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Poetry


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What Makes us Strong?

By mishmish

02 August 2006

This is a poem I've written on the little things in a relationship that make the big things happen...

Comments always welcome...

Gentle lips kissing my cheek
When I feel tired and weak
Acting silly, wanting to play
When I’ve had a bad day
Soft fingers, holding tight, clasping mine
When troubles hit at the wrong time
Reassuring voice telling me ‘everything’s alright’
When I’ve lost the will to fight
Strong arms around me, fold
When I’m touched by life’s cold
Encouraging words press me on
When my confidence has albeit gone
Love, this eternal song...
Is what makes me live
And what makes me strong.

Reviews

Hi MM
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 2nd August 2006

From the heart from where the best stuff comes.

I Was thrown by the mine/time rhyme.

How's about

Soft fingers, holding tight, with touch sublime
When troubles hit at the wrong time?

Love, this eternal song...
Is what makes me live
And what makes me strong

You've gone for rhyming couplets then abandon them.

Song is rather like gone however how's about

Love, the eternal song,
It's what makes me strong.
It's what makes me live,
It's why I've so much to give.

Brian

What makes us strong?
Written by Josie (2849 comments posted) 3rd August 2006

You've captured exactly the things that make us "strong." It is the feeling that we are still worth something to people in this world - and we should remember that what makes us strong, also makes others feel strong - so give all the things that you receive to others, young and old alike (but especially for older people who often feel that no-one values them any more).

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 3rd August 2006

Very sweet and heartfelt. It read beautifully. A poem i can very much relate to (as i'm sure can many others).

Tender
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 4th August 2006

I don't know the rules that govern poetry, but i liked it and it made me think about my other half.

Written by jsyingling (31 comments posted) 15th August 2006

Definitely a great starting place. I love the concept... attempting to define those things in our lovers that makes us strong and confident.

That being said, although for the most part it flows, I'd recommend tweaking some lines. Good suggestions have already been made, but I feel like you can find them on your own too. The line that I stumbled through is "life's cold". I appreciate the imagery/metaphor, but it 'froze' me up a bit too much (heh heh).

With a little reworking this could be a strong little piece (heh heh).

Puns aside,

j.

Written by brook_rivers (486 comments posted) 29th August 2006

Hey mishmash,
the rhyme scheme could be tinkered with but essentially as BRN said it is a poem from the heart and this comes across well.
I enjoyed reading it and it has a certain 'sparkle' to it and will ring true for many readers.
thanks for sharing

best wishes
brook

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