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Science Fiction and Fantasy
Swat
By Beeman
30 April 2005

                                        Swat

 
 
It had been an ordinary day for Liam, busy as usual. He'd just put down the phone after talking to his wife. He had told her "sorry honey but I have a lot of papers to get through...I think I'll be late". Not exactly but something like it.
He was a very busy lawyer- Liam Edwards, big lawyer, dealt with anyone you could think of and this time he was defending the worst kid ever - Roger Killins...'Rager Killings'. He was only 15 and he had already stolen from a lot of music stores, smashed some church windows and now some woman was convinced she'd seen him outside her house dancing and yelling about the devil...without anything on.
Roger had sat as cool as cucumber in front of Liam while he tried to explain to the kid what was going on, looking completely innocent and bored of everything he said.
At the end of it all Roger had gone to see the latest film with his mates and he'd left without anything stolen from the place. It was getting hot now in his office but he had to go through this stuff anyway. ‘******* stupid kid' were his real thoughts towards Roger. The window wasn't open but Liam could hear the buzzing of a fly.
Anyway, it was alright for now but if he was going to stay here any longer he would have to put it out...he wondered how it got in anyway.
 
 
Maybe an hour passed and he still had heaps to do, he reckoned that his dinner was probably cold or slightly warm by now and his wife had gone to bed.
The fly was still there, it came in and out of view-a thumb of black zooming around; it must have been a bluebottle from the noise it made...or a housefly.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz went the fly. His watch went tickticktick, he must have been the last one in the building but maybe the cleaners were elsewhere.

He hoped that was it otherwise he was locked in. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz z it sat on his page, not even looking at him. Its bum faced him

Heard a commotion outside, she opened the curtain, it was one in the morning__ he put a question mark beside that... What was she doing up at one in the morning? Zzz...

-Roger-was outside_(zzzzz..)_dancing like a demon..shouting_(zzzzzzz(swish!)) about ZZZwithout even a hat on. He aimed at the fly and missed again. A worse word flew from his mouth. Tick zzz tick zzz tick zzzzzzzzzz. He searched the desk for the bits of paper he was going to throw out. Aimed and missed - the fly disappearing in shadow in shadow, from sight and re-appearing over his desk. He tried harder to ignore it. It was probably nine o'clock by now. Zzzzzzz.
 
There was one more pile to go through and it was extremely late now...Roger-the offender-was at home asleep. Liam-the defender-was here, in his office, awake.
There was silence from the fly. It sat on the wall in front of him, in the corner.
Tickticktick two minutes to midnight. The fly gave a z but sat still.
All probably due to bunking off school for so long. -Roger-has not been in for the past month. Could you please ask him where he has been for a month in between leaving his home and coming back... ‘from school'.
Liam had never bunked school, he had studied hard and got a degree in law, his first case had been a dog walker who wouldn't pay the fine for letting the dog go to the toilet. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz his thoughts were interrupted.
This time it was still on the wall, still at the corner in front of him. He took up the papers. Zzz it went but didn't budge. He got up from his seat, his watch ticking on his wrist. He knew about the fly having compact eyes or something like that, he would be careful this time. -Roger- insists that he was not outside Mrs.X's house and does not even know the estate that it is in he moved slowly around the desk. It still didn't budge but zzz it went and wandered in a circle on the wall. He had it now! He was sure of that (zzz).
His watch ticked on his wrist that was joined to the hand that held the paper. He raised it. The fly turned away from him, tasted the wall and ignored him.
-Roger- has no visible mental problems and when in school is a hard worker and does not give trouble to anybody. Liam's final thought before he brought the paper down was how ‘Mrs.X' knew who Roger was if he had never been to her estate?
He brought the paper down...I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA! Thundered a voice from where he was standing.
Mr. Edwards leapt back gasping a string of obscenities as he went. His heart had missed a couple of beats and yet the fly hadn't budged. It tasted the wall.
Dancing like a demon..shouting about the devil_what do you think about hell?
There was silence in the room, not even the fly made a sound...or maybe it had, did it speak? No...that was absurd. He was tired, it was late. The fly was a fly, Roger was a boy.
‘Mrs.X' was mad...he wondered what she would say if he mentioned her real name in court. "Just one last thing left and I can go" he tells himself.
Liam Edwards..BIG lawyer..afraid of flies. Zzzzzzz it spoke and zzzzz was another thing it had to say. It got off the wall and flew in a pattern as if mocking him. He couldn't possibly tell what the pattern was. What's the first thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a window?.....its butt.
He went and sat down at the desk for another while.
 
 
That was it then he thought, the last thing done and he was ready to get home...strangely at one in the morning. Zzzzzzzzzzzz it danced a victory dance.
He was dancing around around around around. What a 15 year old had been doing outside an estate he didn't know...acting like a Satan worshipper? Liam shivered.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz..zz, it landed on Rogers file..directly on the ‘ins' part of Rogers second name...zzzz was its only remark.

Liam picked up his briefcase and went for the door. GOODNIGHT said the fly.

Reviews
engaging
Written by DustinBowcott (66 comments posted) 30th April 2005
A story best read at night. Pay more attention to grammer. :grin
correction
Written by DustinBowcott (66 comments posted) 4th May 2005
grammar. :sigh
The idea started in one piece...
Written by Nearlypastit (50 comments posted) 21st May 2005
Hello Beeman, 
 
I read this twice and came to a similar conclusion to the previous 2 crits. You have ambitiously taken on a work that is current on 3 levels of narration and subject matter. 
 
Add to that the general state of the character and you always run the risk of confusion. 
 
As a concept it works really well in the head, but is a buggar of a challenge committing it to paper. 
 
Really good idea, but separate the bits and then bring them together. 
 
So what happeed next? 
 
Gel required.
Written by steve666 (50 comments posted) 21st April 2006
The ideas are quite ok - the fly, his case, the lawyer, and the idea of the thread running through. But it does not gel together. I think if you are going to keep it short, you need absolute beginning / middle / end, all wrapped up in a neat parcel. 
You could link the fly cheesing him off to the perp. I think the fly should not survive - the end requires finality, if you are not going to leave a deep meaning. 
The title was cool - it was that which prompted me, so well done. 
(I have only written 1 piece myself, so all this is just humble opinion stuff, but i read bucketloads and know what moves me.) 
Grammer wise, there are a number of sites on the web which give clear and concise layouts for writing different kinds of stuff - its good practice and rewarding to have a wander through some of them. 
I thought the piece was written with confidence - you just have to do some tweaking and re-writes. Hope this has not come across too badly - i did not dislike it! :)

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