CYBER DRINKS ALL ROUND!!!!!

I have just been e-mailed by a "very, very nice man" who informs me that 'the play wot I wrote' has been accepted and WILL be performed at this year's Edinburgh Festival - professionally directed and with pro actors!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!
For the rest of us who won't be able to get there (including me!) ENJOY!!!

                                         Peer ‘n' Edd

 
Peer & Ed, suitably masked & garbed, sit on plinths (representing tops of their respective towers) imitating their (real-life) positions as Liver Birds [towards rear of stage, L & R].
They face/half-face the audience. Minimal movement during the play.

Edd’s accent is less strong, more “cultured” but still recognisably Liverpool
 

Peer            (looks round auditorium)  Know what?

Edd             Norruntil yiz tell me!

Peer            Yeah, orright, I was gettin' t' that! (looks again)
                    You don't half see some idjits from up ‘ere!

Edd             Ah come on, Peer: most of ‘em are OK, they can't - y'know -
                                      help it - bein' Yoo-man, an' that! (discreet flap, preening)

Peer            No, that's not what I meant, Edd! Jus' look at that one, for starters 
                   (cranes neck as if  towards general far corner)
                  Now there's one who'sreally got Legs all the way up to her ...

Edd             ... Armpits, yeah, very original an' I don't think! But how d'you know
                  that from up 'ere? S'pose you're gonna tell me you've got ...

Peer            ... a good imagination. Okay, we've both been here long enough now
                  to have each other's jokes off pat: just once it'd be nice to make a
                  wisecrack without you interruptin' me!
 
Edd            Not gonna happen, Our Kid! You've got about as much imagination as
                 that ... wossisname, All Soppy - bloke who wanted to purra Cloud over
                 there in the corner
                     (points with wing)

Peer           Yeah:  thank God that got kicked in touch!
                   (pause) 
                  Tell yer what, though: if they was gonna put somethin' else there 
                  instead, why don't they get them Dozen Brothers (or whatever their
                  name is) to build an extension on the Cains Brewery: there’s plenty o’
                  room, an' that’d be a damn sight more useful!

Edd            Ey up!

Peer           What now? Come on. I can't see proper over that side!

Edd            Yer wo'!?? ‘S big enough! Dirty great big ship ...

Peer            ... Comin' up the Alley-oh, I s'ppose! Darrel be the Queen Mary, divvy:
                 don'cher keep up wit' the news?

Edd            Thought that was flogged to the Yanks as a cheap B&B?

Peer           Nah, that was the firs' one: this is the new one, see? 
                  (beat)
                 Jeez, there ’assen been that much noise since they launched the
                 Titanic ............. !
 
                   [SFX. Explosions, rapid fire, whistles, etc]

               Bloody  'ell, what's goin' on? Is it the Germans, bombin’ our chippy
               again?

Edd           Nah, it's just fireworks, a welcome display, y'know?

Peer          'S orrite, then: only I 'member when St. Lukes got 'it that night, the 
                 shockwave left me deaf in one eyeball fer at least a week!

                   [short pause] Know what, Edd?

Edd          Go 'ead, then

Peer            [suspiciously] You takin' the piss?

Edd           What? ... Oh, no I said "Go 'ead"  - not  "Go, Edd", dipstick!

Peer          Watch 'oo you're callin' dipstick ...
 
Edd             ... or you'll what? You're as stuck on that tower as I am on this,
                 ain't nothin' you nor me c'n do 'bout it neither!

Peer            [resigned sigh] Yeah, orright, well anyway...
                Edd, you ever thought .... there 'as to be Liver Chicks somewhere -
                don't there?

Edd         What, y'mean ... hens? floosies? tarts?

Peer         Skirts - birra stuff - yeah, fwuarrrr!!

Edd          Summat t'get yer leg over ...

Peer         Lilo Lil!

Edd          Nah (soberly, no more suggestive noises) -
                 why should there be? (sly, significant look)

                 You're not thinking of asking the old question...

Peer       ..'bout the chicken and the egg? Nah - anyway, we both know the answer 
              to that already, don't we?
               (pause)
               'Course it was the chicken ...

Edd         Sez you! Last time we 'ad this out, I never agreed that ... and some
               scientist geezer said las’ week he could prove it wuz an egg ......... !

Peer        Anyway, don't change the subject ...

Edd          (sulky tone) Never did.

Peer        Nah, y'jus' gorra cob on ... y' avven gone gay on me, 'ave yer? 
            'Cause I don' think I'm ready ferra gay Liver Bird ...

Edd        Now ‘oo's takin' the piss, then?
             Come 'ead, ask yer bloody question an' 'ave done, willyer?

Peer      Orright, then. S'pose there is ... Liver Hens - tarts - floo...

Edd       Yeah, whatever y' want t' call them: let's s'pose there are: so?

Peer     So: 'ow the f*** do we get the chance t'pull, stuck up 'ere all
           day like this? I mean, it's Sat'dee t'night, innit? An' yer know 'ow they'll all
           be at it like rabbits later on: I'm startin' t'get all horny already, jus' wi'
           thinkin' about it!

Edd     What would you know? Yer just a birra metal, same's me ...

Peer    Hand made, Edd: hand made! Bloke who made me knew all about hand
          jobs:  believe it, player!
 
Edd     F’k’n posin again, y' flash git!
           Y' wooden know what t'do with it, I bet, even if y' had one!
                  (crude, suggestive body mvmts)

Peer    Says you - an' you know naff all!
              (Stiffens, stares offstage)

        Now on the other hand, I bet she knows a lot! Lookit that, willyiz?
                (Wolfwhistles, agitated movements)
        Jesusmaryanjoseph, man, she's a stunner!

Edd     Peer, she's got legs an' tits, but no feathers: she's not your type!

Peer   Never said she was "my" type, Edd: but y'know what type I really, really
         think she ... might be?

Edd    You mean .... are you thinking of ... the "vee" word?

Peer   (nodding, excited)   Certainly am, Edd!
               (flexes muscles)

Edd    Does that mean - we get to ... do our dance?

Peer   Oh yeah, I truly b'lieve it does!

             Both Liver Birds flex muscles, preen feathers, show signs of agitation. 
            For the first time, they lift one foot at a time from their perches, flex claws,
            begin taking small hops, slowly flexing wings as in preparation for flight.

Edd         'Cause you know what they say:

Together:             If ever they spot a Virgin walk by
                      The Liver Birds'll gerrup an' fly

                           Closing Song [Duet]

Peer & Edd pick up Everton & Liverpool scarves (concealed until now)
and perform music-hall style "soft shoe shuffle" as they sing

Both         On a Saturday night, if you're feelin' all right
               Take a stroll where the Royal Blue Mersey flows
               All the talent is there, some astonishin' birds
               Are just waitin' to go datin' - yeah, they're ready to go
               So if you take a stroll past the ol' Pier Head
               You want some satisfaction? - each girl's a Main Attraction!
               Is she a Red or a Blue? Is it important to you?
               Just sway the night away and then say - Breakfast for Two! 
               Me an' my mate's here early and late, nothing escapes our view
               From the top o' the towers, this city is ours, we know all about you
               So you can keep your Fog on the Tyne
               And let your London Bridges burn
               Cause here on the Royal Blue Mersey's banks
               Is where my heart will always yearn

                               rall.            (I'm going to   .... )

                   Stroll .......... where the Mersey rolls
                   Direct my feet to Back Buchanan Street
                   Ain’t no place in the world can compare with our girls
                   With their sunbed tans and their peroxide curls
                                          [molto rall]  

                      Oh, I wish I was back in Liverpool ........
                      Liverpool town where I was born .........

Exeunt with exaggerated “vaudeville-style” high kicks routine, singing:

                  BECAUSE IT’S LIVERPOOL TOWN FOR ME!!!!!!

                                                  Curtain
                                                   FINIS