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Comedy
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| The Midsomer and Farwinter mystery | |
| By BrianRobertNeal | ||||||||||||||||
| 18 July 2006 | ||||||||||||||||
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I've decided to write part 2 so as it would otherwise be unintelligible, I've reposted this here. For newcomers , Theo Houndsleuth is a compote of Holmes, poirot and the Keystone Cops.He is a retired Police man who rose to the heady heights of PC. His chronicler-Anthony De'ath (AKA Tone Death") is a failed AM-Dram. Previous Theo tales are on the crime thread. The Bishop of Farwinter and Midsomer paid a surprise visit to our lodgings. I just happened to be in with Theo, when Mrs Bay-Company showed the Bishop up to Theo's capacious box room. The Bishop looked flustered, “Good morning gentlemen, I am the Bishop of Midsummmer. and Farwinter. Houndsleuth, you and Mr De’Ath must come immediately to my Diocese. The Devil is abroad!” “Well Bish”, answered Theo, “Perhaps he’s gone on holiday. But if he is out of the country I can’t see what we can do.” I interrupted, “No Theo, he means that there are satanic problems in his Bishopric.” “Has he considered a Special Clinic, they’re the experts when you got trouble with your prick.” The Bishop interjected, “Come Houndsleuth stop toying with me. My colleague the Bishop of Stortford has told me about your wicked sense of humour. There has been for several years a plague of homicides in Midsomer, but recently this has reached epidemic proportions. Though all the cases are ultimately solved, Midsomer is being depopulated. People are flooding out into Farwinter and the property market has collapsed.” “In the last month the following has occurred. In Midsomer Madrigal, at a Church Tower Fund raising fete, the chairman of the Parish Council was blown up when he lifted a booby-trapped guess the weight cake. In Midsomer Middling , the Village Beauty queen, whilst she stood sportingly in the stocks, was struck by a sponge containing a deadly instantaneous poison and died on the spot. Her reign lasted less than 10 minutes. God rest her soul. At Midsomer Inbred, where the Pagans were holding a Festivity, the Straw Man onto which balloons were stuck and into which punters were invited to throw javelins, spurted blood, the moment the 1st Javelin struck it. As part of the Ecumenical movement we allow the Pagans to use the church and Graveyard for their ceremonies. The rent comes in handy. A fortnight ago, at the Midsomer Horticultural Societies annual Prize Competition, A “Mega Large Genetically Modified Hybrid Venus Fly Trap Plant”, whose tuber resembled a marrow, swallowed the judges of the Prize Novelty Marrow Award Last week during the Midsomer Cum Quickly Joint Choral Concert, one of the choirs spontaneously ignited. And finally, just yesterday at a Militaria Convention in Midsomer Farfetched, a resident of premises adjacent to the event was found to have apparently committed suicide using a Gatling gun. Theo pondered, and then replied, “So it’s business as usual then. I’ve seen them documentaries on the telly; surely Inspector Barnetboy gets to solve them in the end? So what’s the problem?" “Houndsleuth, our church owns a lot of slum property in Midsomer and it’s value has plummeted. Then there are all those Vicarages whose grounds cold hold 30-100 unit mini housing estates, if only people would live in them,were they to be built. There’s a Thousand pounds in cash, the pair of you are to come with me right away. You can stay at my Palace, at my expense. My Bentley awaits you outside." Theo called to Mrs. Bay-Company and she showed the Bishop out. “Well Theo, the big one, so let’s get packed and away ,as soon as we can." I went off to my room to pack. About an hour later, I came downstairs to see Theo in conference with Mrs. Bay-Company. They shut up the moment I got within earshot. I made my parting with my landlady and having given our luggage to the chauffeur, Theo and I got into the Bishop’s Bentley. The games afoot. (To be continued.)
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