I wrote this in class when I was about twelve. An OHP with the silhouette of a small, pixie-like child was presented to us and we were instructed to write a story according to the picture. This is what I came up with. It's always kind of been a favourite of mine. I have polished the writing but the story is exactly the same. Please excuse the overly sentimental writing- I was twelve at the time! “They won’t even know when I die,” whispered Felix softly to herself. She gently touched a finger to the lake’s surface, creating a ring in the water which spread swiftly to the bank. She gazed to the centre of the ripples, child's eyes fascinated by how her thin finger could make such a disturbance so easily. Stretching out her arm and plunging a dirty wrist into the water’s depths, she playfully attempted to grip one of the shimmering rings. Shuddering from the icy sensation, she withdrew her hand, droplets falling from it to the soil.
A crow gave a last caw as dusk began to fall, and Felix laughed in delight at the sound, rising to her feet and imitating the bird’s call, flapping her arms and squawking. She was free, free! And she began to dance, a wild dance of delight and freedom. The stars smiled and played their music for her, and the child danced to their music, round and the old willow tree, bare feet leaving patterns in the dust.
“Free!” she cried, scattering flocks of birds into the gradually darkening sky. She ran to the water’s edge, kicking pebbles excitedly. The ripples from the pebbles swelled, and Felix was all of a sudden silent. She gingerly shuffled to her stomach, wincing slightly, and lay on the lake’s bank, her eyes reflecting into the water and staring back. She waved, and the girl in the water waved back.
“I will save you!” Felix yelled. “I have my deadly sword,” she said, taking a length of wood from the dirt and rising to her feet once more. “And my trusty shield!” Felix squatted at the edge of the water and poked her finger in, waiting until the rings grew large before reaching her arm forward. She closed a forefinger and thumb on one of the ripples, and calmly lifted the shimmering hoop out of the water. It was lighter than air and took no strength to lift. The cool touch of it left a numbing sensation in her finger which spread throughout her body, but she was too happy to notice. Soon, it was gone.
The girl trapped beneath the water forgotten, Felix felt light and easy, and resumed her dance, bones jutting from white limbs as she moved. Twirling and bowing, twisting and spinning, shining like a lost jewel in the air, she forgot the bruises on her face and arms. The silver ring joined her dance, tossed from arm to arm, dancing with her.
The sky slowly turned to black and shadows fell on Felix’s form. On she danced, through time and space, over the lake to the forest, feeling the leaves from the treetops tickle her feet and the touch of music on her ears. Past the stars and onwards, disappearing into the dark, she smiled, closed her eyes, and knowing it was over, let go.
Down by the lake, a thin girl’s lifeless body lay in the dust and dirt, ugly bruises tingeing her pale skin, clutching a bicycle wheel tightly to herself.
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Hi GK Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 21st July 2006 | Try posting this in addition on the fantasy forum. "clutching a bicycle wheel tightly to herself." The jump between the penultimate and last paras is one from the imaginery to the literal. So the quoted words jar, either cut them and give no indication of the cause of her death: or replace them with something more literal. Why should she be clutching just a Bicycle WheeL? Final Nitpick, Felix is a boy's name, you should rename her Felicity which is the femal version. Both mean truthfull. Overall an engaging tale, Brian.
| good mix Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3172 comments posted) 21st July 2006 | So you really wrote this at 12? I think I was writing stories about handsome princes then so I'm impressed. Can't help wondering how much of a polish it had. I enjoyed the mix of literal and fantasy I liked he way it makes the reader work and pulls them into the story.The mind is a powerful thing and who knows what it is capable of expressing just before death. A very sophisticated concept in one so young (then) Why not give us some adult writing now (that's adult as in grown up not X rated) cheers BBS | Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 26th July 2006 | thank you Brian and BBS for your comments much appreciated. Brian- I don't quite understand what you mean about the last line. Do you find the sentence to be too long? The bicycle wheel has nothing to do with how she died- she died of cold and illness and didn't realise. This is why everything suddenly becomes very surreal- her imagination and her death combine to turn the old bicycle wheel (which was lying in the water) into a ring of water. I'm sorry if this was not clear! I realise that Felix is not a girl's name. I'm not sure why I chose to call her that, but I don't want to change the story from how it was originally so I think I'll leave it the way it is. I didn't know that Felix meant truthful- thank you for telling me, it's very interesting. BBS- I was twelve when I wrote this. I'm not sure exactly how much of a polish the writing has had- more in some places than others- but other than the wording the story is the same. Your comment about the power of the mind is very interesting. Thanks for that  | Pardon..? Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th July 2006 | Before you go making unecessary changes, quality of story aside, while I am sure you can rely on Brian's advice, I am as surprised as you to hear Felix/ Felicity means truthfull [ Happy/Hapiness ,as I always understood it; which might fit with your tale; especially as it seems a cat's tale; or suitably androgynous ] I had always assumed truthfulness to be Verity. My advice is to check this. Slan! | GC is partly right Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th July 2006 | Felix means faithful to the truth. Still it's nice to know that his eminence grise is still active. If pressed I'd restrict it to Faithfull. It might be different in Gaellic. Brian | Oh dear Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 26th July 2006 | Game set and match to GC. Sack cloth and ashes for me. I have to now confess That Felicity is happiness. Shame faced BRN | Gulp. Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 26th July 2006 | I shouldn't disparage yourself over so small a point, Brain As far as I can tell your advice above is otherwise as always, unerringly sound. Take comfort as I so often do from the badinage of Mark Twain : ' Everybody makes mistakes. Would you believe I almost did it myself... once. ' Slan! | Mesmerising Written by mishmish (389 comments posted) 28th July 2006 | I enjoyed this very much...Only until the end do you know the little girl is dead and it is her spirit that is dancing. A beautiful concept that weaves the childlike and the complex together as one. Wonderful writing... best wishes mishmish | thank you Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 29th July 2006 | Thank you very much mishmish I'm glad you understood the piece. I think I'll stay out of the name debate as it's certainly not my area of expertise...Though I must say, if Felix/Felicity means happiness, it's a very fitting name for my character. Not to glorify death in any way! |
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