This was a writing execise so please be brutal in your criticisms. I really had no idea where this story was going when I started it. I hope you like the finish. Thank you guys for your support in my previous writing.
He knew it was time to go. In fact he had known that long ago but was too hardheaded to quit. Now one of the kids had been hurt. While packing the kids clothes he thought back to the day they were married. That had been a happy day and there had been a few since but they were few and far between. Slowly she had gotten worse and more violent. Many arguments had gone on in the room he now stood. Well no more.
He wondered if he should feel something as he slowly backed the car down the drive. All the feelings had been spilled in the last fight. All the hate and the love had come out in their words. No tears left, they had already fallen. The girls were already asleep in the back seat by the time they got on the interstate. They were in for a long ride.
Memories flew by like the miles they traveled. The first time he had seen her in school was the strongest. He had felt like the lucky one then, now he was not so sure. There was never even a hint of the monster within. In fact he had not seen any sign until after they were married. That was when it had come unleashed, after he had gotten off work and come home. She was in a rage about something and turned on him. He still had the scar from the broken glass she has stabbed him with. But she had never touched the girls until that last time.
Just five hours earlier he had been pulling up to the house wondering what to fix for supper. Then the door flew open and out came both the girls screaming and crying. The oldest had a black eye and that was enough for him. He told the girls to stay in the car and to lock the doors. Then he went to the trunk of the car to get out some of his tools. And then he walked into the house. She was still screaming at the girls when he walked into the kitchen. As soon as she saw him she started hurling insults at him. They argued but it was soon over. That’s when he packed and left.
His memories seemed to spin faster and faster. Rain started falling and he turned the wipers on. That’s when the flashing lights caught up with him. He was ordered out of the car and handcuffed all the while his girls looked through the back window and cried.
You see ladies and gentlemen of the jury that is why he took the hammer into the house. Not out of anger but to protect his children. He has never denied killing his wife. He did it to protect his children.
|
Written by Shanehneh (9 comments posted) 10th July 2006 |
I liked it alot! You write sooooo much dark stuff. Can you please write some comedy bro?  |
Written by jsyingling (31 comments posted) 10th July 2006 |
Good work. Especially the ending. I appreciated the mild twist in this. It changed the feelings toward the characters a bit, but the coolest thing is that it changed the medium: changed it from a story into a closing statement. Now that I look again, since it is in a different font, I do not know if that is what you intended. Either way, I appreciated the effort.
Now the brutality you requested: The strength of this piece is what is left out. The vagueness that is slowly filled in with details. Work with that. This kind of vague details (Then he went to the trunk of the car to get out some of his tools. And then he walked into the house.) starts to go somehwere but never gets there. I would recommend trying to continue to simply. It sounds like the style is trying to be terse, but falls short because it is wordy. The above quote could be: He left the house, got his tools, and returned to his two bruised daughters and her. Work on getting the details you have carefulyl selected out in a faster manner.
Really nice effort, the subject matter is there, just work on revising. Think about exactly what you want every sentence to say, what needs to be repeated, what the reader needs to stumble through. With that in mind, you will have some really nice pieces.
Then again, what do I know? |
Thanks.
Written by tat_2man (56 comments posted) 10th July 2006 |
Thanks for both of your comments. jsyingling thats what I was looking for. It is pretty weak there where you quoted it. My family is alittle too supportive and not critical enough. I guess I can not complain about that.  |
I like it
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 10th July 2006 |
i don't have the critical brainpower to do the proper analysis stuff.... but i think jsyingling has made some valuable points, that make good sense...
but me, i just like the dark tone, the way it ran. First the female as the offender, then the twist in the end. I think you're a good story teller, so keep producing work
Cheers
|
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 11th July 2006 |
Hi,As you ask for reaction I'll give one. I don't really do brutality but I'll try. You say you didn't know where it was going but it was inevitable. It was obvious by the third sentence. Not that it is a problem, if we know the "what" we then need to know the "why". We know what has happened but want to know why and that is the weak point. I didn't really buy into that. Why didn't he just take teh kids and run (he did that anyway) Killing someone is a really big dealmore about why he chose that terrible action in favour of others. The ending should have really packed a punch but without credible motivation it lacked emotion pull. Easily fixed with a bit of a re-write. one of your fellow countrymen Hemingway always said "The first draft of anything is crap"
(i've got the quote pinned above my computer)
cheers
BBS
|
missing bit
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 11th July 2006 |
the gremlins took bite out of the about Imeant to say
....big deal and we need to know more.....
sorry about that me and technology, bad mix |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
