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Shorts
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| Granny Xmas | |
| By BrianRobertNeal | ||||||
| 08 July 2006 | ||||||
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Well we've had Fathers' Day so I thought I'd start the ball rolling. GRANNY XMAS Glen was well organised this year, he’d got all the presents, the food and the drink. The tree was up and decorated and the hall and lounge were suitably festive and it was only Xmas Eve! Then his eldest son phoned, “Dad we are at Mum’s. We’re still coming tomorrow but I thought that I’d tell you that we’re going back to Mum’s on Boxing Day.” Glen had lashed out at his son, “Don’t put yourself out too much will you! Don’t bother to come at all” Glen slammed the phone down; he then called his youngest but got no answer. He tried his son’s mobile. A woman’s voice answered. It was his soon to be ex-wife. There was a silence and then he heard his youngest son’s voice. Glen shouted “Ask your brother, but don’t you bother to come either!” There was a ring at the door; it was the black bloke from across the road. “Glen, on Xmas day, could you come over with the presents about, well no later than ten.” “What time you up then” asked Glen. Bernard replied, “if my mother in law has her way 6am, she’s worse than the kids” “That’s all right" said Glen; "I’ll be round at 8am. Here, I found this big sack so I’ve put all the presents in it. You’ll want the room kept dark with just a little light on and keep the curtains closed, or the kids will recognise me. I’ve got all the gear, you know, beard, red hooded dressing gown and I’ll wear wellies.” A commotion was heard in the street. The men ran out through the frontdoor and crossed the road. The neighbour’s wife, her mother and the 3 children were outside their house. Bernard and Glen went in and could see that a chip pan in the kitchen was ablaze. Glen went into the downstairs toilet, soaked a towel then ran into the kitchen and laid the towel over the pan. He filled a mug with water and kept the towel wet. He gently slid the pan across to a cold part of the cooker’s hob. He shut the kitchen door and when he was certain that the fire was out, he opened the back door. The fire brigade arrived and came in. Glen told them that the fire was out. A fireman carefully took the pan and put it in the garden. Then the firemen were gone. The wife was in tears, the older woman just stood silent and motionless. Bernard was on the point of tears. Glen said “come on granny, come on kiddies, come over to my place. I’ll make us some drinks.” They left the husband and wife to find out how much damage had been suffered. The 3 children and Granny started giggling, Glen looked in the mirror and shouted, “Oh no it’s catching-I’m turning black.” The smoke had been sooty and Glens face and hands had black smears and marks on them. The eldest girl, a sensible little thing told him,"Stop being silly Uncle Glen" and went and got a flannel from the downstairs toilet. The youngest boy shouted, “Give him a scrubbing Granny.” Granny snatched the flannel and rubbed gently. “Glen you should have a shower and change your clothes, you smell just like a kipper.” The middle boy said “Uncle Glen you look just like a kipper” When Glen looked again in the mirror he saw that he had suffered some minor burns to his face. “Bloody fool” he thought; “ I should have shielded it with the towel.” Granny put the kettle on, and then asked Glen, "Is it all right to give the kids some fizzy." “Please Uncle Glen” the three shouted. Glen pretended to think the question over and said “O.k. just this once.” Glen had names for them: the youngest boy was Smiley; the middle boy was Cheeky, and the girl, who was the eldest of the three, was Polly Lite-because she was very polite. Bernard came back from his house and when he rang the bell Polly went and let him in. He said, “Glen you won’t believe this but "Charlie Boy", his missus, and several others have come over and they’ve been so nice. They’re all cleaning up the kitchen. The “old girl” brought us tea with whisky in it. She said, "I always put a spoonful of whisky in tea ,first thing in the morning and last thing at night, for medicinal reasons, the doctor advised it.” Hy just broke down and cried; she said “you’re so kind.”, I told them that I would go and see how the kids were.” Bernard said quietly to Glen “The place stinks, everywhere you can smell smoke and there is soot on the walls.” Polly gave her dad a big hug and the little boys mobbed him. Polly said “Come on dad lets go home,” and the 3 dragged their father back across the road. That left Glen and Granny sat in the kitchen. In her day she would have been ravishing, tall and slender and graceful in her movement. She’d only had the one child, had never married and had brought up her daughter completely on her own. She was just turned 50. Glen had been quite surprised when he had found out that the house was hers and paid for. Rose, for that was her name, broke the silence. “I’m not sorry that your wife has gone, we all knew what was going on, but none of us would say anything. Still your boys have been loyal”.Glen told her what had happened. Polly rang the bell and shouted through the letterbox, “Granny has got to come home now; Mummy said so.” Off Granny went, leaving Glen on his own. He thought, “That’s great I’ve 2 coffees, and 3 colas.” They all went down the sink. It seemed to sum his life up. What was worse his face and hands were beginning to sting. Rose came back and let herself in with the key that she held, she sat Glen down and rubbed some sort of cream into his face and hands. “Glen I’ve ruined everything. I was doing Granny’s Xmas Chips and they boiled over and I panicked. The house stinks and you’re hurt.” Glen told Rose “Go and tell them to come over here; I’ve enough food for us all but you and Hyacinth have to do all the cooking.” About an hour later they all came over. Bernard laughingly said, “it is not as bad as I feared Glen, the booze is still all right." He placed a large cardboard box on the kitchen table, the box was full of every sort of drink you could imagine. "I’ve taken a bit of a liberty ,I’ve ordered curry for us all it will be delivered at about half past 6. I’m paying.” Glen suggested the children went into the lounge and watched the Telly. Polly turned and blew Glen a kiss, “Thanks Uncle Glen it’s our favourite that’s on now." Bernard full of fatherly pride asked “Isn't Polly’s a little sweetie.?" Rose got humpy ,“That’s not her name.” “Mum” said Hy, “She hates her name. The kids used to be nasty about it but now she’s Polly she has no problems. Hyacinth is bad enough but Blossom, I ask you? But you are so pushy; you always get your way.” Glen hoped the Front Door Bell would save them. Then he had a thought, “Bernard what address did you give the Curry House?” “Bugger” shouted Bernard “I gave our address.” So Bernard phoned up and fortunately for all concerned the person who’d taken the order had forgotten to tell anybody. Rose suggested “Shall I do egg and chips all round?” “Yes” said Glen, “I’ve got a primus stove so you can do it in the garden, but don’t get too near any of the fences or the house.” “I’ll never live this down” sighed Rose. Thirty minutes later the curries were delivered and they all sat in the kitchen round the high table that Glen hated, as you had to sit on high backless stools. However the kids loved it. Cheeky whispered to Smiley “Granny’s bum is too big for the stool.” Polly heard, and burst into a fit of giggles. Bernard looked to where the children were looking and he burst out laughing. He gestured to Hy and she burst out laughing. Only Glen and Rose were in the dark, Bernard tried to explain; "Mum, Cheeky had pulled a funny face. " Cheeky said “ yes I did Gran”. “No you didn’t” said Smiley, " you said that “Nanny’s bum was too big for the stool.”". “Lets stop right there” said Glen. “We’re going into the dining room; I hate these bloody stools.” So they moved out of the kitchen. Bernard asked Gen, “Would you like me to cut the table down, and the stools, I could also put backs on them. It will be our way of saying thank you for saving our Xmas. I’ll put levelling feet on all the legs cos your kitchen floor is not very level.” After tea the two women did the washing up whilst the two men and the kids went and watched Telly. Mother and Daughter went to the kitchen, washed up and chatted. Hy I am getting huge,” moaned Rose. “Mum” said Hy, “That is the first time that you’ve not called me Hyacinth. You’ve always been a big woman, a big-hearted woman, larger than life. I’ve seen you go without so I could go on a school trip or have a Game Boy. The kids adore you for you're a fantastic granny.” She continued, “ Bernard has given up trying to find his parents. When you said to him, that you would have liked to have had a son and that the Lord had in Bernard answered your prayers, Bernard said to me and the Lord has given me a mum.” Both women blubbed a bit and then cuddled. Hi suddenly shouted , "Look at the time. Tthe children should be in bed." She shouted out “Come on Kiddies: bed time” ".So everybody went upstairs except Glen. After a short while Bernard called down, “Glen you’ve got to come up and say goodnight to the kids.” “I’ll be up" replied Glen, he poured a sherry into a glass, put 2 mince pies on a plate and put the lot on a tray. He went upstairs.There was a chair on the upstairs landing and Glen put the tray on the chair. “Good night kiddies,” “Good night uncle Glen” they shouted. The adults went downstairs and into the lounge and had a drink or two. At twelve they wished each other a Merry Xmas. Glen put on his Father Xmas outfit, crept up stairs, drank the sherry and ate the pies: leaving crumbs and the empty tins. He went into the Children’s bedroom and put 3 stockings on the floor and then came out of the room. The other adults had joined him. They heard little whispers, Cheeky said “Well I’m looking in my stocking,” “ yeah so am I” said smiley, Polly confided, "I’ve already got mine.” The adults went back downstairs. So it was that on Xmas Eve, Glen had a houseful after all. Bernard and Hy had Glen’s bedroom. The children had the box room, it was kitted out with Bunk beds. Glen had stored them in the loft and had resurrected them when the grandchildren came along. The room could sleep four. Rose had the 3rd bedroom and Glen the 2nd bedroom. At about one o’clock the adults went to bed. Glen put his Father Xmas outfit in the airing cupboard. Then he remembered how the day had started ;how he wouldn’t see his sons or his grandchildren. He washed, cleaned his teeth and went to bed. As he was drifting off to sleep, he saw his door quietly open and a hooded figure enter and quickly close the door. A familiar voice said “Shush it’s Granny Xmas and she is going to give you the very best present that you could ever find in Xmas Stockings”. She threw off the gown and got into bed. “What I’m giving you Glen is what you give everybody else and that is love. You are going to get plenty this Xmas.”
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