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Poetry


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Cocoon

By Gill21

27 July 2006

Hi everyone. This is a revision of what i wrote before. I think i have improved the first two stanzas however i'm not sure about the last.

I lie limp in this semi-human state,
and feel a life pass me by.

I lie barely conscious,

hypnotized by the pattern of passing clouds,

which carry with them my hopes

and my dreams;
the core of my being.

So far away now i can hardly see.

So much pain, how can i stand it.

Suddenly those yester years don't seem so bad.

I sway back and forth,
in this cocoon of debilitation,

craving passion and adventure.
Craving what lies in my heart.

I patiently wait.

I squeeze my eyes tight willing tears not to fall.
And i remind myself not to be scared,
for i know,
one day i'll emerge,
one day i'll be back,
as a strong and beautiful butterfly.

Reviews

Hi G21
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 30th July 2006

I'm not at heart a poet. So I can't tell the difference between some free form blank verse and ragged poetic prose.

I wanted to re-write it and that always upsets people. So forgive me.

Perched in this semi-human state,
I feel a life pass me by.
Hypnotised by patterns of passing clouds,
That carry my hopes and dreams:
(Which are the core of my being.)
Too far away for me to clearly see.

This no better than yours but I feel thoughts should be kept together. So there are six lines each carrying a thought.

Rhyme is a problem in the last verse, blank verse should avoid it at all costs.

I meant well, I'll get me coat,

Brian

Hardly a poet either, but enjoy giving i
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 30th July 2006

Yes, do so, you have highly insulted me.
p.s- i actually do think yours is better. Dam you! Will revise.

Hi G21
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 30th July 2006

The poem hooked me, it's all there begging to come out, so I'm glad that my comments were taken in the way that they were intended to be.

All the ideas are yours, I just did an edit,

Brian.

i liked this piece
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 10th August 2006

i struggle with some poetry, its too long or too complex, but this was spot on.

easy to digest and reflect upon, and a neat subject matter.

look forward to more soon

Beautiful
Written by Talisker (1336 comments posted) 24th August 2006

Caterpillars are beautiful too in their own way. I wouldn't change it at all - its a record of your thoughts at the time you penned it - I think revising and refining loses the spontaneity of the piece. Move on to another - for me creative writing is like gold panning - we need to have the silt to get to the shining nuggets. Talent and intelligence shines through your work...I look forward to reading more.

Oli the Moth

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