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| Poll Doll-The In-Laws | |
| By BrianRobertNeal | ||||||||||||
| 14 July 2006 | ||||||||||||
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This was previously called "An orderly succession". In it you get to meet King Thomas and Cuttle-Fish (The middle son.) MEET THE FAMILY KING THOMAS THE TANK Had my brother drunk a lot less or not much more, I would not have been faced with the daunting prospect of being the next King. Had he drunk less, he might have remembered that his very discrete driver would have taken him and his new found amour to wherever he wanted, no questions asked. Had he drunk more, he would have been in no position to take advantage of the charms that he was being offered. In either case, he would not have taken him, her and the car into a local river: a detour that wrote off the car and its two occupants. The media had a field day, their sense of outrage hit new heights. Not one member of my family escaped their attention. “The writing was on the wall” they said. “The sands of time are running out for this despicable dynasty”, was another rallying cry. And finally “Oh no the next Monarch will be King Thomas the Tank. You see I’m a very boring sort of person, I keep my head down and my only pleasures are the family and my model trains. I am of a portly build and so all the press could do, was to ridicule me by calling me “Prince Thomas the Tank” or “The Royal Fat Controller”” Then Granny, bless her, took them on at a much unexpected venue. She had been visiting a newly opened centre for the elderly. She spoke informally to every person present and when she gave her opening speech, she had them in fits of laughter. She said, “I’ve met nine replacement hips, twelve varicose vein removals and sixteen conditions that fell into a range of other categories. I unfortunately fall into all of them and wonder how much if anything of me is actually original”. She continued now on a more serious matter. “I too am disgraced by my Grandsons disgusting behaviour and my heart goes out to the girl’s family. But I cannot forgive the Press for them hounding my poor son. His health is very poor and he is distraught at the loss of his eldest and favourite child. You will push him into an early grave and I’m sure you will not be satisfied until you have achieved your aim.” She then collapsed and died on the spot. You see my brother had been her favourite: because he was her reborn as a man. The media adopted a volte-face, criticising those who had driven an elderly grieving grandmother into an untimely death. They conveniently ignored the fact that she was 95 and had suffered at least her 5th stroke in 3 years. Father was at a complete loss for his two confidantes were now gone. He had nobody to talk to that he trusted. He considered me to be a complete halfwit. “For goodness sake”, he would say, “A grown man playing with trains. Thank God you’re not the eldest.” And now to his dismay, I was. I’d had no preparation for the job and was praying that father would live for ever. But he didn’t, three months after the joint state funeral he fell into a coma out of which he never recovered: though he did “live” for a further four years. So I became the Prince Regent. Comparisons were drawn between me and the last Prince Regent. You will not be surprised that their attention was drawn to which of us was the fattest. When Father died, I insisted upon a quiet family funeral: partly because I felt that the day of the big pomp and splendour funeral was long gone and partly because the event would have drawn the terrorists of the world to the Capital. The Coronation was similarly a muted affair. I had the sycophants in my press office project this homely Joe; man of the people image. Finally, a little later, I suggested to the Thomas People, that they write a story where the King pays a Royal Visit to Thomas’s Railway. I was invited to the launch, which was held at a Railway Preservation site. I wore fake ermine robes and a replica of the crown. I even got to drive an engine. I believe that King Thomas the First has become part of the genre’s stock characters. A million pounds was given by the Publishers to my favourite charity. I think that I saved the monarchy. I don’t think my eldest son was too impressed. THE (THEN) CROWN PRINCE Being the Crown Prince is the best “pussy magnet” in the world. From the age of fourteen I have known the fairer sex in the Biblical sense. Sixteen years of carnal knowledge and where has it got me. I’ve been cautious so unlike my antecedents there are no unrecognised offspring. The press nickname me “Shagger", but they are no match for me. When my first real scandal arose, I think that it was an alleged three or four in a bed romp. I asked the press, “Did my two or was it three partners, think I was any good ,because if so I admit it all.” However I had added that, “On the dates named in the original article, I was actually visiting the Bahamas and was in bed with one of the hotel chambermaids.” This story set off a chain of events and at least three women swore blind that they were that chambermaid. The Royal Press Office finally gave out a release that showed quite clearly, that for the three months around the dates the press had named, I had been at sea with the RN and not within five hundred miles of either the Bermudas or the two to three rompers. I was not so clever with drink but about fourteen years ago when I was seventeen my Uncle went and killed himself and his unfortunate concubine. My granny said to me, “Control your drinking and don’t become an Alcoholic. Then you can spend a life time enjoying the stuff”. Granny and I were close and only she knew my little secrets. Since her death, I’ve become very close to my two brothers and I now share my secrets with them. As for father, he is President of many Railway Associations and Societies and he is always making surprise appearances at Thomas do’s .The Public love him but he cant see it. He believes that the Monarchy will die with him, as the public will never take to me. But I’ll show them and him. Poor father is in for a shock. He is going to see a side of me he could not begin to imagine. THE MIDDLE SON Uncle’s death had no real impact on me. I was twelve at the time. I’m sorry to say that Grandma was no great loss. She had no time for me and used to call me goody two shoes. Grandad was always very kind and I used to go in and talk to him, as he lay there in a coma. I was with him when he died. As I’ve suggested I’m the drab one, but I get my fair share of women and unlike my big brother, I don’t have to have any" potential wife to be" ; that has to be vetted by the Politicians and Courtiers. Now if any one should have been caught with a hotel chambermaid or several rompers it should have been me. But I don’t take liberties and I make my women feel special, which they are. Consequently they are very loyal. Furthermore there’s never been more than one at a time either. Father can’t face the real world so he hides in his trains, and his Thomas days. The three of us seem to carry out the significant Royal Visits and Occasions though we are spared Politicians. The Crown Prince thinks he is such a rebel but I and baby brother were the ones that refused to go into the services. I took a degree in Engineering at London, bugger Oxbridge, big brother took a classics tripos but baby boy got a 1st in Economics at the LSE. Baby applied under a false name and when he went for an interview he spoke like a cockney. He’d dyed his hair and wore glasses. He even claimed that he only had two “A” levels and they were at pass grade. I believe father used his influence and he got in despite his royal background and five distinctions at "A "level. BABY BOY If nobody got to notice number two son, certainly no-one knew anything about the runt of the litter. I never knew Mother as she died having me. She’s a blur to my brothers and father never talks about her. I apparently am very much like her to look at and this perhaps explains the family’s coldness towards me, but it was not my fault was it? She was surrounded by surgeons not one of whom thought of testing the cardiac arrest machine. I don’t want to think about it. I had a real laugh at the LSE, initially people were very hostile but I won them over. I am now employed by a firm that works for the Crown Estate and am thought to be very aware of the markets and shrewd. Unlike my two brothers, I wish father would spend all his time playing trains. His latest thing is ethical companies. I’ve set up a company which bought up all of the Estates unethical shares. The money was loaned to it by the estate and the company pays the estate interest on the loan. I’ve used the interest as it came in to buy “Penny Ethical” shares. It keeps father happy. Finally I am well known in the city and the Crown Prince is not the only one who’s going to give father a shock.
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