As I moved once again, I started feeling a cold corner building up in my heart. There was a time when I used to cry myself to sleep when I separated from my parents. But it happened ever so often that I sort of ran out of tears. Every time they moved I was left with some relative or the other, because they didn’t want my education to get disrupted. It was times like these when even a stern look or a word from anyone made my eyes moist. I was so vulnerable and emotionally bruised then. But now, I feel nothing.

What’s happened to me? Don’t I love my parents anymore? If I do, then why am I unable to express my love for them when they come over? If I don’t, then am I to be blamed? Is it their fault or mine that I am the way that I am? Or is it no one’s fault, but the situation was such that no one could do anything. Was he a bad son or are they bad parents? Has living away from them for so many years made me less attached to them?

These were just some of the questions that Raj asked himself day in and day out. But he couldn’t find answers to any of these questions. It started eating him from within, but he was helpless. He never wanted to be this cold. Where did all the compassion, the love, the affection go? Did he just wake up one day and found his heart empty or was it slow death? When did he become so bitter? It was too much for him to bear. Will he ever love his parents again like the way he used to?

He had this recurring nightmare, where he saw himself in a house.

“One day he hears his doorbell ring and goes to open his door. He sees an aging couple standing out and calling him their son for no reason. They are pleading him to recognize them, but he has no clue what they are talking about. In fact he hasn’t even seen them before in his life. He tells them to go away. The old man breaks down and his wife calms him and asks him if they can leave. They still bless him and depart. As they left he could see the sadness in their eyes. Suddenly the cold corner starts melting and he feels something warm in his heart. He realizes that they are his parents. He calls out after them, but strangely he is unable to speak. Though his lips move, but no words come out. He is screaming on top of his voice, but he feels as if someone had muted him. He feels helpless and weak. He runs after them, but they disappear”. 

And then he woke up. Strangely his eyes were always moist and he realized that he had been crying in his dream.

He didn’t know what to do, whom to talk to? He didn’t know who could help him get this thing sorted out?

His parents always tried to reach out to him, but he just couldn’t reach back to them. He kept shutting them out, even though he wanted them so bad. Then Raj moved to US for his further studies and during those two years hardly spoke to his parents. Then one day he got a phone call that changed his life forever. His mom had called up to tell him that his father had had a heart attack and was going to need surgery. He was taken aback by the calmness with which his mom delivered that news. He felt as if she was holding back as if she knew how cold he was and she didn’t want to use this as an excuse to bring him home. It pierced him. He felt a pain that he had never felt before. He just wanted to cry like a mad person and not give a damn about what others would think.

He caught the next flight to India. He was trying hard to shun the bad thoughts that were clouding his mind. What would happen if the operation didn’t go well? What would happen to his mom, to his brother? How would they take it? How would he take it?

From the airport he went straight to the hospital. He wanted to hug his mother, but couldn’t. He just exchanged pleasantries with her as if she were a stranger. He saw his dad lying on the bed. He went over to him and gave him a slight hug. He felt awkward. His dad was about to be wheeled into the operation theatre. The ward boys come to take him to the room. Just before he was about to enter the operation theatre he could see the fear, the vulnerability on his face. He had never seen his dad so mentally weak before. He called Raj over to him. His dad then said something that just broke the ice bridge that had formed in his heart. Raj wailed, and wailed like a child. He felt as if he had no control over himself anymore.

“If anything happens to me today I just want you to know that I love you more than anyone else in this world. You are so dear to me that I have secretly cried for everyday you have been away from us. Son, I am so sorry for keeping you away from us for so long. It was only for the sake for your education and nothing else, it’s not because we don’t love you. Please take care of your mother. Please don’t hate your little brother because he got to live more with us than you, because you two are like our eyes, and we couldn’t have been able manage with none. I hope you understand my son. I love you”. 

Raj couldn’t say anything. He just hugged his dad and for the first time in years felt that connection he had been longing for. He went back to where his mom was sitting. Since the time he had arrived he hadn’t seen his mom shed a single tear. He felt guilty, as if he was the one who was to be blamed for that. He went over and sat next to her. He took his mom’s hands in his and kissed it. He didn’t say a word, but his mom nodded, as if she just knew what he was trying to say. Raj was overwhelmed. He couldn’t believe that his mom understood him so well. After waiting for almost 4 hours, the operation finally got over and his dad got shifted to the ICU. The operation was successful.

Today Raj is a changed man. He is so much more loving and caring, not only with his parents, but in all his relationships. Sometimes he feels that the person who helped him reconnect with his family was none other than God and it needed something so grave to melt that ice.