Sarah sat at the table after lunch and sulked "I don't want yoghurt!" she spat "I want Ice-cream!" she scowled at her mother across the table, the empty plate covered in barely eaten greens and half eaten sausages had been removed and replaced by a bowl and a container. Her mother was taking the sugar from the cupboard; anything to make Sarah eat yoghurt was welcome...sugar was the best, little girls were
supposed to be made of it. "How much sugar would you like Sarah?" she asked nicely, ignoring the little girls nasty little grumbling. "You always make me eat yogurt! Why can't I have Ice-cream!?" Sarah whined, Now scowling at the container on the table as if she could scare it away. The kitchen was small, its walls were green and the kitchen table and overhead cupboards were wooden, the only thing white was the fridge, the cooker and the carton on the table which was the yoghurt Sarah hated more then little boys and vegetables. "There isn't any ice-cream left Sarah and the yoghurts good for you" her mother lied, there was ice cream in the freezer box in the fridge, Sarah knew there was ice-cream but she didn't know where. The little girl watched her mother search for a spoon in the drawer, she bit her bottom lip a little and sat quietly wondering where the ice-cream had gone.
Of course Mummy could have eaten it all, She watched her mother close the drawer again and go to the cutlery by the sink.
The thought was terrifying...she hadn't had she? No, of course not! Mummy was too nice to do that! Mummy did Sarah's pigtails in the morning and helped her with her spelling homework...and gave her Ice-cream..sometimes...but Ice-cream was nice wasn't it? "Sarah?" her mother smiled down at her "what did I tell you before about yoghurt?" Sarah frowned a little, it was a hard question, yoghurt was horrible...it tasted funny, looked boring and could never be as nice as Ice-cream...not even Ice-cream and jelly!! She thought hard, staring at the container, accusing it of so many nasty things-like being responsible for the Ice-cream being gone. "You said...you said...there was good stuff in it.." she tried her best, maybe she'd be given Ice-cream if she got it right, she deserved Ice-cream, she wanted Ice-cream and would get it somehow without having to eat
ANY yoghurt. "Very good" her mother crooned, the ice-cream never appeared but her mother picked up the container off the table and placed the spoon by Sarah's bowl so she could open it. "Yoghurt is yuck!" Sarah snarled, the yoghurt might hear her and refuse to open-she hoped, she scowled at her empty bowl. "Now now Sarah! Be good...the yoghurt will stop you having an upset tummy" Sarah went quiet again, she'd have to eat twice as much yoghurt if she got that...she remembered
that.
Sarah's mother placed the lid on the table and took up the spoon.Sarah watched her mother calmly scoop the little people out of the container and place them in her bowl, the little white people gazed up at the little girl, Sarah scowled down,
Stuck her tongue out and grumbled "I hate you".
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Are you racist? Written by DustinBowcott (66 comments posted) 2nd May 2005 |
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No matter. Written by DustinBowcott (66 comments posted) 2nd May 2005 |
| The story's shit. |
Little Girls and little boys Written by Ostara (61 comments posted) 2nd May 2005 |
What kind of a review was that? How rude! Beeman I enjoyed reading this story. It is maybe a bit too childish in tone (obviously being from a child's perspective you would expect this a little) and it feels incomplete, but it is certainly not what our charming DustinBowcott refers to. Perhaps you could expand on the relationship between mother and daughter a little - you swap easily between the mother's frustrations and those of the daughter, so why not take their thoughts a little further? This sounds like a daily battle, but it's not really about yoghurt and ice cream - it is about a power struggle. Many parents give in just for an easy life but this mum doesn't. It would be good to know if it pays off in the end. Keep going and see where they take you  |
i thought it was worthwhile Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 3rd May 2005 |
it's a nice piece and does a job i feel another couple of days of the same with a bit of variety could make it come alive don't be put off by destructive criticism |
Written by niki (6 comments posted) 6th October 2006 |
OK, it's not shit (as previously constructively criticised!) but to be honest, I have to say it doesn't make its point all that effectively. I get it, but by the time I do, I kind of don't care enough. Sorry if that's harsh. I think Ostara is spot on by suggesting you expand the mother/daughter relationship. Make us care more about them. feel their struggle. i liked that you began painting a picture of the kitchen a bit, maybe that could also be expanded, get a bit more tension happening. Say 'mahogany' instead of wood maybe? Or 'teal' instead of green, etc, just to add to the description and be bit more specific. I think a good deal could get trimmed out of the story, slim it down to the pure essentials. If I take your intro para as an example: "Sarah sat at the table after lunch and sulked "I don't want yoghurt!" she spat "I want Ice-cream!" she scowled at her mother across the table, the empty plate covered in barely eaten greens and half eaten sausages had been removed and replaced by a bowl and a container." Just deleting the odd superfluous word, or where you're kind of repeating yourself (saying 'sulked' 'scowled' 'spat' kind of triplicates what kind of mood you're trying to set, maybe just use one) would help de-clutter it. Also the plate is "empty" then it's "covered", contains "barely eaten" and "half eaten" things. A bit garbled. I think you could get rid of that first few words altogether, so you start with the dialogue which is punchier and hooks you in more than the description of where the girl is sitting. Here's a suggestion of how it could go: "I don't want yoghurt, I want ice-cream!" Sarah scowled at her mother across the table.Her plate of barely eaten greens and sausages had been removed and replaced by a bowl and a container." I do think there's a really good piece here, that's just a bit buried at the moment. I reckon you could halve the wordcount, keep all the good stuff, and it'd be a great, zippy little story. |
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