Don't know what to say about this story. I guess you should just read it and see what you feel about it. Your precious comments and suggestions are more than welcome.
He is going. Going. Going. Dodging everyone on the road. He doesn’t care for the rain that is stinging his face like little devilish ants. It is relentless, yet he doesn’t care.
He breaks one signal after the other. He doesn’t care for the whistling policeman. He keeps going, as if being possessed by some evil spirit. He let’s his mind wander for a while. He thinks about what he will do once he reaches there. Suddenly, he hears an elephant, oh no wait, it was a truck honking from the opposite direction.
Immediately he realizes that he is on the wrong side of the road. What to do? What to do? There is nothing much he can do now. The truck driver is honking madly and shouting profanities at him. He tells him to stop but he can’t. He was too close. He BREAKS. And tries to dodge. His bike skids. He falls on the road and his body slides like a person skating on ice. Only painful. His clothing comes off his body one by one. It was as if he was stuck in a churning machine or something. Finally he hits a pole and stops. He felt a high, as if he just had booze. The white bare flesh started turning red, like the sky in twilight. He sees people surround him. The fact that they weren’t doing anything, but watching him go away was giving him pleasure.
He slowly started moving. He was going where he wanted to. He thought of what he was going to say when he reached there. Finally reaching there, he said to God, ‘I want to sleep in my mother’s lap again. I want her to tell me that I am the nicest boy in the whole wide world again. I want her to put me to sleep again. I want to see her again’.
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Great! Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 1st August 2006 |
Great peice of descriptive writing, you painted a very vivid scene. I was torn between the character being numb and unaware of what was going on (ie. in a mentally altered state, which i'm leaning towards with the references to evil and the elephant) or being accutley aware with a purpose. But i suppose that's the fun of this tale? I would like to know why he so desperately wanted to see his mother again. Was it becasue he was so alone without her? Did he have something he wanted to apologise for? Also was the use of 'something' intended in the sentence 'It was as if he was stuck in a churning machine or something.' ? It didn't quite seem to fit in with the tone of the story? Otherwise i was gripped from the get go! Well done. |
intense Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 1st August 2006 |
lots of urgency conveyed in this piece. i think you could easily flesh this out some more and still have a great piece of writing. keep up the good work! |
nice work it took me a while to work it Written by writerpoet (7 comments posted) 1st August 2006 |
| very gripping perhaps another ending.maybe a gruesome one. |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 2nd August 2006 |
I enjoyed this, but like Gill wondered about the ending.We had nothing in the story that gave us an inkling as to why he wanted so desperately to see his mother again, which rather left the ending somewhat flat. This apart I liked your style and the story flowed quite nicely. happy writing woody |
agreed Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 14th August 2006 |
I'd go along with Woody's comments in full. Well done. However, there is some strange formatting that seems to come up on most of your pieces. Don't know if it's just my PC settings or not? Cheers TT Givitsum |
Nice Written by kevg (45 comments posted) 26th August 2006 |
Good piece. The frantic pace of the text gives a good sensation of the high speed at which the narrator is travelling (both physically and in a metaphorical sense). I liked the image of the rain stiniging his face like ants, good job. Like a couple of the others have said, perhaps you could build on the piece a little more. At the end it seems that there is some sort of resolution, but I couldn't quite pick up the conflict. Further development of this might give the tale a better all round sense of completion. Thanks for the read. KevG
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Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 5th January 2008 |
Loved it. The description was excellent. I enjoyed the "whistling policeman" - I assumed it was police sirens, maybe I'm wrong. Good work. |
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