hope u like this i need to improve my writing so leave anything you think about this as a comment please
She could see the burning angry despair in his eyes even through the minimized view that the keyhole gave her. The sight before her was unbearable to watch, yet she couldn't take her eyes of her brother. His hands gripping the strangers throat. The victims face was contorted as he slowly lost all the oxygen in his lungs. He seemed to be trying to say something.
" Why are you doing this," he gasped for breath " Why?"
The girl at the door saw that there were tears streaming down her brothers cheeks. Now she heard her brother speak.
"Sorry...So sorry," she said it over and over
"Sorry"
He knelt down and loosened his grip on the mans neck. The two men - both in tears now - hugged eachother and there were murmered words. Suddenly a dagger flashed and there was a short struggle. And there he was dead on the floor.
* * *
She stood by his grave, he didn't know whether to be sad or not. Threre was going to be a police investigation. She hoped against hope he woiulnd go to prison.
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Review longer than post... again! Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 5th August 2006 |
Forgive my impudence. But I believe my advice would be to try writing a story. ie more than three paragraphs. My compliments to you. Slan! |
don't be afraid to write more Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 6th August 2006 |
the storyline you had was great. and you wrote well. look forward to your next post best of luck with your writing! |
Practise practise Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 6th August 2006 |
I thought the story line was great also. You had me hooked from the first line. You could definately draw this out into a longer story. Why didn't she know whether to be sad at her brothers death? What had caused this conflict between the two men? Also before you post make sure you proof read. "Sorry...So sorry," she said it over and over - i think you meant 'he said' here as it was supposed to be her brother speaking? If it was meant to be her this wasn't clear to me so check this over. Otherwise well done! Great concept. Keep on writing. |
need more Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3452 comments posted) 6th August 2006 |
It's OK as far as it went but it was more like an introduction to a story. We just get to know the characters and the defining moment which changes things and then it ends or rather is stops. There is a difference between ending and just stopping why not give us the whole story you got our interest cheers Mrs B |
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