Quicklinks:
Short S. | Poetry | Not News | Scripts | Comedy | Non-Fiction | SF | Crime | For Kids | Extended | Village
Great Writing - Home > Short S. > The Rocking Chair of Death
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1472 guests online and 7 members online
Shorts
print friendly version     
The Rocking Chair of Death
By Bottleblondesurfer
21 July 2006
A little bit of black humour for you. No offence intended.


Mavis Beecham arrived out of breath at the door. She had walked only 3 yards from the ambulance, but she was panting. It required a lot of effort to pant like that and not miss a drag on her cigarette. She refused the help of the ambulance man and rushed to the entrance along with the other old timers who attended the day centre. The ambulance man may not have noticed any great difference in their pace but they felt they were rushing, especially Mavis. Today she was a woman with a mission; a 20 stone woman with a mission, a terrifying spectacle but the other old timers were used to terrifying spectacles and were not impressed, indeed some qualified as such in their own right

All these old women were after the same thing today. Mavis scowled at them, as they waited by the doors, and they scowled back. They psyched each other out like Sumo wrestlers before a fight. Mavis had decided it would be her chair. For 3 years it had been Mrs Campion’s until she died last week. She had actually died in the chair but none of the staff had noticed. She was not a great one for moving, once seated. Rigor Mortis had set in before anyone had realised. It took an ambulance man with a tyre lever to get her out. Mavis has always wanted that rocking chair and now she could claim it. All she had to do was get to it first and sit in it and by common consent it would be hers.

The nurse unlocked the door and jumped back with a scream as both doors were flung open and sixteen elbows hardened by years of practise at bring and buy sales went into action. The young girl with the tea trolley braced herself as they rushed towards her, instinctively grabbing a kit Kat to fend them off. But they rushed past her towards the chair in the far corner of the hall. Mavis knew her weight was against her so she would have to use tactics. She deftly hand-bagged old Ma Copthorne. Then, a feint to the right and with one swing of her mighty hips she de-railed Mrs Simkins off her Zimmer.

Despite this she was still too far back so as she passed one of the residents, old man Cleghorn, she punctured his colostomy bag with a knitting needle. The man, convinced he was haemorrhaging, started screaming and hyperventilating. The nurse hurried to him but slipped on the widening pool of warm urine and crashed into a stack of chairs, cracking her head and knocking herself out. Miss Prior, for whom tea and central heating were only secondary attractions, let out a howl of anguish. The object of her desire lay shouting and splashing around in his own urine.  She ran over to him and tripped over the unconscious nurse. In the confusion Mavis made up ground.
Mavis was just catching up on the last three when she heard an awful creaking sound, turned and saw one of the chair stacks sway and crash to the floor. The flimsy chairs bounced about. The tea girl took fright and grabbing the trolley used it to bludgeon her was across the hall. She cannoned into the two leading ladies. The trolley upended leaving the three of them flapping around in a pool of tepid tea and covered in Rich-Tea biscuits.

Mavis was oblivious to the Mayhem and assorted screams and hurried on, conscious only of the beating of her overworked heart. One of the chairs hit the woman just in front of her and she was put off her stride long enough for Mavis to waddle past her. The chair was feet away now. Biscuits crunched under-foot and small milk cartons exploded as she trod on them. The pace was getting to her now. Her sides ached and her heart was fluttering like hyperactive moth. She reached it gasping, letting the fag drop from her mouth. She turned and triumphantly sat down. The sight that met her eyes was a like a scene from Dante’s Inferno or a geriatric war zone. It might have been the shock of seeing it or the physical strain but she suddenly cried out and grasped her heart

The chair still rests in the corner though no-one,now,will sit in it but there it stays. The fateful day has passed into folklore. The tea girl, after a short course of counselling and in-service training now has a job testing council machinery. By the time the emergency services had got to Mavis rigour mortis had set in and the ambulance man was once again sent to get the tyre lever. The only evidence of the madcap chaos of that day is the gouge marks on the chair and the tea trolley pulls violently to the left. And to the other elderly residents the figure of the grim reaper with his scythe is not feared half so much as the figure of an ambulance man with a tyre lever.
 

Reviews
Hi BBS
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 21st July 2006
What a fascinating read. 
 
"And to the other elderly residents the figure of the grim reaper with his scythe is not feared half so much as the figure of an ambulance man with a tyre lever. " 
 
Was this the acorn from which the oak tree grew? 
 
Brian 
 
 
Hi BBS
Written by cynicsid (177 comments posted) 21st July 2006
"Was this the acorn from which the oak tree grew? " 'ark' at 'im. 
 
I see you're keeping away from the comedy forum, a good move. 
 
A novel cruel but accurate and humorous tale. 
 
 
too true
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3558 comments posted) 21st July 2006
How very sharp of you to pick up on that Brian, I have a friend who works with the elderly and she passed on the story of how it happened. They had to lever the old girls hands off the chair I added the tyre lever though 
cheers 
Darkly Delightful
Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 22nd July 2006
I really enjoyed this story, and totally see how it was forged from 'real' escapades.  
 
There are some brilliant one liners here, and the continuous flow of activity and the naked lust of the geriatrics trying to get to the rocking chair is just terrific. I could see the spectacle taking place in front of me, so vivid was your writing! 
 
Really well done...more of this please! 
 
With best wishes 
 
mishmish x
Rocking it was!
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 22nd July 2006
Ha, ha, great job. I swear i did not budge while i was giving it a read. I could almost see the ghastly sight of the man splashing aorund in his own urine...that's the power of words and you captured it just right.
Hi BBS
Written by jean.day (2361 comments posted) 24th July 2006
Another good story. What fun, and to think it was based on a real happening. However, I feel you should know that if a colostomy bag was pierced, it wouldn't be urine that came out.  
 
Thanks for your kind words in the review of my book.
Sorry Jean
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3558 comments posted) 24th July 2006
O.K you caught me out there but they say "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story" and as 99.9% of it is made up anyway I thougth it would be funnier than the real thing.Thanks for your review. 
Ta 
BBS

Written by 1leggedswan (9 comments posted) 28th July 2006
I have a grin on my face. It started with the title and didn't leave. short, sharp and nasty. What's not to like?
Kindred spirits
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3558 comments posted) 28th July 2006
Hi there leggedswan, and welcome to the site. 
Glad you took to it. We obviously share a similar sort of humour. Will look out for your work 
cheers

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 30th July 2006
hahahahahahahaha. Very funny, my fav bit being about the kit kat being brandished hehe. Loved it. Laugh out loud funny. 
 
Gill
ha ha ha
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 31st July 2006
superb! everything you need to make me smile; death, copious amounts of geriatric urine and a leaking colostomy bag... it feels like i'm home 
 
cheers for a seriously good chuckle 
 
leo
Make way for Mrs Overall...
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 2nd August 2006
Sorry bur only just caught up with this piece. One of the best bits of `black` humour I`ve read in a long time Mrs B. I can see Julie Walters and Victoria Woods making a real meal of this one. Hilarious!

Written by ellipinnock (1784 comments posted) 19th November 2006
Just uncovered this gem through the magic blue box-thought it was flippin' fantastic! Like Brian, the last sentence caught my fancy :) Bonza 
 
Elli

Written by Fledermaus (3480 comments posted) 14th December 2007
Somehow when I saw the title I imagined the grim reaper sitting in a rocking chair. In a way it seems he does.  
Typically absurd and slightly cruel humor from your side of the North Sea. British are good at going to the edge (or just over it). 
Good piece.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!
 Previous item   Next item
This site is copyright 2005 - 2007 Great Writing. Work submitted by members remains the copyright of the respective authors.
See our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.