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Poetry


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Still Waters

By Gill21

25 July 2006

A complete novice to poetry, this was developed from a children's story i have read. I wanted to give it a bash, although i'm sure it's quite rubbish and needs a lot of work. Let me know what you think!

I still wake up in the
dead of night. Sweat runs off me as if I’d just been drenched in
water. Reeds reach up to me from the black hole.
Shadows laughing at me, taunting me from their
icy depth. Knives pierce my lungs.
Even then that’s better than being awake.

My place of solitude.
Five minutes from the town but over the peak it might as
well be the edge of the horizon.
Just me, the calm of the hills, the bracken and the loch.
The setting sun’s rays, warming me from the inside out. Melting off the damp chill from winter’s frozen rain.

Spirits now linger like a thick smog of fog.
The is air fibrous, forcing me to stay away.
The bracken cackles callously
from a distance. Enticing me with my mind, playing me with my heart, I can no longer return.
Except in my dreams, where there’s no control.

I fall asleep and I’m on the moor.
Heading towards the valley, being sucked towards the pond.
Wind whipping away any sense of direction
yet I find a way to the bush.
His bag is there with the money sticking out.
Deja vu as he throws boulders at the ice.

The sign was up.
It was his own fault.
Peering between the glaciers I swear I saw his face.
A portrait of fear,
and calm at the same time.
He is wearing a maroon blazer.

He doesn’t blame me.
He doesn’t know I wasn’t going to help.

He doesn’t know I was about to nick a
tenner from his bag when it happened.

Nobody knows I was there a month ago.
February,
the month when Dominic died.
Nobody knows I wish he hadn’t, I wish I’d helped
My brother would probably kill me too
if he knew I cried.

Reviews

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 26th July 2006

Very interesting, you have a talent for descriptive writing. I like the way that the reader at first knows very little, and then discovers more as the piece goes on. A few lines I find a bit obscure, such as "Deja vu as he throws boulders at the ice" but the writing creates a very haunting atmosphere.
The writing style seems to change halfway through (from "The sign was up", the lines are much briefer and less descriptive) - was this intended?
Good writing but I feel this would work better as a short story- you could develop the idea much further. Well done

Written by 1leggedswan (9 comments posted) 27th July 2006

I like this, but I like the second half a lot more then the first. It feels a little as though you're feeling your way into the piece for the first lines, they don't feel to me as though they flow particularly well, but the last verses are chilling, and the way you give no clear explanation of what happened is very effective. For this reason, I think I almost prefer this as poetry then as something lengthier; I think the dark unexplained hints are quite unnerving.

Written by anna_svit-kona (42 comments posted) 2nd August 2006

I agree with Swan. The second part was a bit better I think for a poem. Then again I think the first part fits short story better.
I seem to enjoy your work Gill.

Keep it up!~
Anna

Written by brook_rivers (486 comments posted) 26th August 2006

I love using enjambment in poetry myself and you used it brilliantly in the first few sentences. A fairly complex poem with different layers of meaning each time you read - just how i like it!

Well done and thank you for the reviews and comments you have given to my work.

Best wishes

brook

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