi SQ
Written by cynicsid (177 comments posted) 8th July 2006 |
A name from the past unless like others on this site you have many incarnations.
"it reminded me of a girl i used to go out with...", Leo are you saying you went out with a Herring Gull? It must have been a Platonic Relationship, cos they've got very sharp bills and they mate mid-air!
Back to your piece, it started like a parody of a piece written in "Writers' Evening Class Plue Perfect" and then splat.
A good read,
Siddie
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Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 8th July 2006 |
Hi BBS and thanks.
Ive never had any protein to be honest, mother said that was only for the other kids. I got wood shavings and Tippex instead.
Its a bit morbid but i like the contrast of bleak despair juxtaposed by bird shit.
Leo, I too was curious which bit reminded you of a girl you used to go out with. Surely not the last sentence? I forget the name for that practice. Skat i think.
No alter-egos for me Brian, just plain old sasquatch.
Cheers |
They're Psychic
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 8th July 2006 |
...the gulls that it is!
They know the most inappropriate and inconvenient time (when is a convenient time to have a bird shit on you...sorry didn't think this one through...still sad about Dr who...don't ask)...anyway, gulls, they can read your mind..so beware.
Sorry, this reviews gone as pear-shaped as the bloke's long rehearsed speech...
Anyway, what I wanted to say was this was fabulous...
Well done, great stuff!
best wishes
mishmish |
Eyup mate
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 9th July 2006 |
Nice to see you back, doing what you do best. That being 'shock & awe'.
I thought this was gonna be Crippen related, but when he said 'Constance' and not Ethel Le Neve, I knew it wasn't. I'm clever like that.
Cheers mate, not your best but better than a lot on this site.
Givitsum |
Written by jsyingling (31 comments posted) 14th August 2006 |
I love work that sets up expectations and then spoils them in the cleverest of ways. I find moments in life and romance where I feel like a poet, like an actor, about to give some rehearsed speech. I wish I had a gull to take a dump on my head just then.
I like 'the elements his only audience".
Well done,
j. |
It's what we Seagulls do...
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 22nd August 2007 |
Shit on people!! According to my missus anyway!!
It does happen though; why only the other day I was walking accross the yard at work and felt a soft splat on my face between my nose and top lip. On investigation it turned out to be a bird deposit. Bastard thing!!
Sir C Gull. |
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